Kendall met gala 2020

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2023.05.28 14:27 No_Parfait7631 All graded cards $25 each

All graded cards $25 each
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2023.05.28 12:35 teamcrazymatt Defending the Draft 2023: New England Patriots

No one can ever predict a Bill Belichick draft.
When people start assuming he’ll act based on his stereotypes (first-round trade down, OL early, no early WRs, all Alabama players or small school guys or guys from Rutgers), he’ll do the opposite. When the consensus is that he’ll shift away from those stereotypes, he’ll lean right into them.
So in observing mock drafts, both full and team-centric, there was a lot of accord that he would follow those stereotypes. (Adam Korsak, both a punter and from Rutgers, was EVERYWHERE.)
But then the end of April came.
Before then, New England had suffered a 2022 season full of embarrassment, from Matt Patricia and Joe Judge’s ineptitude at running the offense to a team that seemed to find new ways to lose in humiliating fashion (a certain ill-fated lateral sequence peak among them). The Patriots went from their dynastic reign as a team which would trounce their opponents in laughers to the team that everyone pointed and laughed at. Mac Jones’ Patricia- and Judge-sparked regression along with impressive cameo appearances by ‘22 rookie Bailey Zappe split the fanbase into Mac and Zappe camps, with sports media fueling the flame by spreading or outright fabricating rumors of Belichick shopping Mac, rumors which lasted through the first day of the draft. It was an ugly season and an uglier start to the offseason.
The franchise clearly needed to make changes in 2023, and changes started near the top. Patricia and Judge lost their roles, the former joining the Eagles coaching staff and the latter moving to lead special teams, a necessary move as this Belichick-led squad had plummeted to the lowest-ranked third unit. (More on that later.) Patricia had filled the dual roles of de facto offensive coordinator and facto offensive line coach, and filled both roles with the acumen of me designing plays in Backyard Football 2002, except I could actually design plays that resulted in touchdowns. Judge had manned the quarterbacks room, and given that Daniel Jones finally broke out for the Giants once Judge had been booted from mentoring him, you can guess how that went for Mac and the Pats. In his new role in charge of special teams, he has already cost the team two OTAs and Bill Belichick $50,000 for an offseason meetings violation, and has elevated his 2022 title of Co-Most Hated Man in Foxboro to Single Most Hated Man in Foxboro.
Anyway, New England needed to fill their old roles, and brought in:
Bill O’Brien, Offensive Coordinator / Quarterbacks Coach A long-time friend of Belichick’s, O’Brien returns for his second stint as Pats OC, having dictated the offense in Rob Gronkowski’s record-setting 2011 season. Additionally, O’Brien comes by way of running the offense and the QB room at the University of Alabama, which spawned Mac Jones. Mac regressed in 2022 after an impressive 2021, but recall that 2022 was under the abysmal leadership of Patricia (calling his plays) and Judge (his direct coach), a situation in which no one could develop. By bringing in his old OC and QB coach, Mac has been put in the best possible position to develop in ‘23, a position which will much more clearly give fans a vision of his future as an NFL quarterback. (And the playcalling will be legitimate! It’s been but a year and we have already forgotten what creativity, route concepts, and misdirection have looked like!)
Adrian Klemm, Offensive Line Coach Belichick’s first draft pick after taking the helm in New England in 2000, Klemm has joined the team after coaching at Oregon last year. He comes with a strong reputation at that coaching position, having headed a Ducks O-line that allowed just five sacks in 2022. Last season, the Patriots saw a regression from their veterans on the line, most notably in Trent Brown’s newfound flag-happiness, and first-round rookie guard Cole Strange put forth a mixed performance. Bringing in an actual offensive line coach gives the team the best chance to fix any issues that showed in ‘22 and to develop their young linemen.
Of course, coaching was not the only issue last season, as New England was criticized for their lack of talent on the roster. Of New England’s high-cash free agent class of 2021, only edge rusher Matthew Judon shined in both his seasons in Foxboro: neither tight end Jonnu Smith nor wideout Nelson Agholor ever got off the ground, tight end Hunter Henry regressed after a solid ‘21, and wideout Kendrick Bourne found himself suddenly in Patricia’s doghouse and off the field. Moves needed to be made as the calendar turned to free agency.
Notable Departures
S Devin McCourty (retired) The most prominent departure from the ‘22 squad, McCourty is one of many who can be termed a quintessential Patriot. A first-round cornerback out of Rutgers in 2010, D-Mac made the switch to safety in 2012 and locked down the position for the next decade. When he was on the verge of leaving the team in free agency in 2015, even reaching out to Belichick to say goodbye, Belichick signed him to a top-valued safety contract and kept him in red, white, and blue. His leadership and personality made him a joy to watch on the field and off, his personality showing itself especially well recently through interactions with his twin brother Jason, who played alongside him for the Patriots from 2018 to ‘20. Statistically, D-Mac ends his career with 35 interceptions, one shy of the franchise record, and 4 touchdowns (two picks, a kickoff return, and a blocked field goal return). We miss him already.
P Jake Bailey (released; signed with Miami) What a drop. After an All-Pro season in 2020, Bailey signed a four-year extension in 2022 only to become the worst statistical punter in the league. After he was injured, the Patriots brought in Michael Palardy, who managed to be even worse (personally, I blame the team’s curse that comes with the jersey number 17). Neither punter remains with the team, Bailey joining an AFC East rival in the Dolphins and Palardy currently unsigned.
TE Jonnu Smith (traded to Atlanta) There is a strong case to be made that Smith is the worst free agency signing Belichick has made as Pats GM. In the two years since inking a 4-year, $50 million deal, Smith totaled just 55 catches for 539 yards and one touchdown, and a ‘22 restructure of his contract meant that Smith appeared to be a monetary albatross the Patriots would not be able to shake loose. What led to Atlanta agreeing to take on his whole contract, sending New England a seventh-round pick to get the player, I have no idea, but I think every Pats fan would agree that Smith didn’t work out in the least and a change was best for all sides.
WR Jakobi Meyers (signed with Las Vegas) Meyers’ departure was somewhat shocking, as the 2019 UDFA had worked his way up to the top of the Patriots’ wide receiver depth chart. More of a big slot guy than an outside #1, Meyers had a minor role in his rookie season and started 2020 at the bottom of the depth chart, but injuries to the players above him got him onto the field, and a 12-catch, 169-yard performance against the Jets that November meant he wasn’t leaving it anytime soon. While not possessing top-tier speed or explosiveness, Meyers was the team’s best route runner and separator, and his departure left another void that needed to be filled.
QB Brian Hoyer (released, signed with Las Vegas) Hoyer was third on the depth chart, Zappe having shown enough to take the #2 spot. While a fine veteran mentor, the Patriots chose to go a different direction with that third QB role.
WR Nelson Agholor (signed with Baltimore) Agholor was given a two-year contract in 2021 with the anticipation of his being the #1 receiver, something which did not happen due to his unreliable hands and separation abilities. For those two years and $22 million, Agholor produced 68 catches, 835 yards, and five touchdowns. Not worth it.
RB Damien Harris (signed with Buffalo) By far the most productive member of the Patriots’ atrocious 2019 draft class, Harris was good in New England but had been passed on the depth chart by sophomore Rhamondre Stevenson midway through 2022. Couple that with Belichick’s predilection to let running backs walk instead of giving them second contracts, sprinkle in a dash of two ‘22 draft picks (Pierre Strong Jr. and Kevin Harris) who will get more opportunities in 2023, top it off with the return of Ty Montgomery II from injured reserve, and it’s no surprise that Harris is no longer a Patriot.
T Isaiah Wynn (signed with Miami) Another former first-round pick, Wynn was all right as a left tackle though was criticized for frequent injury problems; with his fifth-year option picked up for ‘22, he was inexplicably switched to right tackle, where he was very bad. He never really earned the role of franchise tackle, so it was expected that the Patriots would let him walk.
But on the upside, the team now has:
WR JuJu Smith-Schuster (via Kansas City) After Meyers signed with the Raiders, the Patriots worked quickly to bring in his replacement in the slot. Smith-Schuster revived his career in Kansas City and is now in position to be a primary target for Mac for the next three seasons, possessing more explosiveness and speed than his predecessor. The biggest concern with JuJu is his durability, but I believe the Patriots have made preparations in the draft (spoiler) in case that becomes a significant problem. The fanbase is excited for Smith-Schuster on the field in Foxboro, and deservedly so.
RB James Robinson (via New York (the green side)) A one-time breakout UDFA in Jacksonville, Robinson’s role diminished with the rise of Travis Etienne Jr.; after being traded to the Jets, Robinson never got settled into a role. In New England, Robinson is likely first in line for the #2 RB spot behind Stevenson, an important role given that Stevenson’s overwork saw his productivity decline as last season came to an end. Robinson also possesses the pass-catching versatility that Belichick loves, a role Harris was never used in but Stevenson is, further suggesting he can have a significant spot on the field for the Pats.
TE Mike Gesicki (via Miami) As Smith never worked out as the co-#1 TE, here comes Gesicki. A pure pass catcher at the position, Gesicki has the size and hands to be a reliable target in the red zone, and should pair nicely with Henry for a potential TE-heavy formation as the team approaches the goal line.
T Riley Reiff (via Chicago) T Calvin Anderson (via Denver) While neither comes with the contract expectation of being a long-term solution at either tackle spot, the hope is that Reiff (expected to start at RT) will be an upgrade over Wynn, while Anderson serves as a reliable swing tackle who can start if needed.
LB Chris Board Jr. (via Detroit) Remember that awful special teams unit? Board is one of the NFL’s top special teamers, a player Belichick singled out when New England faced the Lions last year. It’s unsurprising he brought in such a veteran to help solidify the unit after… just all of last year.
QB Trace McSorley (via Arizona) By bringing in McSorley in Hoyer’s stead, the team is showing a bit of a shift in philosophy with how it is using its backup QB spots. Both Mac and Zappe are pocket passers; McSorley does most of his work outside the pocket and can run with regularity, a trend more common among top-level quarterbacks like Patrick Mahomes and Josh Allen. At minimum, he’s worth a camp spot, and that’s fine.
P Corliss Waitman (via Denver) Following the implosion of Bailey and Palardy at punter, the Patriots were on the verge of entering the draft with none on the roster. Waitman is a veteran addition there, but pretty much everyone expected New England to add a punter either as a draft pick or UDFA. (Another spoiler – my bad.)
After this free agency, many saw the Patriots as still having holes at the top of their depth chart at wideout, tackle, and cornerback. Tight end was also considered a need as New England, despite adding Gesicki to pair with Henry, does not have a tight end signed beyond 2023, entering the draft with only Matt Sokol and Scotty Washington behind their name duo.
Then they went on the clock, entering the draft with:
1-14 2-46 3-76 4-107 4-117 4-135 6-184 6-187 6-192 6-210 7-245
Here’s how it all went down.
Draft Picks
TRADE: 1-14 to PIT for 1-17 and 4-120 Although this trade was criticized for receiving too little back from Pittsburgh, it was not a major loss in capital according to the Rich Hill value chart (325 points to PIT, 320 to NE), and it came with enough high-level talent on the board that the Patriots were sure to get one of their targets. The way the board fell, fans most wanted Christian Gonzalez, Jaxon Smith-Njigba, Zay Flowers, or Broderick Jones; when the Steelers took Jones, it became clear that the Patriots were not interested in him (reports came out that the Patriots had not been interested in Jones at all due to coachability concerns), but they were sure to land an exciting player after moving down only three spots rather than the seven-plus many mockers had predicted. Additionally, the Steelers landing Jones appeared to knock the Jets’ war room for a loop (though later video has shown that the Jets were expecting the trade), and the only thing New England fans love more than a victory is an opportunity to screw over the Jets.
1-17: Christian Gonzalez, CB, Oregon The Patriots’ selection of Gonzalez received universal acclaim, and it’s easy to see why. Despite having strong CB depth, the Patriots lacked a true #1 corner; Gonzalez has the ability, length, and athleticism to be that from Day One. The first-round pick via Colorado and Oregon was widely projected as a top-10 selection, so for New England to land him at 17 is a tremendous coup. From his interviews and his play style, Gonzalez seems like a quiet guy off the field who wants to shut the opponent down when on the turf. He’ll be fun to watch.
