-So I just finished the nightborn series and need to pick a new book/series from my TBR list to obsess over. Help me choose! The options are:
Priest by Sierra Simone
Hooked by Emily McIntyre
Guild by Raven Kennedy
From blood and ash by Jennifer Armentrout
Broken Bonds by J. Bree
-I wanted to start fourth wing series but it’s on back order on Amazon and sold out in book stores near me 😅

((I've been NC with Nmom for coming up on a year. I'm sharing this story because I've really benefited from reading stories I can relate to. I love this community and the support you guys offer each other. I hope I can help validate some of your experiences as well.))
I have narcolepsy. It's rarely found in multiple generations of the same family. I fall asleep in every single class I take and dream so vividly I forget where I am. I went undiagnosed for years, and my falling asleep in class caused nearly every professor I had to resent me. I worked extremely hard outside of the classroom to keep up and managed to be a very good student. I also was TERRIFIED of punishment, so my goody-goody behavior kept me from ever being disciplined for falling asleep in class.
I finally got diagnosed after my junior year of college after a professor decided, at the last minute, to fail me for class participation so I'd have to retake his course. He sarcastically told me to see a doctor, which was actually great advice, and I came back the next year with a prescription, accomodations, and a letter instructing him to change my grade back or be faced with discrimination charges (he was a huge dick about all of it, different story.)
Narcolepsy is a seemingly random condition. There's not a strong case for it being passed down, only in rare cases is it suspected. One of the things known to cause it is infections within the brain. And I had a super crazy intracranial infection when I was a kid. I don't know exactly when my narcoleptic symptoms started, but it would be shocking if it wasn't directly related to this.
Nobody else in my family has every struggled with staying awake in the classroom. BUT, because my mom falls asleep in front of the television late at night after a full day of work and a glass of wine, she decided that she's narcoleptic too. Whatever, I shrug it off. But she starts telling me that the medication I'm taking is a crutch. She sits in on one of my appointments to "help her understand what I'm dealing with" but actually spends it trying to convince the doctor that I got it from her and "my lifestyle" is why I experience daytime symptoms and she doesn't.
She interprets the doctor's refusal to entertain her ignorance as him admitting all of her suggestions are possible. I'm gatekeeping her, but she won't do a sleep study to get diagnosed. I'm exaggerating my condition for sympathy, and she knows this because she has the same condition.
Anyway, has anybody else dealt with this? Disability deniers, condition appropriators, or general gaslighting around health factors?

nowadays there are many gnats mosquitoes etc. Sometimes it happens to me that they go near a nostril of the nose. What I'm wondering is, can a midge get to the brain through the nose? this makes me a lot of anxiety. The internet doesn't give very clear answers

Intro and what I'm looking for

Idek where to start tbh. I wanna make a post that isn't too boring, long / short, or irritating to read as I have a habit of talking about my emotions + feelings and unnecessary venting about my life in several setences when it comes to this sort of thing, that's mostly what I talked about in my last post... I'm hoping I can get at least someone's attention by writing the right and necessary words on this subreddit... So, where to begin?
I guess I'll start with what I'm looking for in terms of dating. A fresh, warm, healthy and positive long-term relationship is what I've been craving for the last 4¼ years, not as in desperate or obsessed with it, more as in yearning for that right person to come along and bring sunshine to my life for the first time in a very long time. I'm sorry if that sounds a little cheesy but it's true. Someone who'll accept me for who I am and not care about what I have / don't have, someone who'll understand and accept my insecurities and flaws, not to mention me doing the same for her too. I wanna have that happy and bright future with that special someone, similar to all the couples I see on Instagram, laughing, joking, teasing each other, flirting, doing fun activities together both indoors and outdoors, purchasing matching items for them to wear and hold dear, holding hands... the list goes on.
Come and stop by so we can get to know each other first and see what happens if you're fascinated in this post enough, and if you think I'll be that sort of person you want in your life.

Personality (100% the truth)

As you might have guessed, I am a hard core introvert. Although I get along well with people irl; I briefly chat to them by saying the usual "hello" or "alright?", I then usually keep to myself from them most times to avoid feeling ignored / unimportant / irrelevant in their eyes. This is because I'm not that great at socialising in public places like the club or in the street, and also due to the fact that I feel extremely shy whilst meeting new people. All I feel, every single day, is irrelevant to everybody I come across on a day to day basis and tbh, I've gotten used to it over the years. However, if others ARE willing to get to know me and want me in their presence, I will perk up and be quite the confident individual once enough time passes :)
Other things you should know about me is that I'm extremely loyal and will never hurt the people I love and hold dear, no matter what. I care too much about the people in my life, including family, and I also will never let them down or disappoint them in any way.
Just a little fun fact about me, my zodiac sign is Cancer ♋️🦀 for those of you who are interested and if that matters to you at all. This is related to what I've just written above in the second paragraph.
[This is me pretty much nearing the end of this seemingly never ending post now]
Now that all the soppy stuff is out of the way, I will now talk about what I like doing on a day to day basis :D:

I'm an indoor type of person. I like:

•Watching TV shows like Doctor Who when new episodes come out, The Simpsons and Hollyoaks 5 days a week, and binging on a ton of movies.
•Listening to music pretty much every single day as I'm a huge HUGE fan of it.
•Gaming on PC games such as GTA, Red Dead, and Minecraft.
•I may stay indoors most of the time, but I DO also enjoy doing outdoor activities like spending my days out in places in the UK like Scarborough, Blackpool, Hornsea and Withernsea.
•I'm also interested in Photography, taking stunning photos both indoors and outdoors to store and save for later. Wildlife, sea life and everything else in between is what I'm most interested in :)
•Playing different sports such as Badminton, Bowling, Cricket, Dodgeball, Tennis and Volleyball on the beach are activities I really enjoy doing, but I haven't played them recently thanks to a lack of others playing them with me.
•Gardening and working with plants is something that really fascinates me, planting and watching plants of all shapes and sizes grow is everything I've wanted to do since my late high school days. Also getting a bit of sunshine on my neck in the summer does me some good lol.
•I occasionally like doing artistic activities like card making, paper crafting, drawing and painting, but only on special occasions.
•I also like to read from time to time.

Physical Appearance

My appearance is quite normal:
•I'm 5'8 in height
•I've got quite the decent body shape
•I have no tattoos but I'm considering getting a few in the future
•I've got a small amount of facial hair (but I've shaved recently so I'm not quite as hairy on the face as I used to be)
•I've got quite a lot of hair on the top of my head but keep it in control most times with hairspray
•I've got an average to slightly above average face imo (pics can be exchanged if you're interested in knowing what I look like)
•I'm healthy with no health conditions or concerns
•I wear normal clothes such as buttoned t-shirts, hoodies / denim jackets, jeans / tracksuit bottoms, and leather jackets in colder weather.

You

I'm not too bothered what kind of women I talk to / get with tbh. Just as long as you:
•Live in the UK, or at least in different countries that are close to the UK like Norway, Ireland, Sweden, Belgium, Denmark, France, or perhaps even The Netherlands, since all have shorter time-zone differences to the ones in the UK, (but you can message me wherever you are on the globe)
•Don't smoke or do drugs
•My age limit is between 18-23, but people that are past that age range can also message me.
•I'm not religious, by any means, but I don't mind dating people who are.
•Come as you are, no sugar coating, be real, be genuine. 🚫No NSFW content please🚫, that's all I ask.

Outro

Welp, this is me finally signing off and seeing what happens. If you've read this far, then I appreciate you for taking the time out of your schedule to read my post all the way through :) I hope you have a nice rest of your day 🙏🏻👋🏻 Come say Hi if you're feeling up to it! 🙂

In the past few weeks I've found them in my grapes, lettuce, strawberries and mushrooms :( and the lettuce was the pre-washed stuff too. This has all been food from Lidl.
I understand that this is their natural food too, but I'm worried if I keep getting obsessive about my fruit and veg I'll muck up my ortho-recovery. I really don't want that so I think I will just try elsewhere.
For those of you in the UK, where would you recommend buying your fruit and veg? Shops near and local to me are:

• Lidl - amazing selection, but prone to random shortages... and bugs
• Aldi - never tried before, is it much different to Lidl?
• Morrisons - I've not shopped here much, what is the quality like?
• M&S - fruit and veg all look amazing but it's like £4 for 7 strawberries:')
• Farmfoods - never been in one, idek if they have a section for fresh fruit and veg
• Tesco (the smaller kind) - tiny selection, but I haven't heard anything bad

Any and all help is appreciated - thank you kindly!

Seeing all those recent videos of Lana performing made me really really wanna see her too. Do you think she will tour again somewhere in the near future? What are the chances that she eventually will go to European cities like Berlin, Vienna or Paris? I personally think she won’t (☹️)
I really need to know, because I just graduated as the 6th best of my school and my parents decided to give me a graduation gift, which could technically be going to a concert in the cities I named above.

nowadays there are many gnats mosquitoes etc. Sometimes it happens to me that they go near a nostril of the nose. What I'm wondering is, can a midge get to the brain through the nose? this makes me a lot of anxiety. The internet doesn't give very clear answers