2-46: Keion White, ED, Georgia Tech White is another player falling under the new Patriots draft umbrella under Belichick and Matt Groh: as athletic as can be. While he is raw, White has the athleticism to play three downs along the defensive line and the versatility to move inside when the situation calls for it. The Patriots thought so highly of him that he was a player they were considering drafting in the first round, even considering a move back into the last picks of the round to snag him, but landed him at 46 anyway. How much he will play as a rookie is uncertain as New England has a very good edge duo in Matthew Judon and Josh Uche, but even if White has to take a year to get acclimated to the NFL, that’s not unheard of in Foxboro and has produced success for highly-touted picks: neither Nate Solder (first round) nor Trey Flowers (fourth round) took on long-term starting roles as rookies (though Solder filled in at right tackle plenty), but were established starters in their second years. Similarly, Uche (second round) started off as an occasionally-used part of a pass rushing rotation before hitting double-digit sacks last year, his third season in the league. And if White earns significant playing time in 2023, all the better.
3-76: Marte Mapu, LB, Sacramento State* Here’s that small-school selection that detractors tend to point at regarding Belichick, but Mapu has elite potential. I got tipped off to Mapu late in the pre-draft cycle, and watching film of him I was reminded a lot of Kyle Dugger, another small-school Day 2 player who has turned into an excellent Patriot. Mapu is going to play linebacker, likely his best position, and fill the role of coverage ‘backer that New England has lacked for several seasons. He’s also athletic and scheme-versatile, having spent time at safety and linebacker while at Sacramento State, so he will be able to move around the defensive formation if the situation calls for it. Add to that his tackling, his closing speed, and his containment, and you’ve got yourself a potential stud.
4-107: Jake Andrews, C, Troy The Patriots need their future long-term center with David Andrews now 31 and having an injury history, and Jake Andrews (unrelated) is set up perfectly to be that guy. Andrews the Younger is built in the same mold as Andrews the Elder: both exited college as smaller in stature than other centers but able to get a push on defensive linemen from below, meaning Jake can easily learn specific bits of technique from David. While not expected to play the role immediately, [anagram: Ned Was a Jerk] is now in position to spend time behind [anagram: Swan Diver Dad], preparing himself to take over at center in the near future.
TRADE: 4-120 and 6-184 to NYJ for 4-112 4-112: Chad Ryland, K, Maryland This is not the first time Belichick has selected a kicker in the fourth round, selecting Stephen Gostkowski with pick 118 in 2006; with the Patriots in desperate need for a strong player at the position, moving up to make sure they could land him makes sense (especially with Jake Moody being selected by the 49ers at 3-99). And Ryland is what Nick Folk is not: a big-legged kicker with kickoff ability. Folk has been appreciated in New England for his accuracy, but his distance and accuracy notably declined in 2022, and when forced to kick off, his lack of touchback distance led to trouble, the Patriots surrendering a league-high three kick return touchdowns (including two in the season finale). It’s clear an upgrade at kicker was a requirement this offseason; with Moody gone, giving up a sixth to move up eight spots is absolutely fine. In doing so, New England has hopefully landed their kicker for the next decade.
4-117: Sidy Sow, G, Eastern Michigan At this point, it may be considered confusing for the Patriots to have drafted a left guard in Sow when last year’s first-round pick Cole Strange is entrenched there and Mike Onwenu mans right guard at an elite level, but Groh’s post-draft comments indicated the team would give Sow opportunities at left tackle as well. And not only does Sow have experience at left tackle, he has the size at 6’5” and 326 pounds. New England’s projected starting tackles are veterans Trent Brown and Riley Reiff, both of whom are over 30 and are in contract years; if Sow returns to the position, the former mauling EMU Eagle (heh, two birds) offensive lineman could ease the need at tackle for next offseason.
TRADE: 4-135 to LV for 5-144 and 6-214 5-144: Atonio Mafi, G, UCLA Another interior lineman? Yes. Mafi is a guard whom the Patriots worked with at the Shrine Bowl, and has the versatility to move between left and right guard. As the aforementioned Onwenu is in a contract year, Mafi has a clear path to a potential starting job in 2024, and the most important thing right now for the development of Mac Jones is keeping him upright. By selecting three offensive linemen – using a quarter of their 12 selections on the offensive trench – Belichick and Groh have signaled their intent to do just that. From all accounts, Mafi, who met with New England in a pre-draft visit, is thrilled to join the team; now it’s about proving it on the field.
6-187: Kayshon Boutte, WR, LSU Boutte is the epitome of a boom-or-bust prospect, his elite 2020 and ‘21 being overshadowed by a disappointing 2022 that dropped him from clear first-rounder to a middle-of-Day-3 selection. As a freshman and sophomore, Boutte looked to follow in the footsteps of highly-drafted LSU wideouts such as Odell Beckham Jr., Justin Jefferson, and JaMarr Chase, showing a complete package of agility, speed, and route running. Unfortunately, an injury plus conflicts with his new coach Brian Kelly led to underperformance, and a poor combine performance cemented his draft stock as having drastically fallen. But if he can get back to his earlier form, where his talent and athleticism led to a combined 83 receptions, 1244 yards, and 14 touchdowns in his first two college seasons, Boutte could become the steal of the draft.
6-192: Bryce Baringer, P, Michigan State While New England had signed Corliss Waitman so as to have a punter on the roster heading into the draft, none assumed he was the long-term answer; when the Patriots made Baringer the first punter taken in the 2023 draft, it became clear who was. A walk-on turned cut turned best punter in college football, Baringer has a booming leg that showed itself in an average punt length of 49.0 yards in ‘22; he also holds the Michigan State record for career punting average at 46.0 yards. As a bonus, he worked with Ryland at the Senior Bowl, so the two have already begun to develop chemistry in the holding game. As another bonus, he wore No. 99 in college, and that is awesome.
6-210: Demario Douglas, WR, Liberty When one imagines a typical Patriots slot receiver – small, shifty, and explosive with the ball in his hands – one might well be imagining Douglas. The five-foot-eight Liberty product can absolutely fly, moving all around the formation and catching balls at all levels of the field. New Englanders got a preview of what Douglas’ game might look like when rookie cornerback Marcus Jones began to take snaps on offense last year; Jones was often put in motion before the snap, worked out of the backfield, and assigned touches where his elusiveness was the spark to gain yards. Douglas has said he models his game after Jones, a claim that demonstrates itself when one views his collegiate tape. I had a third-round grade on Douglas, so the Patriots landing him at 210 is a thrill. (Even though the Giants took one of my draft crushes in Tre Hawkins III the pick before, for which I’m still irked.)
6-214: Ameer Speed, CB, Michigan State The unknown about Speed is whether he will develop on defense; that is not his skill at the moment. There are three things known: his size (6’3”, 210 lbs.), his speed (4.34s 40), and his special teams prowess. With longtime special teams captain Matthew Slater likely entering his last year, the Patriots need to develop a new crop of special teams standouts, long a hallmark of Belichick’s Patriots from the time of Larry Izzo. Last year’s UDFA Brenden Schooler looks like one of those players already; Speed will certainly be given every chance possible to be another.
7-245: Isaiah Bolden, CB, Jackson State More tall athletic cornerbacks! The only HBCU selection in the 2023 draft, Bolden is an incredible athlete who likely earned his way to a draft selection by lighting up his Pro Day. Though just a role player on defense, Bolden has developmental traits that any defensive coach would love, and has also been a top collegiate kick returner, leading all of college football in 2021 with a 36.9-yard average on kickoff returns. I don’t see the two late-round cornerback selections as “throw players on the field and see who sticks” à la the ill-fated dual tight end picks of Devin Asiasi and Dalton Keene in 2020’s third round, but selecting players who might have longer chances to succeed, but if they do succeed can truly shine.
Though Bolden was the last of the Patriots’ 2023 draft picks, that did not conclude their rookie class as the period of UDFA signings immediately began. The Patriots have had an undrafted rookie make the Week 1 roster every year since 2004; with just a four-man class this season, chances are slim. They’re not impossible – their only 2021 UDFA, kicker Quinn Nordin, made it – but they’re definitely slimmer. Here are the four who can continue that streak.
Undrafted Rookies
Malik Cunningham, QB, Louisville The most expensive ($200,000) and well-known of the quartet, Cunningham’s slight build and arm as a quarterback led to piles of speculation of his switching positions. However, he has started off his Patriots tenure as a quarterback in rookie minicamp, so he remains a quarterback until further notice. Throughout college, Cunningham’s most intriguing asset has been his supreme athleticism at the position, something which showed up in testing, and it remains to be seen how the Patriots will use that athleticism to help the team. (It may be a good while until outside sources get a look, as minicamp and OTAs have thus far been closed off to the media.)
Johnny Lumpkin, TE, Louisiana-Lafayette After foregoing using a selection on a tight end in a deep draft class (another Belichick trend), New England instead brought in Lumpkin, who projects as a blocking tight end in the NFL. This offsets the biggest negative, his age (he’ll be 26 to start the season), as the Patriots lack a true blocker at the position. Whether Lumpkin can take advantage of this path to a roster spot remains to be seen, but his road to making the team as an undrafted rookie seems easiest at the moment.
Jourdan Heilig, LB, Appalachian State Like Board and Speed, Heilig joins the Patriots as a special teams standout, playing minimal defense as a Mountaineer (three snaps in 2022) but standing out in college on the third unit (210 snaps in 2022). He’ll have a chance to follow in the path of Schooler as a UDFA who makes his mark as a core special teamer.
Justus Tavai, DL, San Diego State The middle of the Tavai brothers (older brother Jahlani is a Patriots linebacker, younger brother Jonah signed with Seattle as a UDFA), Justus played alongside Jonah on the Aztec defensive line in 2022. While Jonah put up eye-popping numbers with double-digit sacks, Justus was a steady contributor as well, putting up 3.5 sacks and intercepting a pass. Tavai is the ninth man on the Patriots’ defensive line right now, so he has a difficult path if he wants to make the team.
He’s not an undrafted rookie, but the Patriots have also brought in veteran free agent Anthony Firsker, TE to compete with Lumpkin, Sokol, and Washington for the third tight end spot, the roster spot opened with their losing reserve Raekwon McMillan, LB to a partially torn Achilles tendon.
Projected Offseason Depth Chart (italics = rookie, (in parentheses = exclusively or primarily a special teamer)) (Note: the Patriots assign temporary jersey numbers in the offseason starting with 50 based mainly on draft position.)
QB 10 Mac Jones 4 Bailey Zappe 19 Trace McSorley 64 Malik Cunningham
RB 38 Rhamondre Stevenson 3 James Robinson 14 Ty Montgomery II 35 Pierre Strong Jr. 36 Kevin Harris 42 J.J. Taylor
WR 1 DeVante Parker 7 JuJu Smith-Schuster 84 Kendrick Bourne 11 Tyquan Thornton 58 Kayshon Boutte 60 Demario Douglas 82 Tre Nixon (44 Raleigh Webb) (18 Matthew Slater)
TE 85 Hunter Henry 88 Mike Gesicki 86 Anthony Firsker 87 Matt Sokol 17 Scotty Washington 65 Johnny Lumpkin
T 77 Trent Brown 74 Riley Reiff 76 Calvin Anderson 75 Conor McDermott 64 Andrew Stueber
G 71 Mike Onwenu 69 Cole Strange 54 Sidy Sow 55 Atonio Mafi 63 Chasen Hines 62 Bill Murray
C 60 David Andrews 53 Jake Andrews 65 James Ferentz 66 Kody Russey
DL 90 Christian Barmore 92 Davon Godchaux 91 Deatrich Wise Jr. 93 Lawrence Guy Sr. 95 Daniel Ekuale 98 Carl Davis Jr. 96 Sam Roberts 70 Jeremiah Pharms Jr. 67 Justus Tavai
ED 9 Matthew Judon 55 Josh Uche 51 Keion White 58 Anfernee Jennings (97 DaMarcus Mitchell) 51 Ronnie Perkins
LB 8 Ja’Whaun Bentley 48 Jahlani Tavai 52 Marte Mapu 30 Mack Wilson Sr. (45 Chris Board Jr.) 43 Calvin Munson 59 Terez Hall 47 Olakunle Fatukasi (66 Jourdan Heilig)
CB 50 Christian Gonzalez 31 Jonathan Jones 13 Jack Jones 25 Marcus Jones 27 Myles Bryant (61 Ameer Speed) 63 Isaiah Bolden 37 Tae Hayes 26 Shaun Wade 34 Quandre Mosely 39 Rodney Randle Jr.
S 23 Kyle Dugger 5 Jabrill Peppers 2 Jalen Mills 21 Adrian Phillips 24 Joshuah Bledsoe (41 Brenden Schooler) (22 Cody Davis) 29 Brad Hawkins
K 62 Chad Ryland 6 Nick Folk
P 59 Bryce Baringer 15 Corliss Waitman
LS 49 Joe Cardona 46 Tucker Addington
Conclusion Is this a perfect Patriots team? No. There are still long-term holes at offensive tackle and tight end, and there is a question mark as to who can be that pass catcher whom defensive coordinators have to plan for, a player the team has lacked for several seasons.
But is this an exciting Patriots roster, a team who has a chance to exceed their middling projections and expectations, a team worth watching and cheering for? Absolutely. Belichick and company have stabilized the coaching staff; added explosive, athletic players at nearly every position; brought in a new crew of players to take over special teams; and begun their draft with three players who could not only start in the NFL but have the potential to star. I fully believe that this is not an 8-9 caliber team, even in an AFC East with three other teams that have added big name after big name.
As Bill Belichick might say, we’re on to 2023.
We’re on to victory.
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2023.05.28 12:19 iceyspicee I (25f) have a dark secret from my past that I swore to myself would never tell anyone including my current partner (24m) Have you had any dark secrets from your past you chose not to tell anyone, even your partner? I just wanted to know that it’s okay if I choose not to tell my partner about it.

I’ve been with my SO for a year now and 3 days ago, he sent me a video from fb about a guy breaking up with his gf for not telling about her past. The thing is, alam ng partner ko yung past ko but there’s one thing I haven’t told him yet and would never tell him and I swore to myself that I would never tell that darkest secret of mine. That happened in 2020, 2 years before I met him. For me, ayokong malaman nya iyon kasi sa totoo lang, hindi naman siya makakasama sa relationship namin, its just ayaw lang niyang may tinatago ako.. I feel guilty for not letting him know pero I know that not telling him would be better.. Ever since I met him, I have been fixing myself kasi I knew he’s the one I want to be with and I really think it’s better for him not knowing EVERYTHING about me, especially my dark past. Have you ever had a dark secret and swore to never tell it to anyone and take it to your grave?
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2023.05.28 11:59 Front-Initiative-894 HELP with Sp manifestation?

Little long. So bear with me please :)
Okay let me first tell you the story! So I like this guy so much! Haven't felt this ever! So we met through Bumble. Yes yes ik dating sites and all! Anyway, I only met him once in 2020 Dec. We slept together. Initially I had no intention of liking him. Cuz I already knew he's a fuckboi and I'm not looking for trouble. Also I'm not that kind of a person who falls easily for someone. So I definitely didn't like him because we slept together. After that he didn't take any effort to meet me. He always gives some reasons. But he always wants to talk to me and stay in touch. We constantly stay in touch. Also he likes to share things and hears me out whenever I need to talk & helps me out. No matter what whenever I needed him or whenever I was upset he was always there for me. Even though it was through texts. He's a distant, very emotional sensitive but a guarded person. Doesn't let anyone know him or get close to him. I'm so drawn to him & always think about him. I have never felt this kind of a rush towards any human being.
I was so confused so I asked the universe two times to give me a sign. That are we meant to be or will we get married. And I got both my signs the same day as yes
But there has been no improvement in my relationship with him. All we do is send reels and memes to eachother everyday. I am so confused right now I don't know what to do. I don't even know how he feels.
It would be great if someone can help me out.
submitted by Front-Initiative-894 to lawofattraction [link] [comments]

2023.05.28 11:50 Cornebidouille69 Ah bah si ça robe était iconique c'est vrai que ça méritais d'en faire un article ...