The black domes, they were pocket dimensions, which were completely detached from the material world. Bound to the stream of souls, flowing inside the ephemeral branches of the world tree, they presented a personal hell for each person cast into them. They are a limbo of regrets, the hell of one’s own making, places where the living meets the dead.
There’s only so many ways to elope them. One must either reconcile with the restless souls, or join them, succumbing to their rage and regret that they carried into their afterlife. After all, to even get there, one must possess unparalleled strength and resilience; and only those who had caused deaths and destruction on their path to greatness can even hope to get to this trial.
Freia, Flare, the First princess of Jioral. For some – a good friend, lover, and companion. For others – a nightmare embodied, a vessel of divine powers, a force to be reckoned with. She had many enemies: princes and princesses felled by her authority, treacherous servants and greedy nobles, the knights, who opposed her corruption, slavers and bandits, destroyed on her quest for redemption and restoration of herself… But there were more. Children she had burned, serving her kingdom, women who perished by the tides she conjured, men that had been torn apart by raging tornados of her making, elderly that were buried under the rubble she created…
And how did she oppose them?
“Flagella terram et vescere inimicis meis, o magnum tempestas ignis!” The sorceress chanted, spinning her staff above her head. Then, right before the raging mob reached her, she hid from them behind a vortex of fire. One move and this wave of heat would incinerate everything and everyone in this accursed realm. But…
“TRAITOR!”
“DON’T HIDE FROM US, FLA-A-A-ARE!”
“COME TO US, SISTER!”
“YOU WERE NEVER ONE OF US!”
“USURPER!”
“GIVE ME BACK MY MOM!””
“THE FALSE PRINCESS!”
“SUNNARI (die)!”
“THE DAUGHER OF A WHORE!”
“YOU SHOULD’VE ROT IN THE SLUMS!”
Curses and jealousy, bitterness and hatred. The chorus of tortured souls surrounding the fiery boundary couldn’t be silenced even by the roaring flame. There couldn’t be any redemption.
“I’m sorry for all of you, who unjustly died by my hand!..” And even though there were people deserving their apologies, those who had to perish in favor of Flare’s political ambitions, those she sacrificed to appease her tyrannical father…
“THEN JOIN US, FLARE!”
“PAPA! WHERE ARE YOU?! GIVE HIM BACK!”
“REPENT, BITCH! DISPELL YOUR WITCHCRAFT!!!”
“But I won’t give in to you!” The pink-haired woman exclaimed, absorbing mana into her staff. “Furthermore, there’re those of you I will never regret killing! And there are those, for whom I must live! I MUST GET OUT OF THIS PLACE!!!” Then, she slammed the lower tip of her weapon into the floor made of the absolute darkness. Instead of wailing, being consumed by fear, guilt, self-loathing, and, ultimately, perishing, Freia sundered this entire “world”. One magical strike from her, and cracks of white and gold covered the entire dome. The wall of fire faded, but when the vengeful spirits rushed forward to maul their prey, they crumbled into piles of black salt. “I’m so… so sorry!” The girl lamented, kneeling near the remains of children, whose future she stole. “But I… I must move forward. I must save…”
…
Sparks and crackling, whistle and dazzling – time and time again the surge of lightning breached through the veil of darkness.
“UO-O-O-O-O-O!!!” A guttural scream filled the oppressive silence under the dome. Eve Reese, so childish and bashful, so eager to prove herself, now wore a stone mask of indifference. “Nira-a-a (no-o-o)!!! Yuarmta (I won’t forgive you)!!!” Cornar yelled, held still by at least seven shadows, he had been tortured, killed, bruised, smitten by the raging element of lightning. No longer did the girl see him as a threat; no longer did she cower at the feet of her former husband. Maybe, Eve was condemned to getting back her memories as a means of punishment, something that would make her sympathize with this petty little tyrant…
“Yuarm yau (I don’t need your forgiveness).” The Me-ua kahul spoke, looking at her crackling right arm, trembling with power and guilt combined. Not for forsaking her would-be-spouse, not for becoming Panakea’s pawn…
These souls, these loyal shadows – turned out, she never called upon them… until the very end. Her subjects, her brethren… Eve feared that if she let them out, they would tear her tyrannical husband into little pieces.
“Haa… Haa…” And now, she had to choose. To turn around and let someone else fix her problem, or… “Haa… HAA!!! HAA!!! HAA!!! SUNI (I’ll kill you)!!!”
A Punch to the maw, to the chest, through the ribs, to the heart! He didn’t die! He couldn’t die here! This scumbag of a man, this monster just wouldn’t go away! No matter how much pain she caused him, no matter how many times she slit his throat, broke through his torso, shocked him with spells, cut him with magical light…
And what of Cornar?
“A-A-A-A-A!!! A-A-AGH!!! HA-HA-HA-A!!! NA SHENBATA, SETOAN (you can’t get rid of me, woman)!!!” The son of Hakuo never relented. He relished in his immortality, laughed through the hellish torments Eve inflicted upon him. The skinned lion spotted a weakness in Eve’s heart, and he pressed at it, as if breaking the girl would get him back to the world of the living…
No, he wanted to take Eve to the world of dead.
“Gha-a-a-a… Agh-h-h…” The queen-to-be grabbed her forehead, her rugged breath not only siphoned all the focus out of her, threatening to cast the girl into a pit of despair, it also deteriorated her control over the mana she wielded. Unlike the city of salt, there was enough ambient magic to harvest here, but doing so would require skills, precision, and, most importantly, personal discipline and control over one’s own mind.
“Praibi, orna Iblis (Drain yourself, my Iblis)!” The prince of Batnara shashu tribe provoked, feeling the grip of the shadows losing its strength. A little more, and he’d be free… A little more…
“Hm…” But Eve wouldn’t relent. She once again covered her arm in a coat of magical lightning. She would never surrender; the queen would never let anyone treat her like a slave ever again. Not after Keyaruga’s perseverance taught her a lesson of resilience. Not after his gentleness, however tainted by his wounds, showed her what true love should look like.
She took a swing, prepared to strike…
“…” But then, two winged shadows stopped her hand. Amda and Sana, they were barely recognizable in their spiritual forms… but Eve would never mistake her parents for anyone else. They couldn’t speak, yet they still communicated with their daughter through other means. Emotions, wishes, urges – they never wished such evil to befall their daughter, but what they hated even more – was to see their child descend into the same pit.
“I… I don’t… have to?..” They asked her to stop, to let them relieve her of that burden. “B-but!.. No! You will die!” The girl snarled, grabbing her parents in a hug. She knew what was to come – her mother, father – they wished to sacrifice themselves to drag Cornar back to the afterlife. But that… wouldn’t that mean she’d lose them all over again? Wouldn’t…
“…”
“Yes! You’re dead! So what?! What do I?..” The feeling of pain and powerlessness engulfed the verdant woman. Barely had she found the strength to stand before her fallen tribe, before those who she desired to see the most now left her.
“YOTJAR (finally)!!!” With Eve’s will getting weaker, so did the shadows of her ethereal court. Her tyrannical husband finally broke free, slamming and stomping her shadows, as they fruitlessly tried stopping him. Amda and Sana Reese hugged their child for the last time… and now they stood up to defend their precious daughter. That is… the least they could do.
…
Freia broke inside another dome. From the outside, they looked like bright constellations of stars, formed on the points of a massive, galactic-scaled pentagram. The personal chamber for each of the contenders. One was broken from the inside, collapsing inwards, into a black hole with an orange halo – this was Freia’s dome. There were four more. Two were dimmed, two still shone brightly. The Hero of Magic travelled through this empty space, lit by numerous distant stars. In her current form, things like speed, form, and time – none of them mattered, aside from her destination. And now, she had to choose one of the two luminous chambers.
…
What is true power? Does one determine this abstract concept by the weight one can lift with their muscles? Maybe it was the charisma necessary to lead the masses? Enough money to influence others? Authority earned or inherited?
“Well-well-well…” Whatever the answer truly was, Ellen had none of it right now. No strength to fight, no troops to hide behind, and certainly – those who opposed her now had little if any need of whatever amount of gold she now carried.
“WENCH!”
“TANOUTUR (murderer)!”
“NEZAH (why)?!”
“MERA RIVARO (my life)!..”
“YAU MA (how dare you)!”
“YOU’LL PAY FOR WHAT YOU’VE DONE, BITCH!!!”
Oh, they came for Norn. There were hundreds, if not thousands of them, some she could recall from her Murian and Teuteccain campaigns – the series of expansions past the great wall; others were the court warlords she and John unseated in her ascension; rebellious villagers too came to exact their revenge on the younger princess, after her demons decimated them; and there were the victims of Buranikka’s carnage. This was the mountain of corpses Norn Clatalissa Jioral used to climb onto the very peak of political power…
“Now then, what do you want from me? An apology? Maybe my penance?” Even now, surrounded by countless dead souls, whose entire being now revolved around their grudge, the girl wouldn’t let herself be crushed by their rage. Not mentally, at least.
“DIE!”
“MAN WOR YAKSI (give me your eyes)!”
“SUFFER, YOU MONSTER!”
“I JUST WANTED TO LIVE!!!”
And so, hundreds of voices began howling in unison. So passionate, so eager to share their hardships and aspirations, that Ellen actually started pitying them a little. So many words, so much pain in them.
“Haa… I guess, that something like this was bound to happen someday. Well…” Instead of listening to the rest of the traumatizing nonsense and wailing, the crimson-headed cutie just began… to simply undress. “I don’t have the power to struggle, I can’t break out of here, and all of you came here for me. So go on. Rape me, maul me, kill me, do whatever you want. I’ve already done everything I wanted.” Ellen, now naked and completely defenseless, stretched out on the ethereal black floor, looking into the endless black void above her. The raging souls now came closer and closer, dozens of faces now loomed above her, as their hands reached out to grab the fallen warlady and tear her apart. This… was the end.
Keyaruga, Setsuna, sister… I hope you won’t miss me too much.
And so, she closed her eyes. Time to finally die.
…
…
…
There was no pain, nobody dragged the girl around, not even a single blow fell upon her. Ellen was… safe?
“A-A-A-A!!!”
“UGH-H-H!!!”
“YOLA-A-A-A-A (it hu-u-u-urts)!!!”
Slice and dicing, the ripping of flesh and clattered bones, “death” of a sort, dealt to the undying, torment for the tormented who themselves wished to inflict suffering upon her – someone kept the restless souls away from the princess. Someone precise, fast, and masterful with his tools of mayhem.
“Haa, is that you, Organ?” Ellen asked sullenly. Denied her excruciating retribution once more, she could only cover her tightly shut eyes with her palms.
“How did you know, Your Highness?” Indeed, it was him. As brutal as he was gallant, the deceased demigod was the only one out of these dead souls, who spoke to her, and not wailed at her like some sort of a beast.
“I know only two men, who’d come for me here, and the other isn’t so discreet, you moron.” The young general replied, opening her eyelids. The first thing she saw was the Champion of Jioral, covered in black blood. His prized amber eyes were no more, only black gaping holes were there instead. “Why’re you here? Do you want a piece of me for yourself?” The girl asked, still unwilling to stand up. Honestly, she felt robbed at this moment. This would be such a fitting end for her, but no! “Don’t tell me you’ve just barged in here to… Pff! PROTECT… me.” The second princess spat these words through her painfully clenched teeth.
“First things first, Lady Norn, I suggest you cover your shame and cease this indecency.” The warrior spoke, piercing and slashing the mob with his sword, impaling them with his hidden blade, tossing them back with his kicks. He was far from his prime form, and so, wounds and sores, cuts and lesions were left on him, as he, alone, overpowered dozens of raging men and women, keeping them away from the girl he swore to protect. Indeed… “Forgive me, princess, but I made a vow to your mother, and death is hardly a valid reason to…”
“YAKS… (giv…) A-A-A-A!!!”
“…to renounce my…”
“DOKI-I-I (step away)!!!”
“…loyalty to her!”
Despite everything, no matter the odds, Hawkeye continued to push back the angry spirits. He couldn’t dodge, as every missed blow could land on the lady, he couldn’t step back, as she needed protection more than any time in her life, and, certainly, sustained by this oppressive dimension, he couldn’t die. He couldn’t kill anyone, as they just rose anew from their own black blood, but the man couldn’t retreat.
“He-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh…” The princess chuckled, curling her torso in order to sit up. It hurt her stomach, but the girl persevered nonetheless. “Why am I always surrounded by stupid stubborn men, who just can’t help but dingle their balls before me? Seriously, a dead man, upholding a promise to a dead woman, how much more ridiculous can this get?” The girl scoffed, pulling back her panties, bra, and whatever she left lying around, back on. After all, why even bother now? “Be honest, idiot! What do you want from me?”
“I came here…”
Slash, backflip, tackle, toss – Organ Trist twirled around his commander, pushing back everyone, who came too close to his prized princess.
“…to ask you, Lady Norn!..”
Shoulder slam, side-kick, a flurry of bloodshed embodied in the son of Artemis!
“…to save my…”
Stabbing enemies with that hidden blade, crushing their skulls with the handle of his blade, ripping their eyes out and tossing them away – however useless this double-sided brutality may seem, Hawkeye had purpose, skill, and, most of all, conviction, that allowed him to push the mob away.
“…daughter! Save Marianna!”
After all, what can be stronger, than a father, eager to protect his dear child?
“And you think keeping me alive will help you with that? You, moron, this bloated pigeon trapped me here! I have only one way out – fucking death!” The second princess, now properly clothed again, yelled however loud she could. Unable to comprehend the reasoning behind this idiocy, the girl just stood there, pulling her crimson hair. “Also, you’re severely mistaken! I’m not Norn! Norn’s dead! My name is…”
“…Elly! Elly-y-y!!!” Barely had the princess opened her mouth; before the dome had been breached from the outside. The Hero of Magic emerged above the ground. She levitated, using magical blue flames; she secured her sister by forming a wall around her, a barricade made from powerful ice spears. The sorceress even went so far as to send one into the undead Champion, it was one he easily avoided, though. “Step away from my sister, Organ!!!” The raging magician demanded, pulling her sibling towards her with a gust of mystical wind.
“Ghh! Oh, hey there, Friea!” The fallen warlady spoke, bracing herself against the dizziness her brief flight had caused. Still, this didn’t look good. The last time those two met, Hawkeye severely injured the pink-haired girl, and she just wouldn’t live through it again, unless two gods appeared to help her. This time, though, it was her turn to be a deity-savior.
“Get away! You’ve bested me once, but this time, I can crash this entire realm down onto your head!” The Hero of Magic promised, putting her staff between her sister and her enemy.
“Aw shit, this just gets better and better…” The little genius lamented, nervously shaking her head. Not only was her glorified suicide rudely interrupted, but now this situation threatened to kill her sister as well. Still…