Ah bah si ça robe était iconique c'est vrai que ça méritais d'en faire un article ... submitted by Cornebidouille69 to rienabranler [link] [comments]

2023.05.28 10:37 subreddit_stats Subreddit Stats: SuccessionTV posts from 2023-05-24 to 2023-05-27 08:22 PDT

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  7. 2708 points, 1 submission: CyberMark_6421
    1. Just leaving it here the expression on Jess face when Ken puts on his glasses. (2708 points, 322 comments)
  8. 2488 points, 5 submissions: nightsreader
    1. in your headcanon, what are the darkest family secrets we will never hear about? (1688 points, 964 comments)
    2. How ironic that the PR leader is maybe the character with the fewest lines in the series. The most competent characters have the least screentime. (666 points, 95 comments)
    3. Am I the only one that believes that all four women were being genuine in their good intentions? (127 points, 16 comments)
    4. The writers don't get enough credit for staying true to the scene they wanted to film, even if bystanders heared and leaked the huge twist. (4 points, 4 comments)
    5. What's your genius idea for the very final scene and the credits of the series? (3 points, 2 comments)
  9. 2131 points, 2 submissions: CretaceousClock
    1. Is Kendall the only Roy who attempts small talk or connection with outsiders without belittling? (2014 points, 462 comments)
    2. Tom after the final episode: (117 points, 1 comment)
  10. 2124 points, 1 submission: Alternative-Ebb-6626
    1. Watching Mark Mylod’s Vanity Fair breakdown of S04E03 and just realized this (2124 points, 151 comments)
  11. 1853 points, 1 submission: decorativebathtowels
    1. S1:E1 foreshadowing for who will be CEO (1853 points, 134 comments)
  12. 1769 points, 1 submission: ScopGieb
    1. Logan’s Care for Kendall After the Waiter Makes More Sense Following Ewan’s Eulogy (1769 points, 148 comments)
  13. 1762 points, 1 submission: Heels1939
    1. I'm A Little Over Brian Cox (1762 points, 1176 comments)
  14. 1754 points, 2 submissions: potatofamine-carbomb
    1. Everybody is missing the point of Succession: it's not about who succeeds, it's about what the company name will be. Waystar Gojo? WayGo? GoRoyJo? GoWay JoStar? RoyCo LukasCo? (1736 points, 340 comments)
    2. You're in the last ~48 hours of your life without knowing how it ends (18 points, 4 comments)
  15. 1710 points, 1 submission: kandinsky3
    1. Hoping for a surprise boardroom appearance (1710 points, 131 comments)
  16. 1635 points, 4 submissions: tinypabitch
    1. Kidney chop! (1505 points, 60 comments)
    2. Just one more day and we'll never have it again (88 points, 7 comments)
    3. 2 days and then it ends forever (38 points, 2 comments)
    4. Let’s Pre-Grieve: A Succession Twitter Retrospective (4 points, 1 comment)
  17. 1600 points, 4 submissions: greatgak
    1. Saw this on Twitter and sums up precisely my thoughts about the finale (1053 points, 179 comments)
    2. First stills from 4.10 (481 points, 118 comments)
    3. “I’m the only one who’s allowed to be nasty to Frank.” (61 points, 5 comments)
    4. Out of curiosity: does anyone know which episodes the cast submitted for the 2020 Emmys? (5 points, 16 comments)
  18. 1592 points, 2 submissions: purelander108
    1. . (1540 points, 76 comments)
    2. Has anybody made accurate predictions after four seasons? No. Expect the unexpected. (52 points, 17 comments)
  19. 1481 points, 1 submission: whatonearth6421
    1. “The Bad Roy Bunch” - as posted by the New Yorker today (1481 points, 83 comments)
  20. 1438 points, 3 submissions: Jacky__paper
    1. Anyone else devastated this guy never returned?? (1437 points, 170 comments)
    2. As someone who's favorite show is Succession, here is a list of the shows I've enjoyed the past few years + Please share yours! (1 point, 27 comments)
    3. What's more likely to come up in the series finale? (0 points, 10 comments)
  21. 1315 points, 1 submission: Ranjith_Unchained
    1. I really wish we could've seen more of this duo (1315 points, 92 comments)
  22. 1306 points, 1 submission: venom_2962
    1. What are your favorite/funniest moments of the show? (1306 points, 294 comments)
  23. 1297 points, 1 submission: cowcowfly
    1. Mood: (1297 points, 33 comments)
  24. 1274 points, 2 submissions: sp0ngeB0BS
    1. This is why she didn't wanna get pregnant. (1226 points, 383 comments)
    2. I mean, that has got to be THE way to do a reveal! (48 points, 6 comments)
  25. 1134 points, 1 submission: snooplasso
    1. People are really liking the sopranos ending for succession (1134 points, 162 comments)

Top Commenters

  1. greatgak (3815 points, 33 comments)
  2. Tough-Cabinet (3014 points, 3 comments)
  3. overlordbabyj (2990 points, 8 comments)
  4. GhostWithOpinions (2819 points, 46 comments)
  5. TheTruckWashChannel (2559 points, 68 comments)
  6. nightsreader (2474 points, 12 comments)
  7. tinypabitch (2369 points, 35 comments)
  8. wtfloridian (2151 points, 3 comments)
  9. Count-Chronic (2057 points, 3 comments)
  10. Cold_Breadfruit_9794 (1969 points, 105 comments)
  11. Money-Security-6821 (1942 points, 24 comments)
  12. Frog_butler (1923 points, 7 comments)
  13. EffloresceDeliquesce (1879 points, 12 comments)
  14. LatterligHoldning (1831 points, 5 comments)
  15. Defensoria (1784 points, 32 comments)
  16. dgplr (1774 points, 29 comments)
  17. Randonhead (1666 points, 16 comments)
  18. VicugnaAlpacos (1664 points, 2 comments)
  19. ProudScroll (1581 points, 5 comments)
  20. michelleann004 (1543 points, 17 comments)
  21. GiddyGabby (1425 points, 57 comments)
  22. wherearemysockz (1387 points, 18 comments)
  23. DangerMarbles (1377 points, 2 comments)
  24. gilgobeachslayer (1333 points, 5 comments)
  25. niccia (1333 points, 2 comments)
  26. CntFenring (1320 points, 1 comment)
  27. turtleboy95 (1303 points, 7 comments)
  28. LooseCannonFuzzyface (1297 points, 29 comments)
  29. Aware_Adhesiveness16 (1296 points, 3 comments)
  30. eygog (1292 points, 1 comment)
  31. Harlaw2871 (1211 points, 1 comment)
  32. chatmagique2 (1191 points, 5 comments)
  33. cbdart512 (1178 points, 13 comments)
  34. SpoilerThrowawae (1162 points, 19 comments)
  35. QuietRainyDay (1121 points, 16 comments)
  36. 80alleycats (1085 points, 35 comments)
  37. Mumz123987 (1058 points, 6 comments)
  38. EmBeezy (1043 points, 29 comments)
  39. TheJusticeAvenger (1034 points, 5 comments)
  40. Yakaddudssa (1027 points, 62 comments)
  41. jsh355zero (1019 points, 28 comments)
  42. Ok_Writer3660 (996 points, 24 comments)
  43. eugecart (988 points, 10 comments)
  44. itsmeherzegovina (985 points, 4 comments)
  45. Manwelio (982 points, 31 comments)
  46. wlcondqat (977 points, 7 comments)
  47. bodhii (956 points, 1 comment)
  48. kbrick1 (935 points, 43 comments)
  49. SilentSwine (927 points, 1 comment)
  50. harleyyquinade (923 points, 130 comments)

Top Submissions

  1. Whoever made this is a g to the enius by ellechi2019 (8266 points, 267 comments)
  2. I can't believe the writers would attack the fanbase in the penultimate episode after reading the discussions around the show by dont_quote_me_please (5135 points, 326 comments)
  3. Thanks Linda by Latter-Actuary9535 (4138 points, 178 comments)
  4. Just want to put this out there for all the people who are rooting for cousin greg to win. by iamstonedaf99 (3974 points, 441 comments)
  5. Series finale prediction vaulter guy comes back as a cannibal by femboymaxstirner (3883 points, 216 comments)
  6. I adored Natalie Gold's performance in this scene - sympathetic to Kendall while still being utterly exhausted with him by teenagegumshoe (3467 points, 364 comments)
  7. Just leaving it here the expression on Jess face when Ken puts on his glasses. by CyberMark_6421 (2708 points, 322 comments)
  8. Watching Mark Mylod’s Vanity Fair breakdown of S04E03 and just realized this by Alternative-Ebb-6626 (2124 points, 151 comments)
  9. Is Kendall the only Roy who attempts small talk or connection with outsiders without belittling? by CretaceousClock (2014 points, 462 comments)
  10. S1:E1 foreshadowing for who will be CEO by decorativebathtowels (1853 points, 134 comments)

Top Comments

  1. 3012 points: Tough-Cabinet's comment in I'm A Little Over Brian Cox
  2. 2848 points: overlordbabyj's comment in in your headcanon, what are the darkest family secrets we will never hear about?
  3. 2110 points: greatgak's comment in Succession - Series Finale Predictions Megathread
  4. 1900 points: Count-Chronic's comment in Watching Mark Mylod’s Vanity Fair breakdown of S04E03 and just realized this
  5. 1837 points: Frog_butler's comment in Succession - Series Finale Predictions Megathread
  6. 1822 points: LatterligHoldning's comment in in your headcanon, what are the darkest family secrets we will never hear about?
  7. 1817 points: nightsreader's comment in in your headcanon, what are the darkest family secrets we will never hear about?
  8. 1663 points: VicugnaAlpacos's comment in I'm A Little Over Brian Cox
  9. 1622 points: Money-Security-6821's comment in I can't believe the writers would attack the fanbase in the penultimate episode after reading the discussions around the show
  10. 1594 points: Defensoria's comment in As horrible as she is, Caroline did a nice thing for the wives and mistresses.
Generated with BBoe's Subreddit Stats
submitted by subreddit_stats to subreddit_stats [link] [comments]

2023.05.28 09:14 ninjamoves0808 to leave or not to leave

hi bromos, stuck and in need of advice.
i (31 f) met my partner (31 m) while working overseas thousands of kilometers away from home. He was born and raised here. we got married 2 years after in 2020 after a bit of a rollercoaster (in which I should have known not to end up with him I guess).
before getting married, I asked him to get an STI test as I was never sexually active, and he was (raw at times). he got super offended and ignored my request. I didn't think much of it. we got married and I lost my virginity to him. I felt excruciating pain having sex with him. I finally went to the gyno and did tests and low and behold I found out I had an STI. it was so upsetting. and he ruined my first sexual experience. I confronted him about this and he said "great, now you're gonna hold this against me for the rest of my life". no accountability, no remorse, no compassion for what I just had to go thru because his ego was to large to just do the damn test.
the medication/antibiotics I was given apparently helps with fertility as well and I was pregnant within 3 months of us getting married. I was mortified. and scared. and anxious. I told my husband and he was so supportive in the moment. later on the same day, he yelled at me for his car tire popping and was in a mood the whole night we were out.
my pregnancy was a disaster in terms of support from him. not understanding how to be patient with me. making me feel shit. he kept blaming work for being the culprit. didn't help me plan anything or buy anything for our son.
I gave birth via c-section during covid times and the country I'm in did not let anyone in the operating room except the mother and doctors. it was tough. while in the hospital recovering, my husband would sleep thru the night and have me wake up struggling to grab our baby if the nurses didn't answer in time. he'd wake up for a work call though. in the next month's I struggled waking him up at night to help me with our baby. I even ripped a stitch out because work was just being sooooo hard on him, poor guy /s.
whenever I speak to him about any sort of concerns or issues I have, he dismisses them and gaslights me for making a big deal out of nothing. he's emotionally abusive. and when I do finally break thru to him, he's so understanding and amazing for a total of maybe 1 week if I'm lucky. he tries to rebel against me as if I'm his mother. I'm sure he has me in the mother role since he is always thinking I'm "controlling him" by asking him how long he'll be out or where he's going.
parenting with him has only made me realize this is not the man I want. I had horrible postpartum anxiety and some depression and I had to pull thru because this man was sooo tweaked and removed from life. as though not really living. I kept begging him and asking him to go to therapy and if he doesn't go for himself let us go to couples therapy. he refused.
in August 2022 I gave an ultimatum. he finally saw a therapist. one that further advanced his ideas that I might be controlling. I was at my wits end. we finally saw a couples therapist. did about 3 sessions with him until I couldn't take it anymore. he's 2 different people. one in front of others, and one with me. everyone else gets his kind charming side, I get whatever's left over.
he does petty things and I know they're being done in petty ways - he gaslights and acts like he would NEVER do something like that.
apart from all of this, his mother is a witch to me. she has tried in many ways to ruin our relationship, and before we got married she pushed him into investing in a property in their home country to have a "family home" which caused a ton of money issues for us going into the marriage (a background to this story is his dad cheated on his mom and married his mistress when my s/o was 20 or so). his dad's mom was also horrible to her, so she's obviously paying it forward (lucky me). she came to stay with us for 2 weeks when I was 1 month postpartum and in that time she barged into my room unannounced, invited people over without consulting with me, and talked shit to my husband that I wasn't serving her guests while I was healing from my c-section.
I've asked him multiple times to have some boundaries with his mom, he hasn't listened. until his mom decided to come visit in Jan 2023 and all hell broke loose. she's now trying very subtle ways to ruin our relationship (what relationship you might ask lol).
I have so much resentment, this guy has left me high and dry so many times! he has resentment too but his shows way more than mine which has me thinking that I've never done anything remotely as bad to him as he has to me. I just don't want to be in this relationship anymore.
within the last 2 weeks (after I finally told him I'm leaving him for good) he started properly seeing a therapist. he's been trying to get me to go to the couple's therapist with him. he's cried and kissed my feet and said he's really gonna change this time. he's made a schedule to change his life and habits. but something is telling me it'll all just be temporary.
I just don't have it in me to care anymore. and I don't know if I should?
submitted by ninjamoves0808 to breakingmom [link] [comments]

2023.05.28 08:59 Shoddy-Echidna3000 Finally, some inner peace (not for trade)

Finally, some inner peace (not for trade) submitted by Shoddy-Echidna3000 to PokemonHome [link] [comments]

2023.05.28 07:15 According-Function-5 Have you ever met any of the girls or moms?

Being that I live near Pittsburgh, I met Holly at the Taylor Swift concert back in like 2016 maybe? The Red Tour.
I had just finished purchasing some food when I saw this really tall woman walking toward us and I was like mom! Oh my gosh that’s Holly! So we stopped her and thankfully she was nice and I got the chance to tell her that I’m so proud of Nia and I’m wishing her more success in the future, she was in a hurry to get back to her seat, but she said thank you and it was cool to meet her briefly.
And then I looked down and about two sections below me at the concert was Maddie and Nia and I think Kendall, it was the same day when they posted those pictures on Instagram backstage meeting Taylor!
Another time, my aunt sat down and talked to Holly for an hour at Kennywood in Pittsburgh! Kennywood is a really popular amusement park in Pitt, Chloe and Christi post pictures there almost every summer (I can’t believe I have yet to meet them and I live not far from them).
My aunt had no idea who Holly was until the end of their convo 😭
Has anybody else met any of the cast? Just in passing, or was it a schedule event?
submitted by According-Function-5 to dancemoms [link] [comments]

2023.05.28 06:34 bimbo_wannabe_ [I Accidentally Joined The Mafia In South Brooklyn] Chapter 5: The Dead Are Especially Nosy Down Here