“Elly, Elly… Ellen? Ellen the Adopted?” Despite Freia’s expectations, Organ Trist was more interested in the new name she called Norn, rather than anything else, really. He already had his fair share of battles, after all. “Ho-ho-o! I guess, in the end, you really did become the better version of yourself! And the ‘brother’ in question – is that sir Keyaru?” The blinded man asked with the same smugness he once boasted with in his grandiose life.
“What’s the point of answering you now? Aren’t we just traitors to you?” The heroine replied with every bit of animosity she had in her. “Hold on, Elly, I’ll get you out of here.” Freia stated, charging her staff with the magic that shaped this entire “world”.
“Heh, aren’t you afraid of what that damn poisoned pigeon might do to you for breaking her rules?” The crimson-haired cutie scoffed, witnessing the entire black dome covering with cracks.
“I don’t care about her rules! All I want is to see you safe!” The sorceress spoke with even more defiance toward Caladrius than Norn ever had in her. If needed, she would challenge this feathered nightmare to a duel, anything, just to save her family.
“I see…” Hawkeye uttered, kneeling before the two girls. All that time, rather than monitoring Freia’s moves, his supernatural senses were aimed outside, to make sure no restless souls cross the fence of magic ice. But now… “I see your eyes, Princess Flare, they’re just like hers. I’m sure; you’ll make Lady Reeharoze proud of you yet.” Now, before he once again departs to the other side, there was one last thing to tell them. First praise, then a claim… “Lady Ellen, I beg of you. The life of Marianna now lies in your hands.” …and finally a plea. With all that said, Organ Trist crumbled, his body turned into black salt. And with it, the entire realm began to collapse in itself…
“Hold tight, Elly…”
…
And now, there was only one dark dome left. Arguably, the worst of them all, this particular world was to be the prison for Keyaruga… or his cemetery. No doorways to run into, no windows to jump from. He was alone, trapped with hundreds of those who were slain by his hand. Those poor bastards – the restless souls, their minds were so obsessed with hatred, and their grudge – powered by the sheer immortality of their ethereal blackened bodies. This was hell in its purest form. The question is – a hell for who, exactly?
“YE-E-E-E-E-EAH!!! IT’S HEALING TIME!!!” Keyaruga snarled and began splattering blood all over the place. Everyone who was touched by that substance became horribly mutated – their heads bloated, their muscles strained so much, they crushed their very bones! “WHAT’S WRONG?! KILL ME!!! KILL ME NOW!!!” The man demanded, dancing around his would-be tormentors with his blade, blessing his foes with the exquisite gift of perpetual agony! Saber in his right hand, Georgius on his left, one complementing another.
Despite what the lad asked, nobody could bring him down. His immortal flesh defied any blade, his bones healed in an instant, his mad frenzy alleviated any pain.
He thought he could kill his enemies for the second and final time, give them proper death in the most excruciating manner. He was wrong…
“DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! AGAIN! AND AGAIN! AND ALL OVER AGA-A-A-A-AIN!!!” The hero yelled chopping off heads and severing limbs! He killed so many, he couldn’t even count the slayings! He murdered the same people over and over, each time their agony being more exquisite then the last!
Kill a man once, he won’t even notice, his rage will only rise! Kill him thrice – he’d waver! Five – and the seeds of fear are sown. Ten – and he’s broken completely!
Keyaruga just couldn’t help himself, he hated these scum so much, he just couldn’t contain all his passionate hatred. It was so strong, that the feeling of pure, raw, primordial wrath transcended every possible modification he had put into himself.
“A-A-A-A-A!!! UGH-H-H-H-H!!!” A soldier was weeping, hugging his boot. “S-S-S-S-SPA-A-A-ARE ME-E-E!!!”
“YO-O-OU!!! I remember you!” The healer spoke, raising the cretin by his neck. “My first kill! You watched me being raped, drugged… BEATEN!!!” The man yawped, slicing off his upper face with one nimble slice. “AND YOU NEVER!!! EVER!!! EVER FUCKING HELPED ME!!!” The lad, tainted by black and red blood, slammed the sentry into the ‘floor’…
“A-A-A-A-A!!! PLE-E-E-EASE!!!” …and gleefully sliced off his arms, ignited sparked his left armored hand into a gauntlet of blazing heat!..
“GU-GHH-GUU!!! UA-A-A-A-A-A-A!!!” And finally, cauterized the wounds, just so that the retard wouldn’t die too soon.
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!!!” The crazed avenger yelled, grabbing Leonard, so conveniently nearby, weeping. “YOU SAID, I’VE DONE NOTHING FOR THIS FUCKING KINGDOM?! I’LL SHOW YOU, WHAT I CAN DO NO-O-OW!!!”
And so he did, the madman rested his two fingers on the sadist’s forehead. A second passed, and a purple spark had announced the richest form of suffering.
“Oh… U-u… Uo-o-o-o-o-o… Khh…” Indeed, although it wasn’t as vocal as previous ones, Keyaruga was more than pleased with the result. He knew of a human having specific nerves, specifically for reacting to pain. And he just overloaded them. Toxic spiders, dangerous medusas, venomous snakes and scorpions – all of them could do that with their poisons. Hell, even Keyaruga could brew neurotoxins. But damn, this thing had one ultimate merit compared to all of those – the instant effect, so potent, in fact, that the victim can’t even cry out from the excruciating pain!
“He-e! That’s a neat trick.” The lad mumbled, approaching a maid, lying on the “floor” like an embryo. Flare’s bodyguard shivered and sucked her thumb, completely lost to this twisted world. Just one little touch… “Pam! You’re already dead!” Keyaruga sneered tapping his armored fingers by her temple.
“Uh… Uh… Ugh… W… Wha-?.. A-A-A-A-A-A-AGH-H-H!!!” The woman grabbed her skull, but it was too late. All the blood, bile, and even marrow now came into her brain, bloating it, up until it burst in a fountain of black blood and shining entrails.
“Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!! I FUCKING LOVE IT!!!” The deranged healer laughed so loud, and his presence was so overwhelming now, that nobody even dared to come close to him, let alone attack, unless they wished to become a victim of a new twisted experiment. Oh, their fear, this agonizing panic! They’re giving me a fucking boner! I wanna fuck! I want a woman! Oh, this! This will do nicely!
And so, Keyaruga dropped his saber, unfastened his belt, ripped the dress, slapped that ass which he had found, grabbed it, pushed it in! The woman with a blackened tail was slowly dying of blood loss, but that barely concerned the lad. He grabbed her pelvis and began to move, so fast, so frantic, and so mindless, that no one could see a human in him. No-o, this was a wild beast, slamming his bulging cock into the defenseless female, too tired to react, let alone resist somehow. She wasn’t even tight, just barely warm, but even that was enough. A few minutes of such suffering inflicted on her, and he came, this was a brilliant orgasm, deeply perverted, and twisted to the very core…
Oh, that’s the fucking best! I love it so much!
Keyaruga grabbed her hand, wiped his penis with it, pull back his pants, and…
I don’t remember her. I wonder, who that is.
He pushed the body, rolling it to the back.
“Ha-a-a… Hello again, Kailia…” The mad lad recognized her instantly. An agent, sent to find and assist Eve Reese in her quest, hired by someone named Carol. But that alone wouldn’t be enough to get Keyaruga to brutally rape her. “You’ve killed my Norn, but I spared you. Heh, after Kali left, I tasked you to ward off whoever they sent after my Eve, but… It seems like you’ve failed. Really, really sad.” The healer spoke, resting his left hand on her dying flesh, recovering it in an instant. And just like that… “Oh, fuck!” She nearly stabbed him with a knife. Gods only knew where she got it from… “Sit still.” But then, Keyaruga just pressed his finger on her forehead, and completely shut down her limbs functions. He pitied her… but could do nothing for this miserable leopard woman.
“Haa… Damn, it’s getting boring here.” The hero lamented, picking up his weapon of choice. At this point, he just put it back in its sheath. Only then did he spot a couple of new faces in the crowd of weeping bastards. “You there! You don’t look like you should be here. What’s… wait…”
“STAY AWAY FROM ME, MONSTER!!!” The woman cried, she was weeping into her man’s now tainted shirt.
“Heh! He-heh! No-no-no-o! Oh no-o-o!” Keyaruga frantically shook his head, unable to believe what he just saw. This was the worst. This… “Anna! Kurt! What… What’re you even doing here?! I… I avenged you! You shouldn’t have…” His parents were there, they stood among the thugs, slavers, robbers, bandits, zealots, murderers… But they… they weren’t one of them…
“You killed us, traitor. You raped my wife, after everything she’s done for you. You’re disgusting little shit!” The mighty harvester told him, pointing his war-scythe at the hero. The only thing that held him at bay, though, was his spouse, loudly crying with black tears pouring from her eyes.
“Heh… You… really think I’d…”
“No. But you’ve proven it.” Kurt spoke with the coldest possible rage in his voice. Keyaru’s cruelty couldn’t be doubted, after all. Not after everyone he maimed this day. “I don’t give a fuck, what the hell is wrong with you, but I’ll slice your guilty ass as many times as I need.” The older man spoke, pushing Anna aside. And then, he lunged.
Kurt struck as a true warrior – he was swift, accurate, precise – his war scythe – basically a reforged farming tool, grazed Keyaruga’s torso, cut his leg, he even stabbed his foster son through his chest. But… there was no blood.
“Calm down, you two.” The hero demanded, stoically taking hit after hit, like the heavy glaive-like blade was nothing. While Anna crumbled to her knees, lost in her weeping, Kurt wouldn’t stop attacking. “You can’t kill me, I’m immor-…” Barely did the lad say so; before his foster father grabbed the handle in a wide grip, and just swept his head off with one precise strike.
“NO-O-O-O-O-O-O!!!” Strangely enough, despite all of the delusions his parents had about him, Anna just couldn’t stand seeing her child being killed so brutally. “A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A!!! WHY-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y?!!!” As Keyaru’s head rolled on the ground, the thugs, at least those who weren’t affected by any of hero’s inventive afflictions, started to get rallied again.
“You had it coming, you ungrateful dipshit!” Kurt spat through tightly closed teeth. He couldn’t watch, couldn’t face what he had to do with his adopted prodigy. Even if he was a criminal. Even if…
“I really did…” But the bastards weren’t enjoying the show for too long. Right when the healer seemed to fall, a new body started to grow from his neck-stump, the clothes, the pouches, the weapons – everything turned into ash just to materialize again on the proudly standing conqueror of death itself.
“What devilry is this?” Kurt’s reaction was understandable. A mix of fear, anger, and disgust, was all over his tainted face. In turn…
“KEYARU-U-U-U!!!” Anna just dashed forward to hug her child. No matter, how disgustingly atrocious his resurrection was, without even looking at the beheaded body that now lied nearby, the woman just went ahead to embrace the lad. She… didn’t seem to be in her right mind, even for a dead soul.
“Anna, I… I…” The shivers began taking a hold of him. His hands, his knees – they trembled so much, this simple touch he though he lost forever, this… This was enough to make him cry. “I’m sorry… I’m so, so, so, so-o-o sorry!..”
“DIE, FUCKER!!!”
“THAT YOU HAVE TO SEE ME DOING THIS!!!” Keyaruga yelled, grabbing Leonard by his wrist. Just a little pressure – and he dropped his sword, the weapon faded into nothingness. Then, the man pushed Anna back, punched his foe in the gut, and proudly showed his captive to his family. “Haa… He-heh! He-e-e… This… This is Leonard, Flare’s… right hand…” The hero spoke, this time trying to maintain his sanity, as his parents now cautiously looked at him. “I… I came from the future! I had to rewind time’s flow itself… Because Flare was evil, and he…” Then, the man put his hand onto the barely struggling imbecile, thus transforming him into Keyaru, the motionless child, whose entire mobility, except for breathing, was shut down for the ease of what he was about to do. “I killed Flare! And he took my guilt. Then…” Afterwards, the healer went ahead and summoned raging flames upon his free hand. Kurt and Anna watched motionlessly, as he approached the magic-shrouded palm onto his face, burn it, scourged the blackened flesh with the sorcery he stole ‘learned’ from Flare… “My trick was revealed, and he headed out to our village, looking just like me. The rest… you know the rest.”
And finally, Keyaruga dropped the motionless doll, unable even to cry out from the excruciating pain the Hero of Healing inflicted upon it. He then faced his parents, still shocked by such a display of the merciless brutality, they couldn’t even properly reply, this entire spectacle of bloodshed, mayhem, rape, torture, demonstration of immortality, and now – proofs of metamorphosis – all of that left them utterly silent.
“Kurt, Anna… I’m so sorry I couldn’t saved you… But I can’t let you, or any one of these fuckers keep me here! I… I have a family! Freia, Setsuna, Ellen, Eve – I so wanted you to meet them… But you can’t now. You… might not believe me, and I understand that.” The red-eyed lad uttered, as his posture crouched more and more, along with his fading bravery. “This is what it’s like to be a man! I must be strong! I have to be ruthless now, so that nobody would challenge me in the future!” The man added, now turning his back to his foster parents. He stood straight, he stretched his shoulders, took a deep breath, and… “LISTEN HERE, YOU FUCKING MONSTERS!!! WHAT YOU’VE FELT NOW IS BUT A TINY BIT OF WHAT I’LL DO TO YOU, ONCE I’M FUCKING DEAD!!! NOW YOU WILL GO INTO THE DEEPEST PITS OF HELL, AND WHEN YOU’RE THERE, PRAY I DON’T FUCKING DIE ANYTIME SOON!!! BECAUSE WHEN I FINALLY KICK THIS SHITTY BUCKET, I’LL FIND EACH OF YOU, AND WE’LL BE PLAYING FOR THE WHOLE OF ETERNITY!!! BUT WHY WAIT, WHEN WE CAN HAVE SOME FUN NOW, HU-U-U-UH?!!!”
The speech was told, the impact made. His words were so zealous, so passionately intimidating, that the weeping fools now reached a whole new depth of despair.
“GET US OUT OF HERE!!!”
“SAVE ME-E-E-E!!!”
“HE’S THE DEVIL!!! DE-E-EVIL!!!”
“UA-A-A-A-A-A-A!!!”
“KUUNDA (I’m so scared)!!!”
“HE-E-E-E-E-ELP!!!”
And so, this entire crowd, this mob of immortal corpses, just ran away. Everyone, who could still stand on their feet, began fleeing in panic, trampling each other in the process. What they failed to notice, though, is that the dome is endless only for its main victim. Everyone else just came up against the invisible wall.
The Trial of Heart – its goal is twisted, to be certain. To pass it would mean releasing the dead souls from their grudge toward you. A saint would shift it to forgiveness, but a deranged avenger pumped so much fear in those criminals, that their hatred was replaced by the purest and most animalistic terror. Still, with the task done, the souls began to dissipate in a white light. They would finally be free…
“REMEMBER!!! YOU’VE NOT SEEN THE LAST OF ME!!! WE’LL MEET AGAIN, YOU FUCKING SHITBAGS!!!” Unfortunately for them, though, Keyaruga’s long shadow still loomed above them all. And such, even in relief, the crowd continued to cry, to sob, to wail, to…
“Keya… ru…” But not all left because of dread. When the avenger turned around, his foster mother, crumbling into white flakes, stood on her tiptoes to give him a last kiss on the cheek. “You’ve grown… so much…”
And so, she faded. Kurt quickly followed, although it wasn’t forgiveness or benevolence that filled his raging soul. No, it was an impotent acceptance. He saw Keyaruga as a mirror, in which he saw himself, before he deserted the royal guard and found himself in Alban.
“Someday… you’ll follow my path…” And this was what the man spoke at last, dropping his war-scythe to the ethereal ground. With no souls to redeem in the most twisted of ways, the dome of blackness quickly turned insufferably bright.
The Trial of Heart had been passed.

I'm interested in getting my hands on a Hurdy-Gurdy. If you know anyone or own one yourself please let me know. Would rather support someone near by then buy one online or something along those lines.

hello! will be moving to manila near the yellow school in june for my review for boards. i'm looking for someone to be productive with or kahit ka-rant lang ganun within the area or pwede rin naman online lang hehe chatmates
about me: -22/F -5'2" -premed graduating student -talkative and makulit once we vibe -not really looking for romance as of the moment but we'll never know lol jk
about you: -22-26 YO -student -talkative and makulit
hmu!

Long for context: 29 bi m here. Grew up super conservative with a non accepting family that I still love. (When they found out I had a boyfriend in college, I got pulled out completely and sent to counseling. Almost 10 years later its something we mostly avoid but still incredibly difficult to work through with people you love)
So: Dated a guy a few years ago. He encouraged me to keep it quiet for a few months so we could build a relationship without me worrying about family. Id come out about us when i was comfident this was long term. Well...6 months in, I'd made up my mind I wanted to do that. He was my best friend, and I was planning to marry him. Even if that meant giving up a stable job, the house I'd just bought, and moving across the country so he could reconnect with his mom. Right or wrong, I'd gone all in on someone I adored and trusted completely. (In hindsight, maybe this was the design flaw. I had to go all in on him and I did...) Still, we were incredibly close. We'd gone in about a year from best friends to someone I wanted to marry.
During this time, his friends outted him as occasionally using some mild drugs, and while i didn't agree with it, I stuck by him. Covid hit about this time and made dates hard, but we still had a great time together nearly weekly. He went on anti anxiety meds about a month or so in as well that completely changed the personality. He went from one of the sweetest and most genuine people to having no emotion what so ever right at the end.
On our 6 month anniversary, he showed up saying he wanted to talk. All I got was "I decided last night I don't love you anymore. We have differences, and like my parents, we'd break up eventually. Can I leave now?" Completely expressionless. Just absolutely blank stare. I never heard from him again. I learned later when I contacted his ex (that I'd caught him texting "trying to get a bike back" maybe a week before he came over to break up) that he'd been reconnecting with several others "as friends" right before everything ended.
It's been a few years and I just started a new relationship. But I can't get over him. It's driven a typically level headed me insane fighting trying to let go of someone I was willing to give up my life for. How do you get past loving someone like that? And how do you regain sanity when someone absolutely crushes you so unexpectedly without any opportunity for closure?
I get he's probably a cheating narcissistic jerk. But he was mine. I've only got about one friend I can talk about this stuff with. So gay bros of reddit... throw me the advice you'd give your friends. I want to love well. But this one has my heart in dust.

I first got HPPD when i was sixteen after having tripped only a few times. It destroyed me. I was a good student, I had a decent social life, I went out a lot, but coping with the aggressive disruptions of my vision and mental state was taking an enormous toll on me and I buckled. I fell into an extremely deep depression, had horrible eating habits, I gained 70 pounds (I ordered crazy amounts of take out every day and would eat it all in bed), I barely practiced hygiene, stopped going to school, lost friends. I was a shell of the person I used to be and it felt like I was hitting a new low every month. I nearly killed myself on several occasions.
This lasted for about four years.I barely graduated high school and had already spent two years doing fuckall while living at my parents house by the time I got so disgusted with myself that I decided to try to improve things.
It took a while, but I got sober, started losing weight (35 lbs down at the time of this post), got out more, started making friends, even found God lol, and I’m registered for classes at my community college this fall. I’m turning 20 in a couple weeks and I’m entering this new phase of my life with an optimism i haven’t felt in many years and I can genuinely say that I’m happy. That’s not to say that I’ve healed - I haven’t. I still struggle with my visuals and find myself angry about the way things ended up for me a lot, but I guess I’ve changed my attitude towards these issues. I learned to cope. There are definitely bad days, but they’re not nearly as bad as they used to be. I didn’t think I’d ever get to this point, but here we are.
To everyone who’s recently gotten hppd, to those of you who are scared - you’re ok, you’ll learn to cope, and things will eventually get better for you. Just give it time and dont do drugs lol.