[I Accidentally Joined The Mafia In South Brooklyn] Chapter 5: The Dead Are Especially Nosy Down Here
Previous Part:
These last few parts have taken a lot longer for me to write than I thought. A lot of shit has gone down in the last two months, and a lot of it, frankly, is kind of a blur. But I figure, if you've stuck with me this long, then you deserve to know how it all ended up so I'm going to try my best to remember every detail of what happened.
Me? I've spent every free hour I've had, just lying in bed. I've got a lot of healed wounds that still hurt me pretty damned badly.
Blood loss from multiple gunshot wounds and then drowning in the East River, dying and then being brought back while still human, incidentally, takes a lot out of a guy.
But… I'm getting way ahead of myself.
Where were we, again?
Oh yeah, that's right. The funeral without caskets, inside of a Ukrainian restaurant just off the boardwalk in Brighton Beach. That's where I left off at.
Antoni's corpse and I had spoken together for a while longer, about Beccs and their baby, actually, sitting there in the floor in front of the three empty bathroom stalls. The next moment, as usual, he was… just gone.
It took a while to slow the bleeding, and it took even longer to try and clean myself up with just hand soap and paper towels and the water from the sink. Nobody came into the bathroom again, and as I left, I saw why. There was a sign on the door that read 'Out of Order' with something printed below it in Cyrillic that I imagined probably said the same thing as the English.
My new winter coat had been left on the floor in front of the door and the Emergency Exit at the end of the hall had its alarm disabled and had been left propped open with a brick.
I took that as a clear message that they didn't want me rejoining the party, so I exited into the alley and sat on a milk crate chain-smoking until 2 PM when the funeral ended.
The weather app on my phone said it was 10 degrees outside, but oddly enough the cold air felt soothing on my bruised face. My eyes were nearly swollen shut, and every now and again I had to pull some of the toilet paper out that I'd stuffed in my pocket to wipe another trickle of blood from my nose when I sniffed a little too hard and moved the clots loose.
At 1:57, I started to hear people exiting the restaurant, so I moved onto the sidewalk to wait for Becca. The people leaving the funeral only glanced at me for a second and then looked away with a bored expression, like I wasn't even there. Finally, only Becca and Toni's immediate family were still inside.
Tatiana gave Becca a hug, Igor, a gentle handshake, and Antoni Sr. bent down, cupped his hands around Becca's face and pressed a chaste kiss to her forehead. I could see that his right hand was bandaged and he was holding it straighter than his left. Good. I hoped the fucker had broken it when he'd punched me in the jaw.
As Becca exited, I could tell she was angry even before she stomped over to me and shoved me three times in quick succession. Like Jimmy, Becca was a lot stronger than she looked, but now I knew why. I couldn't do much but ball up and take the hits.
"Where the fuck did you go? You just took off and left me there by myself. 'He wouldn't have left without saying goodbye if he had a choice.' You knew, you cocksucker, you knew, you knew he was dead!"
"Yeah, I knew! Antoni was in the news. But we gotta get the fuck out of here, Beccs, you're making a scene, another one, and I gotta get outta this neighborhood before something worse happens to me."
The high color of anger in her cheeks dropped away immediately into a pallid white. She'd been so pissed she'd never once registered the state of my face.
"Jesus Christ, Tony, what the fuck happened to you?"
"Your little Polish sausage's Daddy Dearest just beat the fuck out of me in the men's bathroom, that's what the fuck happened."
"Why would he do that?" Becca asked, but I didn't answer. She looked back to Skovorodka, following my gaze. Antoni Sr. was still standing there, just inside the front door, watching me with narrowed eyes, his hands folded neatly behind his back like a soldier at ease. It reminded me a lot of how Antoni used to stand while we were waiting for the train together.
"Fuck," she muttered, then "Shit," and grabbed me by the arm. "Come on."
"Why would he do that?" She asked me again as we climbed the stairs to the train platform.
"Antoni was Mob, Becca, Bratva. His whole goddamned family is. Him and his brothers and his father and his fucking Russian uncle, and I'd say your Mama Tatiana probably isn't in the dark about what her brother and her hubby and his sons do to make a living, either. I don't know why the Zabrowskas were on the Avenue, but suffice to say it was probably for nefarious reasons, and Jimmy found out about it and took care of business.
"Only I don't think he realized exactly who he was taking out at the time he did it, or else he never would have put the body in the River for somebody to find. And then the other three showed up to avenge their brother, only two of 'em never made it past Bianchi any farther than Antoni did."
"The fuck are you trying to say?" Her tone says she already understands just fine and doesn't want to.
"I'm saying your dear sweet Mamma killed your boyfriend, Becca. She removed all the identifying marks from his body, ate what she wanted, then pulled all his teeth out and chewed off his hands and his feet. They dumped the body in the East River and they found him about 5 days ago, floating off of Battery Park."
"Oh God. That's why. I asked Tatiana where Antoni was going to be buried and she told me in the public cemetery on Hart Island. They're not claiming the body because they don't wanna go to the cops. For the last week I been cussing him for everything he was worth, and he's been laying in the fucking morgue." She pressed her hand to her mouth, and I saw her bloodshot eyes filling with tears again.
"Please don't cry, Becca, cause I'm gonna start crying again and I've cried enough for today."
She sniffed back her tears and swallowed hard.
"But I don't understand, Tony, what the fuck does that have to do with you?"
"They knew, Beccs, they knew how the Zabrowskas died, who killed them, and they knew I helped Moretti get rid of the bodies afterwards. That's why Antoni's father went after me. The uh… the fucking Pakhan thought Jimmy sent me there to rub it in their faces that they weren't going to be able to bury any of their boys."
"How the fuck would they know that?" She barked at me.
"Somebody's feeding them information and not some asshole on the street, somebody from inside the Camorra."
"Who would do that?"
I saw her eyes darting about wildly as she tried to think of the answer to her own question.
"I don't know, uh, the driver that brought Moretti, he didn't look like he was too fond of Bianchi, maybe he's a fucking option."
"Frankie? I mean, him and Ma have never gotten along. He's never liked her and the feeling's mutual but… that doesn't make any sense, Frankie's always been loyal to the Camorra. Rossi always said he practically muttered the Omerta in his fucking sleep, that he was a soldato down to the bones."
"I have no idea, Becca, but it gets worse," I said quietly. If it didn't hurt so goddamned bad, I would've squeezed my eyes shut.
"How the fuck could it possibly get worse, Tony?"
"First you gotta promise you're not gonna hit me again."
Her hand balled into a fist, and I couldn't help but flinch.
"I'm gonna knock you the fuck out right now if you don't stop wasting my time, Cipriani."
"I sold her out, Becca. Bianchi. I told them where she lives and how to find her tonight."
"You what!?"
"I had to! He was gonna cut my fucking fingers off, and I don't know if he was going to take all four or just three but I wasn't about to fucking find out. I kind of need those fingers seeing as I'm a fucking southpaw!"
I held my left hand out to her, curled my fingers inward, but the third finger just… stayed straight. "Ah, fuck, I didn't even notice that."
"Jesus Christ, the tendon's been cut," she whispered, and when she pressed her hand to her mouth again she looked less like she was swallowing back tears and more like she was trying to swallow back vomit. I couldn't really blame her. I felt pretty nauseous myself.
"You know, I'm, I'm not worried about Ma," she said, finally. "It wouldn't be the first time somebody's tried to take her out. She's harder to kill than they think."
"Would, uh, would cutting her head off work? Cause if so I think they're already pretty aware of how to get the job done. They… they know Bianchi's not human, Becca."
Her face got paler, if that was even possible, and her eyes were the size of saucers.
"This is a goddamn nuclear disaster. Jesus fuck."
We stood the last few minutes waiting for the train in silence. As the doors slid shut and we sat down, Becca began laughing wildly.
"So you're in hysterics for real, huh?" I asked.
"You're gonna have to forgive me, I'm a little slow on the uptake today, but I just got it, Polish sausage… only, he wasn't little, you know, he was hung like a fucking horse, and it's a goddamn tragedy for women everywhere that the man isn't on this earth anymore. And he knew how to use it, too. Best sex I ever had in my life… only sex I ever had in my life, but that's not the fucking point." A short, barking sob tore out of her.
I groaned. "You know, that is way, way more information than I ever wanted to know about you and Antoni's sex life. You couldn't, uh, you couldn't let that one pass by, huh?"
"I never pass up the opportunity to make a good dick joke. And he had Good Dick."
I laughed and regretted it as it tightened muscles in my stomach that were still a little angry about being used as Antoni Sr's personal punching bag.
"Touché, Miss Rebecca, touché."
"The two-faced bastard, I gotta give the motherfucker that much, you know, it's a uniquely personal way to say Fuck You to the Underboss, getting his teenaged daughter pregnant. I am so, so goddamned tired of being a pawn in other people's games. He's lucky he's already dead or I'd kill the bitch myself," she whispered.
"It wasn't a game, Becca, what happened between you and Antoni," I whispered back. I knew because Antoni's corpse had told me as much. "Don't ask me how I know, cause I don't wanna talk about it, but it wasn't a game. You didn't know about him and he didn't know about you and it was a big, fucked up coincidence. You loved him, and he really, truly loved you... he worshiped the ground you walked on." Actually, he had said he worshiped the boots she walked in, but I figured it was a translation issue. "It was a regular old Romeo and Juliet: Brooklyn Edition."
She squeezed her eyes shut, snorted and at the same time choked on another sob.
"Yeah, but Romeo and Juliet ended in a double suicide, not a murder and a single mother." Her tiny hand went to her mouth again, and she wasn't able to hold back the tears this time. "I miss him, Tony, I miss him so fucking much."
"You know, Beccs, I miss him, too." I miss him when he was alive, not looking like a walking nightmare, and talking my goddamned ear off half the time, but I wasn't about to tell her that. "He was the first friend I made down here."
"It's fucking stupid. I still remember every single thing he said to me those first few times I met him."
"Odd as it is, I do too, Beccs. He was that kind of guy, I guess, he didn't have to work hard to make an impression on people. It was, uh, three days after I moved in, I think. I was in the basement, getting ready to do my laundry that morning, fighting with the stuck knob on that machine down at the end? And he walks in with his clothes basket balanced on his hip and reaches past me and just… turned the fucking thing, like it wasn't even stuck to begin with. 'It has an attitude, but it likes me,' he says, and I say, 'I can see that.'