Sorry if this post is all over the place; it's my first time posting on reddit. I thought I might describe the whole relationship we had and what went down, in case it changed the etiquette. I'll put the beginning of the current situation and the actual issue in bold if someone wants to skip the massive backstory.
So, the thing is, I (now 24F) became really close friends with a girl (now 23F) from my grup at university 3 years ago. We were both good students, liked similar things, watched some of the same movies and shows, loved cats etc., so we quickly bonded. We became nearly inseparable, we studied together, shared all our notes, hung out after classes, I met her gf and spent time with them, and when they unfortunately broke up, I did everything I could to support my friend (and I was really really worried about her mental health, I got like 3 hours of sleep that first night between physically staying with her and then texting, I started inviting her to my family outings etc.), eventually (near the end of the friendship last year) I was even invited to spend a week at her house with her family and while I was there, I was also invited to her older sister's wedding that was happening about a month later (a lot of people started saying they wouldn't attend so the thought was that if I came, then at least some of the money wouldn't go to waste, I suppose).
While things started off great, they changed over time. Like I mentioned, she got that gf and I didn't have the time for dating and wasn't even particularly interested in the guys around me to begin with. She also got cats and then fostered kittens. So her life got busier while mine didn't, and I understood that. The workload of sharing notes started shifting to where I was doing increasingly more. But I was doing it mainly for myself anyway, so I saw no harm in sharing what I had.
But I'm not going to lie, it started getting more and more irritating. Sometimes we'd agree to split the questions between the two of us 50/50 and the day before the test she'd text me saying she wouldn't be able to do her part because she had had a migraine (I got that) and then she took her cats for a long walk, and also her new gf showed up at her place too (that I didn't get). By the time I finished the whole thing, she was asleep and read what I had prepared in the morning. Whatever.
Things started getting bad a year and a half ago, around the time of her sister's wedding. I live in the city where we study but she only rents a flat for the two semesters and goes home halfway across the country for any longer breaks. She was looking for a new place and I went to see one of the flats for her but ultimately, it fell through. Later, she found a place and decided to take it without sending me there to look at it - but she did ask me to get the keys from the owner. It happened the day before I was leaving for that wedding so I could take the keys with me. I agreed no problem but then she changed her mind, calling the whole thing off - only to change it again after a few hours. I told her it's okay but to please let me know earlier if we're ever in a similar situation again (I still had to pack, also it was quite some distance for me to travel so I lost about an hour on public transport, and ofc I had to buy myself tickets - but I didn't mention any of that). Which apparently was a wrong thing to say 'cause she got mad and started ignoring my text messages, including the ones where I asked what time I was supposed to meet the owner (I didn't have the lady's number). When she finally responded, she said she didn't know. Always one to placate others, I started politely asking her to please find out because I didn't want the owner to wait for me, blah blah blah. Eventually, we figured it out, I handled it and went back to preparing.
The wedding was a disaster in itself. It involved her absurdly creepy cousin who clearly had never spoken to a girl and after just 1 day was convinced we were in love and would be together. I understand she found my following her irritating but I didn't really know anyone else and I was freaked out by the cousin - and her egging him on didn't help xd One of the instances was when he kept openly staring at me (y'know how when you look at somebody and they look your way, you look away? well, he didn't) and I decided to kind of show him I wasn't there specifically as his plus one, so I asked my friend's plus one (he's gay and we had met a few times before) to go dance with me, and he was happy to go with me - but my friend said that no, he was there with her and I could go dance with the cousin. And when I finally snapped and glared at her and said firmly but quietly (so no one else could hear) to stop (she was laughing about how he and I should get a photo together for the wedding photobook), she got mad at me. Well, fine, it was just a few hours, I could sit at the table and endure the creepy staring, it's not like he'd try anything with everyone watching. My friend's plus one had a cold or something so I decided to leave with him. Apparently, she was upset that we left so early. The next day, she wasn't speaking to me until we had to leave for the afterparty and did some shopping together etc. But during the party she kept to her sister and her bff and I didn't want to cause any more trouble between us so I stayed on my own - until the cousin showed up. Now, I'm the type of person who freezes when in a sudden, stressful situations, and that's exactly what happened. He tried holding my hands, again stared at me, didn't realise my constant fiddling with my phone was an indication that I didn't want to spend time with him, and generally made this whole day miserable for me. I was so stressed out I couldn't even eat anything. In the evening, hours later, my friend realised what was happening and decided to drive me to her house early. Ofc he tagged along but she made sure to take him back with her. He kept texting me, saying he was going to go to the train station the next morning to see me off and that he would soon come to my city to visit me, and he could stay at my place while he was there. The next day, my friend's mom drove me to the station (my friend woke up too late to go), and once I was on the train, I blocked him. I also texted with my friend and found out that she, as well as her other cousins who sat at our table at the wedding, had approached the dude to tell him to stop but he ignored them. They eventually got his parents involved and that was why he wasn't at the train station. It made me feel much better about the whole thing, since she didn't abandon me like I thought she had. And again, I understand I was kinda a nuisance - a shy stranger at a family gathering.
After that, things were good for a while. But then, the classes started again and it was becoming stressful and taxing again. We have extracurricular classes we have to attend, and our group needed to prepare a short "article" on a topic we chose. I wrote the whole thing but asked the others to please read through it and let me know if they were okay with what I managed so I could send it to the teacher (they did). I also reached out to my friend and asked her specifically to let me know when she had a moment to read it because I valued her opinion a little bit more, since she would tell me if she didn't like something and the others wouldn't (it wasn't even 2 pages long), and she told me she would. Well, she never did, she started sending me memes and talking about the tests she re-took instead. So at the end of the day (the deadline), I asked her how her test went but because I was quite fed up, I didn't stop myself from adding, "thanks btw. next time, let me know you don't feel like doing something we agreed on so I won't have to wait unnecessarily". Should I have just ignored it and went on with my life? Yeah, sure. But I was angry and I don't think what I said was all that bad. Well, to her it was.
I had already noticed she didn't like any sort of critique of herself, even if it was something like us disagreeing on how to perform an experiment (the difference between us was that I had read the instruction). I suppose we both instinctively assume a bit more of a leadership role and sometimes we clashed because of that. She would get very defensive, and I suppose I did too. But in this particular instance, she clearly misunderstood me and an actual argument ensued. What I wanted to say was that I didn't like what our dynamic was, how I was doing so much and was held to those previous standards while she changed her mind whenever she felt like it, was much less reliable and I had to accommodate her almost all the time. But she seemed to think I was looking for gratitude for some reason? That's not what I care about at all; whenever I had some notes or excel sheets or whatever before the rest of the group, I always shared it on our group chat, and never expected thanks or anything. When I discuss a question that may be on a test with somebody, once I find the correct answer, I send it to them, even if it's days later, simply because they wanted to know at one point. I don't care about gratitude and in fact, it makes me uncomfortable. I want to have a good relationship with everyone and if my openness with sharing means that in the future when I need some help, I can go ask one of those people and they will willingly help me, that's an added bonus. Idk why my friend would ever think that but once I realised there was that misunderstanding, I tried to explain what I meant before trying to placate her.
She, however, was really mad, and said a bunch of really hurtful stuff. That, in turn, made me remind her of how she had treated me at the wedding (apparently I was still salty about her initially egging her cousin off), and that prompted her to say that she never wanted me at that wedding in the first place and that I inject myself wherever I can. Now, I never told this to anyone other than my very best friend, but I think I might be somewhere on the autism spectrum and I really don't know how to read between the lines. It's not clear to me what's appropriate and what isn't. So when her mother came up with the idea of me coming to the wedding, my friend's sister gave me an invitation and my friend encouraged me to go, I simply thought it would be okay for me to do so. Now I know to keep to myself and to turn down any offers unless they come from my closest friends and family. But once I got those texts, I got really hurt and was desperately trying to just end the argument, let her be mad at me for a while and we could go back to normal again.
Well, she was apparently done. She ended the friendship and blocked me. Honestly, while it made me realise just how lonely I am, it also did me some good, I think. I focused on myself, my own studying, and haven't had to retake a single test up to this day. She, on the other hand, had to retake almost all of them. Idk if it was just her being used to me doing so much for her or if something else came up in her life, and frankly, I don't care anymore. I wasn't going to go out of my way to antagonise her or anything, we just ignored each other. Eventually, we had to work together on some project and that led to us sometimes talking to each other during a chat with other people from our group. We say hi when we see each other. But nothing beyond that. She unblocked me (idk if she needed to do that in order for us to be able to create a group chat with a third girl for the project, or if she just randomly decided to undo it, don't care) but we don't text or talk when it's just the two of us. I realised that even if she wanted to make amends, I wouldn't want to be friends with her anyway. I got burned and I learned my lesson. Sometimes I feel like I was being used, sometimes - like I overreacted and was too self-centered. At one point, she saw me crocheting something for a colleague (I picked up crocheting fairly recently, she didn't know about it) and asked if I would make something for her (a specific project that she'd pay me for). I was a bit hesitant and mentioned it to my best friend and she told me not to ever do it. She said my ex-friend treated me the way she did but wanted to still gain from me. So I decided not to do it after all. If she wants it, she can learn or find somebody else.
Now. After some time, when I was still blocked by her, I realised she had two of my books, and I had one of hers. I have been struggling with what to do since then. They're my books and I want them back. I have read one of them and the other one suddenly disappeared from all bookstores here so I couldn't get it if I tried. I'm upset over the fact but at this point I'd rather buy them again than have to reach out to her. But on the other hand, I have that one book of hers - and it's supposedly her favourite.
Now, we're probably going to see each other for the last time for an exam on Tuesday. The next time would be at our graduation in March of 2024. So here's my question: do I bring her book on Tuesday without saying anything? Do I hand it to her and tell her to keep my books or give them away to a library? Or do I keep her book as a hostage in case she ever wants it back?

I found a nestling bird last night I found it on the gravel in my garden not near any nests, I have been feeding it little bits of wet cat food, don’t really know what I’m doing and would prefer to give it to someone more experienced ?? I have rang the vets and not much help have just told me to keep it which I don’t really want. I’m happy to travel to someone if need be! I’m Downpatrick area based.

i dont think my stepmom is treating me right. i wanna ask if this is wrong, but basically, she made a threat, and i wont say what it is, but after she said "you guys can call cps, or the cops. theyll take you away and ill live an easier life. i could be on a yacht in a bikini thong shaking my booty but i have to take care of you". she also calls us a disappointment regularly. she also told me that she will never call me a they/them and that im not a real bisexual because ive never had intercourse with a woman, and she also tells me that im acting depressed for attention and that ive never been through shit. she says that shes had it so hard and i dont know anything. one time i tried to open up to her for once and i told her i wanted to unalive myself, and then she said "okay then unalive yourself". my dad doesnt do anything about this, he says its just "tough love" and that "she has a different parenting style", but im deadass moving back to florida because at least my mom and stepdad dont say and do shit like this, and they tend to my basic needs too. my parents refused to cook dinner or buy food all week because we misbehaved, and we were starving all week. am i overreacting, or no?

Example: In Episode 1, his apprentice Darth Maul was able to successfully hold his own against 2 jedi's, both a master and an apprentice.
Yet in the Disney series, Maul got annihilated by Palpatine in seconds, even when he had his brother as backup.
I feel we never really got to see this side of Palpatine in the movies. His agility, skills and mastery at fighting. We saw glimpses of it in Episode 3, but nowhere near enough.
He easily fooled me into thinking he was just a frail old man who was able to shoot deadly lightning from his hands... but the truth is this is just a clever act to deceive people. In truth, his fighting skills dwarf those of practically EVERYONE else in the galaxy. THAT is why everyone fears him, including Vader.
PS. It shows that Yoda truly was the mightiest Jedi who ever lived, to be able to go toe-to-toe with Palpatine, with no holes barred, and survive. Note how Yoda was the only Jedi that Palpatine tried to escape from, and when fighting him, even when using ALL his powers, the best he could do against Yoda was a stalemate.
Had it been any other Jedi, hell even a whole gang of Jedi's, I'm sure Palpatine could have flattened them in seconds, whilst holding a sandwich in one hand.
For the record, I know people will argue that Mace Windu 'defeated' him - I don't think Palpatine was actually using his true strength against him. Remember, at this point his key agenda was to fully turn Anakin to the dark side, and he needed an angle to finally make Anakin snap. By allowing himself to 'lost' to Windu, and be 'at his mercy' right in front of Anakin, it gave Palpatine the PERFECT outlet to finally force Anakin to give in to the dark side.
I believe Yoda was the only Jedi in the movies that Palpatine truly used 100% of his power against.. and still survive.

PODCAST: https://ayearofwarandpeace.podbean.com/e/ep1572-hail-and-farewell-george-moore-vale-chapter-112/
PROMPTS: George does not care about you, whatsoever.
Today's Reading, via Project Gutenberg:
Borde could not enlighten him on that point, and I suggested that he should make application to the publisher of his Prayer-Book and get his money back. There is nobody. I said, like him. He is more wonderful than anything in literature. I prefer him to Sancho who was untroubled with a conscience and never thought of running to the Bishop of Toledo. All the same he is not without the shrewdness of his ancestors, and got the better of Archbishop Walsh, and for the last five years Vincent O'Brien has been beating time, and will beat it till the end of his life; and he will be succeeded by others, for Edward has, by deed, saved the Italian contrapuntalists till time everlasting from competition with modern composers. He certainly has gotten the better of Walsh. And I thought of a picture-gallery in Dublin with nothing in it but Botticelli and his school, and myself declaring that all painting that had been done since had no interest for me.... A smile began to spread over my face, for the story that was coming into my mind seemed oh! so humorous, so like Ireland, so like Edward, that I began to tell myself again the delightful story of the unrefined ears that, weary of erudite music, had left the cathedral and sought instinctively modern tunes and women's voices, and as these were to be found in Westland Row the church was soon overflowing with a happy congregation. But in a little while the collections grew scantier. This time it couldn't be Palestrina, and all kinds of reasons were adduced. At last the truth could no longer be denied—the professional Catholics of Merrion Square had been driven out of Westland Row by the searching smells of dirty clothes, and had gone away to the University Church in Stephen's Green. So if it weren't Palestrina directly it was Palestrina indirectly, and the brows of the priests began to knit when Edward Martyn's name was mentioned. Them fal-de-dals is well enough on the Continent, in Paris, where there is no faith, was the opinion of an important ecclesiastic. But we don't want them here, murmured a second ecclesiastic. All this counterpoint may make a very pretty background for Mr Martyn's prayers, but what about the poor people's? Good composer or bad composer, there is no congregation in him, said a third. There's too much congregation, put in the first, but not the kind we want! The second ecclesiastic took snuff, and the group were of opinion that steps should be taken to persuade dear Edward to make good their losses. The priests in Marlborough Street sympathised with the priests of Westland Row, and told them that they were so heavily out of pocket that Mr Martyn had agreed to do something for them. It seemed to the Westland Row priests that if Mr Martyn were making good the losses of the priests of the pro-Cathedral, he should make good their losses. It was natural that they should think so, and to acquit himself of all responsibility Edward no doubt consulted the best theologians on the subject, and I think that they assured him that he is not responsible for indirect losses. If he were, his whole fortune would not suffice. He was, of course, very sorry if a sudden influx of poor people had caused a falling-off in the collections of Westland Row, for he knew that the priests needed the money very much to pay for the new decorations, and to help them he wrote an article in the Independent praising the new blue ceiling, which seemed, so he wrote, a worthy canopy for the soaring strains of Palestrina.
Unfortunately rubbing salt into the wound, I said. A story that will amuse Dujardin and it will be great fun telling him in the shady garden at Fontainebleau how Edward, anxious to do something for his church, had succeeded in emptying two. All the way down the alleys he will wonder how Edward could have ever looked upon Palestrina's masses as religious music. The only music he will say, in which religious emotion transpires is plain-chant. Huysmans says that the Tantum Ergo or the Dies Irae, one or the other, reminds him of a soul being dragged out of purgatory, and it is possible that it does; but a plain-chant tune arranged in eight-part counterpoint cannot remind one of anything very terrible. Dujardin knows that Palestrina was a priest, and he will say: That fact deceived your friend, just as the fact of finding the Adeste Fideles among the plain-chant tunes deceived him. For of course I shall tell Dujardin that story too. It is too good to be missed. He is wonderful, Dujardin! I shall cry out in one of the sinuous alleys. There never was anybody like him! And I will tell him more soul-revealing anecdotes. I will say: Dujardin, listen. One evening he contended that the great duet at the end of Siegfried reminded him of mass by Palestrina. Dujardin will laugh, and, excited by his laughter, I will try to explain to him that what Edward sees is that Palestrina took a plain chant tune and gave fragments of it to the different voices, and in his mind these become confused with the motives of The Ring. You see, Dujardin, the essential always escapes him—the intention of the writer is hidden from him. I am beginning to understand your friend. He has, let us suppose, a musical ear that allows him to take pleasure in the music; but a musical ear will not help him to follow Wagner's idea—how, in a transport of sexual emotion, a young man and a young woman on a mountain-side awaken to the beauty of the life of the world. Dujardin's appreciations will provoke me, and I will say: Dujardin, you shouldn't be so appreciative. If I were telling you of a play I had written, it would be delightful to watch my idea dawning upon your consciousness; but I am telling you of a real man, and one that I shall never to able to get into literature. He will answer: We invent nothing; we can but perceive. And then, exhilarated, carried beyond myself, I will say: Dujardin, I will tell you something still more wonderful than the last gaffe. II gaffe dans les Quat'z Arts. He admires Ibsen, but you'd never guess the reason why—because he is very like Racine; both of them, he says, are classical writers. And do you know how he arrived at that point? Because nobody is killed on the stage in Racine or in Ibsen. He does not see that the intention of Racine is to represent men and women out of time and out of space, unconditioned by environment, and that the very first principle of Ibsen's art is the relation of his characters to their environment. In many passages he merely dramatises Darwin. There never was anybody so interesting as dear Edward, and there never will be anybody like him in literature ... I will explain why presently, but I must first tell you another anecdote. I went to see him one night, and he told me that the theme of the play he was writing was a man who had married a woman because he had lost faith in himself; the man did not know, however, that the woman had married him for the same reason, and the two of them were thinking—I have forgotten what they were thinking, but I remember Edward saying: I should like to suggest hopelessness. I urged many phrases, but he said: It isn't a phrase I want, but an actual thing. I was thinking of a broken anchor—that surely is a symbol of hopelessness. Yes, I said, no doubt, but how are you going to get a broken anchor into a drawing-room? I don't write about drawing-rooms. Well, living-rooms. It isn't likely that they would buy a broken anchor and put it up by the coal-scuttle.
There's that against it, he answered. If you could suggest anything better—What do you think of a library in which there is nothing but unacted plays? The characters could say, when there was nothing for them to do on the stage, that they were going to the library to read, and the library would have the advantage of reminding everybody of the garret in the Wild Duck. A very cruel answer, my friend, Dujardin will say, and I will tell him that I can't help seeing in Edward something beyond Shakespeare or Balzac. Now, tell me, which of these anecdotes I have told you is the most humorous? He will not answer my question, but a certain thoughtfulness will begin to settle in his face, and he will say: Everything with him is accidental, and when his memory fails him he falls into another mistake, and he amuses you because it is impossible for you to anticipate his next mistake. You know there is going to be one; there must be one, for he sees things separately rather than relatively. I am beginning to understand your friend.
You are, you are; you are doing splendidly. But you haven't told me, Dujardin, which anecdote you prefer. Stay, there is another one. Perhaps this one will help you to a still better understanding. When he brought The Heather Field and Yeats's play The Countess Cathleen to Dublin for performance, a great trouble of conscience awakened suddenly in him, and a few days before the performance he went to a theologian to ask him if The Countess Cathleen were a heretical work, and, if it were would Almighty God hold him responsible for the performance? But he couldn't withdraw Yeats's play without withdrawing his own, and it appears that he breathed a sigh of relief when a common friend referred the whole matter to two other theologians, and as these gave their consent Edward allowed the plays to go on; but Cardinal Logue intervened, and wrote a letter to the papers to say that the play seemed to him unfit for Catholic ears, and Edward would have withdrawn the plays if the Cardinal hadn't admitted in his letter that he had judged the play by certain extracts only.
He wishes to act rightly, but has little faith in himself; and what makes him so amusing is that he needs advice in aesthetics as well as in morals. We are, I said, Dujardin, at the roots of conscience. And I began to ponder the question what would happen to Edward if we lived in a world in which aesthetics ruled: I should be where Bishop Healy is, and he would be a thin, small voice crying in the wilderness—an amusing subject of meditation, from which I awoke suddenly.
I wonder how Dujardin is getting on with his Biblical studies? Last year he was calling into question the authorship of the Romans—a most eccentric view; and, remembering how weakly I had answered him, I took the Bible from the table and began to read the Epistle with a view to furnishing myself with arguments wherewith to confute him. My Bible opened at the ninth chapter, and I said: Why, here is the authority for the Countess Cathleen's sacrifice which Edward's theologian deemed untheological. It will be great fun to poke Edward up with St Paul, and on my way to Lincoln Place I thought how I might lead the conversation to The Countess Cathleen.
📷
A few minutes afterwards a light appeared on the staircase and the door slowly opened.
Come in, Siegfried, though you were off the key.
Well, my dear friend, it is a difficult matter to whistle above two trams passing simultaneously and six people jabbering round a public-house, to say nothing of a jarvey or two, and you perhaps dozing in your armchair, as your habit often is. You won't open to anything else except a motive from The Ring; and I stumbled up the stairs in front of Edward, who followed with a candle.
Wait a moment; let me go first and I'll turn up the gas.
You aren't sitting in the dark, are you?
No, but I read better by candle-light, and he blew out the candles in the tin candelabrum that he had made for himself. He is original even in his candelabrum; no one before him had ever thought of a caridelabrum in tin, and I fell to admiring his appearance more carefully than perhaps I had ever done before, so monumental did he seem lying on the little sofa sheltered from daughts by a screen, a shawl about his shoulders. His churchwarden was drawing famously, and I noticed his great square hands with strong fingers and square nails pared closely away, and as heretofore I admired the curve of the great belly, the thickness of the thighs, the length and breadth and the width of his foot hanging over the edge of the sofa, the apoplectic neck falling into great rolls of flesh, the humid eyes, the skull covered with short stubbly hair. I looked round the rooms and they seemed part of himself: the old green wallpaper on which he pins reproductions of the Italian masters. And I longed to peep once more into the bare bedroom into which he goes to fetch bottles of Apollinaris. Always original! Is there another man in this world whose income is two thousand a year, and who sleeps in a bare bedroom, without dressing-room, or bathroom, or servant in the house to brush his clothes, and who has to go to the baker's for his breakfast?
We had been talking for some time of the Gaelic League, and from Hyde it was easy to pass to Yeats and his plays.
His best play is The Countess Cathleen.
The Countess Cathleen is only a sketch.
But what I never could understand, Edward, was why you and the Cardinal could have had any doubts as to the orthodoxy of The Countess Cathleen.
What, a woman that sells her own soul in order to save the souls of others!
I suppose your theologian objected—
Of course he objected.
He cannot have read St Paul.
What do you mean?
He can't have read St Paul, or else he is prepared to throw over St Paul.
Mon ami Moore, mon ami Moore.
The supernatural idealism of a man who would sell his soul to save the souls of others fills me with awe.
But it wasn't a man; it was the Countess Cathleen, and women are never idealists.
Not the saints?
His face grew solemn at once.
If you give me the Epistles I will read the passage to you. And it was great fun to go to the bookshelves and read: I say the truth in Christ, I lie not, my conscience also bearing me witness in the Holy Ghost, that I have great heaviness and continual sorrow in my heart. For I could wish that myself were accursed from Christ for my brethren, my kinsmen according to the flesh.
Edward's face grew more and more solemn, and I wondered of what he was thinking.
Paul is a very difficult and a very obscure writer, and I think the Church is quite right not to encourage the reading of the Epistles, especially without comments.
Then you do think there is something in the passage I have read?
After looking down his dignified nose for a long time, he said:
Of course, the Church has an explanation. All the same, it's very odd that St Paul should have said such a thing—very odd.
There is no doubt that I owe a great deal of my happiness to Edward; all my life long he has been exquisite entertainment. And I fell to thinking that Nature was very cruel to have led me, like Moses, within sight of the Promised Land. A story would be necessary to bring Edward into literature, and it would be impossible to devise an action of which he should be a part. The sex of a woman is odious to him, and a man with two thousand a year does not rob nor steal, and he is so uninterested in his fellow-men that he has never an ill word to say about anybody. John Eglinton is a little thing; AE is a soul that few will understand; but Edward is universal—more universal than Yeats, than myself, than any of us, but for lack of a story I shall not be able to give him the immortality in literature which he seeks in sacraments. Shakespeare always took his stories from some other people. Turgenev's portrait of him would be thin, poor, and evasive, and Balzac would give us the portrait of a mere fool. And Edward is not a fool. As I understand him he is a temperament without a rudder; all he has to rely upon is his memory, which isn't a very good one, and so he tumbles from one mistake into another. My God! it is a terrible thing to happen to one, to understand a man better than he understands himself, and to be powerless to help him. If I had been able to undo his faith I should have raised him to the level of Sir Horace Plunkett, but he resisted me; and perhaps he did well, for he came into the world seeing things separately rather than relatively, and had to be a Catholic. He is a born Catholic, and I remembered one of his confessions—a partial confession, but a confession: If you had been brought up as strictly as I have been—I don't think he ever finished the sentence; he often leaves sentences unfinished, as if he fears to think things out. The end of the sentence should run: You would not dare to think independently. He thinks that his severe bringing-up has robbed him of something. But the prisoner ends by liking his prison-house, and on another occasion he said: If it hadn't been for the Church, I don't know what would have happened to me.
My thoughts stopped, and when I awoke I was thinking of Hughes. Perhaps the link between Hughes and Edward was Loughrea Cathedral. He had shown me a photograph of some saints modelled by Hughes. Hughes is away in Paris, I said, modelling saints for Loughrea Cathedral. The last time I saw him was at Walter Osborne's funeral, and Walter's death set me thinking of the woman I had lost, and little by little all she had told me about herself floated up in my mind like something that I had read. I had never seen her father nor the Putney villa in which she had been brought up, but she had made me familiar with both through her pleasant mode of conversation, which was never to describe anything, but just to talk about things, dropping phrases here and there, and the phrases she dropped were so well chosen that the comfort of the villa, its pompous meals and numerous servants, its gardens and greenhouses, with stables and coach-house just behind, are as well known to me as the house that I am living in, better known in a way, for I see it through the eyes of the imagination ... clearer eyes than the physical eyes.
It does not seem to me that any one was ever more conscious of whence she had come and of what she had been; she seemed to be able to see herself as a child again, and to describe her childhood with her brother (they were nearly the same age) in the villa and in the villa's garden. I seemed to see them always as two rather staid children who were being constantly dressed by diligent nurses and taken out for long drives in the family carriage. They did not like these drives and used to hide in the garden; but their governess was sent to fetch them, and they were brought back. Her father did not like to have the horses kept waiting, and one day as Stella stood with him in the passage, she saw her mother come out of her bedroom beautifully dressed. Her father whispered something in his wife's ear, and he followed her into her bedroom. Stella remembered how the door closed behind them. In my telling, the incident seems to lose some of its point, but in Stella's relation it seemed to put her father and his wife before me and so clearly that I could not help asking her what answer her father would make were she to tell him that she had a lover. A smile hovered in her grave face. He would look embarrassed, she said, and wonder why I should have told him such a thing, and then I think he would go to the greenhouse, and when he returned he would talk to me about something quite different. I don't think that Stella ever told me about the people that came to their house, but people must have come to it, and as an example of how a few words can convey an environment I will quote her: I always wanted to talk about Rossetti, she said, and these seven words seem to me to tell better than any description the life of a girl living with a formal father in a Putney villa, longing for something, not knowing exactly what, and anxious to get away from home.... I think she told me she was eighteen or nineteen and had started painting before she met Florence at the house of one of her father's friends; a somewhat sore point this meeting was, for Florence was looked upon by Stella's father as something of a Bohemian. She was a painter, and knew all the Art classes and the fees that had to be paid, and led Stella into the world of studios and models and girl friends. She knew how to find studios and could plan out a journey abroad. Stella's imagination was captured, and even if her father had tried to offer opposition to her leaving home he could not have prevented her, for she was an heiress (her mother was dead and had left her a considerable income); but he did not try, and the two girls set up house together in Chelsea; they travelled in Italy and Spain; they had a cottage in the country; they painted pictures and exhibited their pictures in the same exhibitions; they gave dances in their studios and were attracted by this young man and the other; but Stella did not give herself to any one, because, as she admitted to me, she was afraid that a lover would interrupt the devotion which she intended to give to Art. But life is forever casting itself into new shapes and forms, and no sooner had she begun to express herself in Art than she met me. I was about to go to Ireland to preach a new gospel, and must have seemed a very impulsive and fantastic person to her, but were not impulsiveness and fantasy just the qualities that would appeal to her? And were not gravity and good sense the qualities that would appeal to me, determined as I was then to indulge myself in a little madness?
I could not have chosen a saner companion than Stella; my instinct had led me to her; but because one man's instinct is a little more clear than another's, it does not follow that he has called reason to his aid. It must be remembered always that the art of painting is as inveterate in me as the art of writing, and that I am never altogether myself when far away from the smell of oil paint. Stella could talk to one about painting, and all through that wonderful summer described in Salve our talk flowed on as delightfully as a breeze in Maytime, and as irresponsible, flashing thoughts going by and avowals perfumed with memories. Only in her garden did conversation fail us, for in her garden Stella could think only of her flowers, and it seemed an indiscretion to follow her as she went through the twilight gathering dead blooms or freeing plants from noxious insects. But she would have had me follow her, and I think was always a little grieved that I wasn't as interested in her garden as I was in her painting; and my absent-mindedness when I followed her often vexed her and my mistakes distressed her.
You are interested, she said, only in what I say about flowers and not in the flowers themselves. You like to hear me tell about Miss —— whose business in life is to grow carnations, because you already see her, dimly, perhaps, but still you see her in a story. Forget her and look at this Miss Shifner!
Yes, it is beautiful, but we can only admire the flowers that we notice when we are children, I answered. Dahlias, china roses, red and yellow tulips, tawny wallflowers, purple pansies, are never long out of my thoughts, and all the wonderful varieties of the iris, the beautiful blue satin and the cream, some shining like porcelain, even the common iris that grows about the moat.
But there were carnations in your mother's garden?
Yes, and I remember seeing them being tied with bass. But what did you say yesterday about carnations? That they were the—
She laughed and would not tell me, and when the twilight stooped over the high trees and the bats flitted and the garden was silent except when a fish leaped, I begged her to come away to the wild growths that I loved better than the flowers.
But the mallow and willow-weed are the only two that you recognise. How many times have I told you the difference between self-heal and tufted vetch?
I like cow parsley and wild hyacinths and—
You have forgotten the name. As well speak of a woman that you loved but whose name you had forgotten.
Well, if I have, I love trees better than you do, Stella. You pass under a fir unstirred by the mystery of its branches, and I wonder at you, for I am a tree worshipper, even as my ancestors, and am moved as they were by the dizzy height of a great silver fir. You like to paint trees, and I should like to paint flowers if I could paint; there we are set forth, you and I.
I have told in Salve that in Rathfarnham she found many motives for painting; the shape of the land and the spire above the straggling village appealed to me, but she was not altogether herself in these pictures. She would have liked the village away, for man and his dwellings did not form part of her conception of a landscape; large trees and a flight of clouds above the trees were her selection, and the almost unconscious life of kine wandering or sheep seeking the shelter of a tree.
Stella was a good walker, and we followed the long road leading from Rathfarnham up the hills, stopping to admire the long plain which we could see through the comely trees shooting out of the shelving hillside.
If I have beguiled you into a country where there are no artists and few men of letters, you can't say that I have not shown you comely trees. And now if you can walk two miles farther up this steep road I will show you a lovely prospect.
And I enjoyed her grave admiration of the old Queen Anne dwelling-house, its rough masonry, the yew hedges, the path along the hillside leading to the Druid altar and the coast-line sweeping in beautiful curves, but she did not like to hear me say that the drawing of the shore reminded her of Corot.
It is a sad affectation, she said, to speak of Nature reminding one of pictures.
Well, the outlines of Howth are beautiful, I answered, and the haze is incomparable. I should like to have spoken about a piece of sculpture, but for your sake, Stella, I refrain.
She was interested in things rather than ideas, and I remember her saying to me that things interest us only because we know that they are always slipping from us. A strange thing for a woman to say to her lover. She noticed all the changes of the seasons and loved them, and taught me to love them. She brought a lamb back from Rathfarnham, a poor forlorn thing that had run bleating so pitifully across the windy field that she had asked the shepherd where the ewe was, and he had answered that she had been killed overnight by a golf-ball. The lamb will be dead before morning, he added. And it was that March that the donkey produced a foal, a poor ragged thing that did not look as if it ever could be larger than a goat, but the donkey loved her foal.
Do you know the names of those two birds flying up and down the river?
They look to me like two large wrens with white waistcoats.
They are water-ouzels, she said.
The birds flew with rapid strokes of the wings, like kingfishers, alighting constantly on the river, on large mossy stones, and though we saw them plunge into the water, it was not to swim, but to run along the bottom in search of worms.
But do worms live under water?
The rooks were building, and a little while after a great scuffling was heard in one of the chimneys and a young jackdaw came down and soon became tamer than any bird I had ever seen, tamer than a parrot, and at the end of May the corncrake called from the meadow that summer had come again, and the kine wandered in deeper and deeper and deeper herbage. The days seemed never to end, and looking through the branches of the chestnut in which the fruit had not begun to show, we caught sight of a strange spectacle. Stella said, A lunar rainbow, and I wondered, never having heard of or seen such a thing before.
I shall never forget that rainbow, Stella, and am glad that we saw it together.
In every love story lovers reprove each other for lack of affection, and Stella had often sent me angry letters which caused me many heart-burnings and brought me out to her; in the garden there were reconciliations, we picked up the thread again, and the summer had passed before the reason of these quarrels became clear to me. One September evening Stella said she would accompany me to the gate, and we had not gone very far before I began to notice that she was quarrelling with me. She spoke of the loneliness of the Moat House, and I had answered that she had not been alone two evenings that week. She admitted my devotion. And if you admit that there has been no neglect—
She would not tell me, but there was something she was not satisfied with, and before we reached the end of the avenue she said, I don't think I can tell you. But on being pressed she said:
Well, you don't make love to me often enough.
And full of apologies I answered, Let me go back.
No, I can't have you back now, not after having spoken like that.
But she yielded to my invitation, and we returned to the house, and next morning I went back to Dublin a little dazed, a little shaken.
A few days after she went away to Italy to spend the winter and wrote me long letters, interesting me in herself, in the villagers, in the walks and the things that she saw in her walks, setting me sighing that she was away from me, or that I was not with her. And going to the window I would stand for a long time watching the hawthorns in their bleak wintry discontent, thinking how the sunlight fell into the Italian gardens, and caught the corner of the ruin she was sketching; and I let my fancy stray for a time unchecked. It would be wonderful to be in Italy with her, but—
I turned from the window suspicious, for there was a feeling at the back of my mind that with her return an anxiety would come into my life that I would willingly be without. She had told me she had refrained from a lover because she wished to keep all herself for her painting, and now she had taken to herself a lover. She was twenty years younger than I was, and at forty-six or thereabouts one begins to feel that one's time for love is over; one is consultant rather than practitioner. But it was impossible to dismiss the subject with a jest, and I found myself face to face with the question—If these twenty years were removed, would things be different? It seemed to me that the difficulty that had arisen would have been the same earlier in my life as it was now, and returning to the window I watched the hawthorns blowing under the cold grey Dublin sky.
The problem is set, I said, for the married, and every couple has to solve it in one way or another, but they have to solve it; they have to come to terms with love, especially the man, for whom it is a question of life and death. But how do they come to terms? And I thought of the different married people I knew. Which would be most likely to advise me—the man or the woman? It would be no use to seek advice; every case is different, I said. If anybody were to advise me it would be the man, for the problem is not so difficult for a woman. She can escape from love more easily than her lover or her husband; she can plead, and her many pleadings were considered, one by one, and how in married life the solution that seems to lovers so difficult is solved by marriage itself, by propinquity. But not always, not always. The question is one of extraordinary interest and importance; more marriages come to shipwreck, I am convinced, on this very question than upon any other. In the divorce cases published we read of incompatibility of temper and lack of mutual tastes, mere euphemisms that deceive nobody. The image of a shipwreck rose up in me naturally. She will return, and like a ship our love for each other will be beaten on these rocks and broken. We shall not be able to get out to sea. She will return, and when she returns her temperament will have to be adjusted to mine, else she will lose me altogether, for men have died of love, though Shakespeare says they haven't. Manet and Daudet—both died of love; and the somewhat absurd spectacle of a lover waiting for his mistress to return, and yet dreading her returning, was constantly before me.
It often seemed to me that it was my own weakness that created our embarrassment. A stronger man would have been able to find a way out, but I am not one that can shape and mould another according to my desire; and when she returned from Italy I found myself more helpless than ever, and I remember, and with shame, how, to avoid being alone with her, I would run down the entire length of a train, avoiding the empty carriages, crying Not here, not here! at last opening the door of one occupied by three or four people, who all looked as if they were bound for a long journey. I remember, too, how about this time I came with friends to see Stella, whether by accident or design, frankly I know not; I only know that I brought many friends to see her, thinking they would interest her.
If you don't care to come to see me without a chaperon, I would rather you didn't come at all, she said, humiliating me very deeply.
It seemed to me, I answered, blushing, that you would like to see ——, and I mentioned the name of the man who had accompanied me.
If I am cross sometimes it is because I don't see enough of you.
It seems to me that it was then that the resolve hardened in my heart to become her friend ... if she would allow me to become her friend. But in what words should I frame my request and my apology? All the time our life was becoming less amiable, until one evening I nipped the quarrel that was beginning, stopping suddenly at the end of the avenue.
It is better that we should understand each other. The plain truth is that I must cease to be your lover unless my life is to be sacrificed.
Cease to be my lover!
That is impossible, but a change comes into every love story.
The explanation stuttered on. I remember her saying: I don't wish you to sacrifice your life. I have forgotten the end of her sentence. She drew her hand suddenly across her eyes. I will conquer this obsession.
A man would have whined and cried and besought and worried his mistress out of her wits. Women behave better than we; only once did her feelings overcome her. She spoke to me of the deception that life is. Again we were standing by the gate at the end of the chestnut avenue, and I remembered her telling me how a few years ago life had seemed to hold out its hands to her; her painting and her youth created her enjoyment.
But now life seems to have shrivelled up, she said; only a little dust is left.
Nothing is changed, so far as you and I are concerned. We see each other just the same.
I am no more to you than any other woman.
She went away again to Italy to paint and returned to Ireland, and one day she came to see me, and remained talking for an hour. I have no memory of what we said to each other, but a very clear memory of our walk through Dublin over Carlisle Bridge and along the quays. I had accompanied her as far as the Phoenix Park gates, and at the corner of the Conyngham Road, just as I was bidding her goodbye, she said:
I want to ask your advice on a matter of importance to me.
And to me, for what is important to you is equally important to me.
I am thinking, she said, of being married.
At the news it seems to me that I was unduly elated and tried to assume the interest that a friend should.