"And he, he told me his name. 'Zabrowska,' he says, 'Antoni.' And I laughed and said, 'Nice to meet you, Toni, I'm Tony.' 'Really?' he says, and I say 'Yeah. Really. Antonio Alessio Gioele Cipriani, the third, if you please.'"
"Goddamn, that name is painfully Italian. No wonder you tell everybody 'Just call me Tony,'" Becca snorted.
"Thank you, Miss Rebecca, I can assure you I didn't pick it myself. But, 'Ah,' Toni says and kind of taps his hand in the center of his chest, 'Junior.' And I laughed again and said 'Our parents were goddamned creative when it came to the baby naming, right?' And he laughed, too, and shook my hand.
"And uh, a few days after that he showed up outside of my apartment and asked me if I wanted to go watch a game with him and his brothers at the sports bar down the street. It was Poland vs Korea. I still don't know shit about soccer, I've always been more of an American football kind of guy, but I did learn quite a few Polish swear words that day. Apparently they'd all bet money on the home team winning that game."
"I bet you did. Poland kept catching red cards that whole game. I bet on Korea, of course, and altogether I won 8 grand from four extremely pissed off Polish dudes when we stomped their ass all over the pitch. I had no idea how seriously the four of them took soccer. Antoni wouldn't even talk to me for three days. Probably didn't help I made an ass of myself laughing at all of them. Course, I woulda bet more if I'd known they were good for it. Dry cleaners, my ass," Becca spat.
"Well, in Antoni's defense, he probably did work at a dry cleaners like he told us, just like you work at a bodega, and Jimmy and me work at a restaurant, and Pops works at a hardware store. We all got day jobs. You know, I hate to bust your balls, Becca, but did it… never occur to you to ask Antoni if the tattoos meant something?"
"No," she said weakly. "I mean, I knew they were prison tats but Jesus Christ, half the people I know have been to prison. You've been to prison, half of my cousins have been to prison, hell, Pops has been to prison. You weren't here then, but all of 2016 to 2020 I was wearing a 'Free Rossi' t-shirt everyday, a lot of people in this neighborhood did. Ma got him off on the Murder 1 charges but numbers are numbers, and she couldn't get him out of the Tax Evasion. But I figured, if Antoni didn't wanna talk about it, then it was none of my business what had happened before we met each other."
She'd minded her own business a little too hard this time.
"What did you and Antoni talk about, Becca?"
"Everything! And anything, and nothing, all at the same time. He'd complain about living with his brothers, about Misiu always leaving hair all over the bathroom, and how Ciech always left sugar all over the kitchen counter after he made his coffee. And I'd complain about having to pick up all the empty bottles of makgeolli after my Dad in the morning. I'd help him wash all the dishes his dirty ass brothers would leave piled in the sink, and fold everybody's clothes.
"We got along well, me and Antoni, we were actually very compatible, we were both neat freaks when it came to our housekeeping. We even folded our towels the same way. And he'd bitch about how Igor could never balance the register correctly at the end of the day, and I'd bitch about how my Dad never checked our invoices correctly, and I was always having to cuss out the distribution reps for shorting us on our deliveries myself.
"And we'd watch TV together. He always made fun of me for the lame ass old Chuck Lorre sitcoms I loved to watch, and I'd make fun of him for all the stupid cop dramas he watched, every Law and Order known to man, and Blue Bloods and shit. We just… talked to each other, like we were two regular people, just living our lives. It was simple and it was easy, and it was enough, it was goddamned enough for me. Our relationship was the one normal thing I had going in my fucked up life."
She cracked at the end, sobbing brokenly. She turned her head to the side, pressed her face into my bicep as she wrapped both arms around mine. Tears filled my eyes, as well, and now I was wiping snot out of my nose as well as blood. I felt goddamned sorry for the kid, and I felt like she had a right to cry, but I had to distract her, for my own sake.
"So tell me, when was the first time you talked to Antoni? Was that the same day he asked you out?"
"No, there was some time between the two. He'd been there about a week, I guess, after they moved in. They got there back in like April. I'd fucked with him the first day, you know, asked him where the hell the accent came from, and he said Poland, and I told him welcome to America cause I felt like being a dick. And he said that he'd already been in country five years and I laughed at him and told him, goddamn, I couldn't tell cause he still sounded like he was fresh off the boat. And he got this look on his face, like he was trying to decide if he needed to be offended or not, so I told him I was just fucking with him, that he was doing better than my Mom, God rest her, cause it was seven years after she got here from Seoul before she even learned a word of English and my Dad was the one that had to teach her."
"Makes sense. I moved in in June, Toni mentioned he'd only been in the building about two months hisself."
She nodded, I could feel the movement in the sleeve of my coat where her cheek was pressed to my arm.
"Him and his brothers started coming in every day after that and you know, I kind of had my eye on him from the first time I talked to him. He was goddamn gorgeous, quite literally the walking definition of 'tall, dark, and handsome.' He had those incredibly blue eyes, and that fucking accent, man, shit put me in knots everytime he came in. I learned them all pretty quick, and Antoni was easy. He got the same thing everyday, box of Newport 100s and a pack of Russian Cream Backwoods with a large slushy. You know I gotta keep the cups behind the counter because motherfuckers'll fill it up and walk out when I get busy. I saw him when he came in, and went over to the ATM, so I had his shit sitting on the counter waiting for him."
Becca had a talent for memorizing all of the regular's orders, it wasn't unusual to see a long line of cigarettes, blunts, medicine, sometimes even crack pipes and Chore Boys, and anything else she kept behind the counter, set up neatly next to the register. She also had a talent for running both registers at the same time when the line got overly long and she was there alone. Sometimes I had no idea how she kept up with it all, but that was just Becca.
"And this drunk asshole came in, right after, he didn't even belong in the neighborhood, he stayed in Bed-Stuy, but he was with his cousin, and his cousin I knew and he was shooting me apologetic looks so I was already on guard. I was in a bad goddamn mood that day, anyway. And the drunk bitch, he walked over to the bathroom and tried to open it."
"Key's behind the counter," I said, and she nodded.
"And the key costs five dollars cause people make a fucking mess in the bathroom and I ain't cleaning that shit everyday for free. Well, drunk fuck got pissed and started talking a bunch of shit and threw his five dollars down on the counter, and you know, I can't stand that. You don't throw money at me, I ain't a goddamned stripper, you can put that shit in my hand or you can get the fuck out my store. And, I said 'Naw, son, for you it's gonna cost ten, five dollar Drunk Dick surcharge for being an asshole and cutting my line.' And the motherfucker… he called me a fucking stupid little bitch, and he told me people like me needed to be sent back to my own country."
I made a sound of disapproval, already seeing where this was headed.
"I hate that stupid shit. Where the fuck am I getting sent back to? The fucking hospital in Manhattan where I was born? Everybody in the store just kind of stopped and stood there, and dude's cousin? He just shook his head at me and walked right out the store and left him there."
"He wasn't gonna get involved, huh?" I asked.
"Fuck no. He wasn't stupid. I… uh, I was seeing red by that point so I balled up his money and I threw it across the store and told him to get the fuck out. I don't even remember half the shit I said to him, but I was yelling and he was yelling back and all of a sudden Antoni was… just there. I never even noticed him walking up. He was a big motherfucker, but goddamn he was quick and quiet when he wanted to be."
Becca laced her fingers through the fingers of my right hand and I gave them a squeeze as she readjusted her head against my shoulder. I turned mine to press a kiss to her hair. She was short enough that I didn't have to worry about bumping my nose. As I turned back, I noticed that there was a puddle of water on the seat across from us, and a pit formed in my stomach immediately. My face felt cold as the blood drained from it. The puddle of water made me more than just a little nervous to see it.
I had new enemies stacking up quick, and the last thing I needed was a pissed off, jealous ghost because his grieving fiancée was getting a little handsy with me. But… Antoni never showed himself, so I could only assume he approved of my offering her comfort in her time of need. Either that or he was waiting till I was alone to express his displeasure.
"'Is there a problem here?' was all he asked and the drunk bitch turned around and he got even more pissed. He goes 'Man, fuck you, white boy. Mind your own goddamned business.' And Antoni kind of got in his face, and goes, 'I have made it my business. She told you to leave. Either remove yourself or I will remove you.'
"And the liquor must've given him a bigger set of balls than he actually had, cause he took a swing at him. And Antoni, he just kind of… leaned back a little to avoid the swing and then leaned back in and… he knocked that bitch out cold with one punch. And then he picked him up, literally picked him up, and threw his ass out on the sidewalk, and kind of dusted his hands off afterwards."
"Well, if he's anything like his father then he could throw a hell of a right cross."
Becca laughed weakly.
"Yeah, his Dad boxes, they all did, you know, from when they were young. Antoni told me he got in his Dad's face once when he was about 16, and Old Papa Zabrowska coldcocked him in the kitchen, and when he woke up on the couch, his Dad dragged him out back in the alley and beat him bloody. Told him if his little grown ass thought he was a man, then he was grown enough to get his ass stomped like a man."
That made me feel a little better, to be honest. At least I wasn't the only one I knew who had caught an ass kicking from Antoni Sr.
"I bet he didn't talk shit to his Pops again after that, huh?"
"I asked him that exact question, he said 'Oh no, no, never again. I learned my lesson.' Toni and his brothers, though, were always getting in fights, even when I knew them. He told me it was hard on their Mama, back in Kraków, having four hormonal, teenaged boys with just shy of a year between each of them, you know cause… us fucking Roman Catholics ain't too fond of any method of contraception."
"I didn't know you was Catholic, too, B."
"Of course. Rossi is a devout Catholic, and that's how he raised me, and Nia, she's an Angel, you know, a Fallen One, that's what they call themselves, but she's even got real wings. A little more leathery and less feathery, but… same thing. She goes to Mass daily, turns out demons are actually very religious. Both of my parents were atheists, and that's how they raised me, but after some of the shit I've seen, you know, it ain't too unbelievable that there's a Big Guy upstairs."