Lockdown was really hard for me. I want you to know that because I don't think it even crossed your mind to think about it. I went from being mentally exhausted to becoming downright incapable of a lot of things. This includes hanging out with you and the rest of you. It hurts most because even through lockdown I had to watch all of you sacrifice things for each other to be with each other and I was never considered in that. I was alone. And I came out of it all feeling even more alone.
The worst feeling in the world that will haunt me forever is watching you guys hang out with each other on my birthday while I was left alone and not even considered, was when a week after we all met up and you people spoke about how much of a good time ye all had and then turned to me and asked me what I did for it? Knowing full well what was up. Knowing full well that you all didn't invite me or even acknowledge me. Imagine being in a position where I'm confronted with that in a manner where I'm expected to just go along with your own bullshit and pretend for your own mental wellness that none of it even happened.
Then my mam died suddenly right in front of my eyes and to top it off I was diagnosed with something that really hampered my emotional well being even more. And I thought at least if I have my friends to comfort me and make me feel okay then I could live through it fine. But then you sat across from me in a room because you feared even being near me, alone with me and told me to my face that it was in fact the most disgusting thing in the world.
That's what I feel like now. The most disgusting person in the world. You never said sorry. You never said anything after. We're still playing your game of ignoring the horrible things you do and say or God forbid someone might see you for what you actually are.
This amongst soooo many other things you've done hurt me. And I'm still hurting.
But I'm writing this letter to you as something I'll never actually say to you in person. I've been going to therapy and I'm getting better. I realise through therapy that all is not as it seems. That you are in fact a narcissistic asshole and I have found the bravery within myself to finally admit to myself that I don't actually like you. I hate you and that's actually okay. It's okay not to like somebody, it does not make me horrible or crazy or any mental character assassination diagnosis you want to throw at me this week. It makes me human.
Im finally learning to understand myself but more importantly I'm finally learning to love myself ❤ When I get even better I'm going to find my own tribe who love me and want to be with me and value me as a human being. Im going to do it all on my own and when I do there won't even be a goodbye to you and I can't tell you how happy I am right now with that plan in mind. I can't wait to be set free of you all but especially you in particular.
So until then let's keep playing your games let's keep pretending your a nice person. And in the back of my mind, always, fuck you.

I (22f) have been living on my own since I was 17 and have struggled holding down a job for the last 5 years and am still in debt. I couldn't afford breakfast or lunch today and I won't tomorrow either.
The world is screwed and I have no money, I had to buy a cat just to have something to live for and I feed him rather than myself because I would have committed by now if I didn't have him.
Working 42hrs a week gave me lifelong neurological illness that the doctor said will never go away and all my symptoms are incurable. I am in pain every waking moment and I cannot work as much so I have LESS money than when I was forced to work that much.
And I have trauma coming out my fucking ears and I have been trying to get therapy for SIX YEARS. I am a survivor of horrible shit so every doctor says I'm too complicated for them and they keep making me wait. I have been dealing with being a survivor of in*est, trafficking and abuse since I was A TINY LITTLE BABY. But nobody wants to help me or my very likely DID that RUINS MY FUCKING LIFE
For my birthday in April I wanted to take the train to London, stay in a cheap hotel for a couple days and visit the free museums. It's nearly June and I still can't afford it. I cried thinking about how thats my "big" plan I'm looking forward to. Rich people have things like greece or spain and I can't even do my little London trip.
Life won't get better. The next person to say that to me is getting an earful.
I grew up with nothing and I'm going to keep having nothing until the day I die, and then there will be nothing waiting for me because life is one big SCAM that I fell for.

I currently have a 5 week old daughter and my ex partner keeps on getting in trouble with the law, he was arrested once whilst i was nearing the end of my pregnancy and social services became involved: he didn’t turn up when we had important plans to due to him using drugs the previous night so I ended things, that night he attempted suicide by crashing his car. The police were aware of this event and I had a phone call from social services. He is on the birth certificate and has been having supervised visits, however, he was arrested again on Wednesday night, he gave me a story that I’m sure is a lie. He was supposed to see our daughter again today but hasn’t turned up, I am expecting a call from social services as I’m sure they are aware of his recent arrest. What is my best action to take? I don’t want to get into any trouble for refusing him access to seeing her, however, he doesn’t turn up most of the time and I’m worried how this will effect her when she grows up. Also, I don’t want to be seen as irresponsible by allowing him to see her despite all contact being supervised by myself.

I don't have any adult family members or older friends to explain or teach things to me, I'm 17 turning 18 at the very end of the year. I feel ridiculously stupid, immature because trying to understand all this college, university, licences, jobs, registration, money, identification shit I don't understand any of it.
The only adult I have to teach me is my 64yr old guardian, she hasn't worked since her 20s due to being unable to and therefore being paid. Anything she's given me advice on, has ended up being outdated and corrected by friends my age. Admittedly, she's got a lot of abusive tendencies. My older brother, who is stuck in the same boat, listened to me about this. We both sorta said it feels like she doesn't us to be independent, and cuts us off from a lot of things or doesn't teach us.
In Australia, we get centrelink money from the government when unemployed to live off of. at 18, you get it directly to you. My guardian doesn't let us have it if we are still living with her.
I'm trying to do little things, teach myself how to cook properly which is so humiliating to type out but so much of my childhood was abuse and neglect. Then my upbringing with my guardian was therapy, and this overguarding.
I'm trying to understand things on my own through reading things about university, how to get my learners license sorted and then how to drive, how to just..know what car to buy.
but even reading these things, I can't wrap my head around it. I get stressed, my brain shuts off and I get nauseous. I feel stupid because I don't understand all of this, nobody is telling me how to do it, I don't have anyone to do so and I feel moronic nearly crying whenever my friends talk about future plans and how their parents are explaining things to them.
I am trying to get a job, and trying to give a good impression on interviews though I have severe anxiety and struggle socially still from how I was raised but it clearly isnt too well. I've been doing volunteer work to add to my resume, I can't seem to get employed still.
College is mandatory in my country & state unless in a fulltime job or apprenticeship, so it's my last year in college which I utterly fucked up. I was on and off meds last year with depression, this year dealing with insomnia but attending more. I didn't pass any of my courses last year, this year isn't looking so well.
How do I figure shit out on my own, how do I fucking do all this stuff to live normally. I feel like I'm suffocating and I need to do something to leave but I don't know how.