She sniffed again, wiped at her nose and I offered her a bit of toilet paper from my pocket.
"That's how it all got started, the War in Heaven. God created Adam, the first living human body, and he told all the spirits in Heaven to kneel to him. And at least half of them weren't too fond of that idea, and the Morning Star stepped up as representative and said they wouldn't kneel to anyone but God. And they, uh, they lost the War, and He banished them all to Earth, to wander without bodies of their own while the other side got to come to Earth one at a time, to live their lives.
"But… then there was the first murder, Abel. Cain beat him to death with a rock, and the blood on the ground, the first human blood ever shed in violence, it called to God, but He wasn't the only one it called to. The blood, it gave him a way inside of a body. Lucifer. He was the First One. He's still here, you know, I've met him. He has a particular fondness for Nia, he calls her Young One, cause according to him 1607 wasn't all that long ago."
"I guess it isn't when you're that old."
"But, back to what I was saying about Toni, all of them were packed into one place together like fucking sardines, the four boys sharing one bedroom in a two bedroom apartment, and all having vastly different personalities. Tatiana is little, like me, and I don't imagine she could do much to break them up when they got to fighting about everything from who ate all the leftovers to who got the top bunks on the beds."
"Probably not," I answered.
"I mean, I could practically smell the testosterone in their fucking apartment whenever I walked in, and it was probably even worse back then. And apparently, that had been their Dad's method of keeping them from tearing up his wife's house all the time. Whenever a problem inevitably developed, he'd just take them down to the gym and throw them in the ring without any gloves and tell them to fucking handle it, and whoever was still standing at the end was the one that won the argument.
"Uh, but, uh, when Toni hit the guy, all, all I could do was stand there with my mouth hanging open like a fucking fish. I mean, I was in love, right that fucking second, standing there. The hormones were running on overdrive, my head was practically spinning with how fast all the blood rushed south, you know? Everybody was still standing there and Antoni tried to get back in line and I said, 'Uh-uh. Take your shit and go on.' And he goes," Beccs began laughing again, laughed so hard there were tears in her eyes once more.
"He goes, 'Am I in trouble?'''
I had to wrap my left arm tight around my stomach because I couldn't stop myself from laughing either. The makeshift bandage on my left hand that I'd wound out of paper towel had soaked through, I was going to have to change it soon.
"He didn't say that, Becca."
"Yes the fuck, he did. And I went, 'No, you dumbass, it's on the house, and in case I gotta translate, that means it's free. Small price to pay for a security detail.' And he just kind of blinked at me for a second, before he nodded his head and grabbed his things off the counter, went and filled his slushy up."
"You probably scared the piss out of him for that second, he probably thought he'd been found out. That's what they call it, what he was, Obshchak, Security Group."
"He stopped before he left, and told me thank you. And I said 'No, dziękuję', thank you. And then I winked at him and said 'Miłej nocy, piękna.'" She straightened up as the train began to slow for our stop.
"And what did that mean?"
"Have a good night, gorgeous." She said with a watery grin.
"Smooth, B, real smooth. Nothing quite like hitting on a man in his native language. "
"I mean, you know us, Tony, we got Southern Hospitality down here. As long as you're not an asshole, I do everything I can to make sure everyone feels welcome when they come inside. That's why there's a sign on the door that says 'DMZ.' They might have beef on the streets but don't nobody take that shit inside my store. And that means asking the Mexicans down the street if they need a bolsa, and making sure I ordered Farid's miswaks so he didn't have to walk all the way down to the Pakistani store, and sometimes it means learning a little bit of Polish so I could flirt with the new guy downstairs the next time he came in."
We exited the train, made the switch, and stood on the platform waiting for the next to take us back to Avenue U. As I glanced to the side, I could see a puddle forming on the platform next to me, drip by drip. It was already freezing around the edges. As it turned out, I wasn't the only nosy fuck around here.
"And apparently the flirting was well received by our dearly departed half-Russian friend."
"Apparently, cause about a week later I was having a busy fucking Friday night and my Dad had already gone home, and I was trying to shut her down but motherfuckers kept coming inside right up until 11. I made DeAndre from downstairs stand at the door and tell people we were closed and that he was the last customer for the night and after I rung him up I told him to flip the sign on the door and I'd lock it when I finished my cigarette count… only, I forgot to ever lock it, and DeDe's traitorous ass, he fucking set me up. He knew I had a thing for Antoni, and when he saw him coming down off the platform and rushing down the sidewalk, he let him in and told him he was the last customer for the night and to flip the sign on the door."
She closed her eyes for a moment.
"It took me… exactly 16 minutes to notice he was there. I know, cause after I was done pissing myself when I figured out I wasn't alone, the Polish smart-ass showed me his watch. He'd set a timer when he realized I wasn't paying any attention to him, and then just stood there, waiting to see how long it would take. I had my earphones in, and it took four songs," she held up her hand and ticked them off with her fingers. "'Savage Like', 'Money, Sex, Drugs', 'Proud' and 'Only.'
"I turned around and screamed like a little bitch when I saw him. And then I got pissed, cause I was embarrassed, I'd been singing along to all the songs cause I thought I was alone in the store. I started screaming at him. 'What the fuck, you can't read? The sign says Closed.' And he goes 'No, it didn't. It still said Open. I turned it myself.' I hadn't counted down my register yet, so I just went ahead and grabbed his shit and rung him up, cussing DeDe the whole time and I asked him how long he'd been standing there, and he showed me his watch. And he says, 'You shouldn't wear those, it's dangerous,' talking about my headphones, and I said, 'What are you, my fucking father?' And he got kind of a funny look on his face."
I released a weak snicker, holding my stomach tight again. I couldn't resist fucking with them both a little bit.
"He kinda had a point, Becca. Although, I can tell you he was probably less concerned about being your father and more concerned about becoming your Daddy."
"Oh, so now you got the dirty jokes," Becca said flatly.
"What can I say, B, you're a bad influence on me."
"Eh," she said after a moment, "You wouldn't be the first. You know, months later he told me that he'd stood there that long because he didn't think he'd have the nerve to ask what he wanted to ask the next time if he left, which, you know, what the fuck? What am I, scary?"
I couldn't help but laugh again.
"Yes, Becca, you are, you're fucking terrifying half the time. You might be a short fuck but dynamite comes in small packages, you know? He was probably afraid you'd tell him to suck your dick and ban him from the store for a month like every other poor motherfucker I've seen ask you out, and he probably didn't want to go through your particular brand of ridicule in front of an audience, on top of that, with all the other customers laughing him out of the store."
"It ain't my fault I'm this size," she said after a moment, shooting me a perturbed look.
"No shit, Sherlock. It's genetics."
"It ain't even that. It's the blood. I mean, my parents were both tall, you know, for Koreans, anyway, my Mom was 5'6. I probably would've been too if I'd had the chance, but, you know, the blood it… stops things. Why do you think Jimmy looks the way he does? I mean, Pops believes in 'aging gracefully,' as he says, but old Giacomino is a vain fuck, and he's got more of a taste for 'the Stuff' than Rocco ever had. He turned 65 this year, he's only two years younger than Pops, he was already 34 years old when he met Nia for the first time. He tells people he's got a good plastic surgeon, when they ask. And the same thing happened to me. My body wanted to stay 8 years old, forever.
"Rossi had to get hormones, fucking estrogen and progesterone and HGH, off the black market to force my body to start puberty and to fucking grow. It's not like we could go to a doctor and explain why I needed the prescription. I mean, these tits aren't even mine. Ma bought 'em for my sixteenth birthday so I wouldn't feel so goddamned self-conscious. Nia's not exactly flat-chested, as you know, neither was my Mom, and it kind of gave me a fucking complex when I was growing up."
"I mean, is she? I haven't really noticed," I replied, evasively.
"Yes, you have, you lying fuck. There isn't a straight or bisexual man, or a lesbian or bisexual woman for that matter, that comes within fifty feet of Appolonia Bianchi that doesn't notice all of her unnatural charms. It made for some interesting 'family' trips during the summer when we'd leave the city, lemme tell you. I asked Pops once, you know, if he ever got jealous when she'd show up with some random dick she'd run across, cause I used to think it was pretty shitty of her.
"I said she could've at least kept things on the downlow and not throw it in Rocco's face every few days. But he told me no, he loved her, he understood her nature very well and he'd accepted what she was years before I was even born, and that she loved him too, and more importantly, respected him. She always introduced the men to him because that was what he'd asked of her. That it was the one aspect of control he had in the situation, giving his 'permission' for her little liaisons. That it made him feel better to let them know they might be getting a piece, but she'd be ending every night lying in his bed, regardless of what they did."
I nodded. "I guess I can kind of see his point."
"But, the blood, that's how I ended up pregnant. I mean, I'm not a dumbass, I know how babies are made, but I wasn't worried about using condoms with Antoni, neither of us wanted to. I told him if he gave me anything I'd cut his dick off, and he knew I was serious, too, and he considered it a proportional response. I didn't even think I could get pregnant.
"I stopped the birth control when I was 16 because it was making me gain weight and my cheer coach bitched me out in front of fucking everybody, and Rossi's guy said I needed to keep taking it to keep my hormone levels even. So I told Antoni I didnt want to get into my medical history, but suffice to say I was probably fucking sterile anyway, so he didn't have to worry about it, and he told me he wasn't worried about it at all. But apparently my fucking parts work better than I thought."
"Or maybe he had some damned determined swimmers, who knows."
"I don't know why I was even concerned about not using condoms anyway. Technically we were all excommunicated as of 2014. Pope said the mafiosi lifestyle isn't compatible with the Catholic one. You know, I wonder how Antoni would feel about all this, I wonder if he'd be pissed, think I lied to him about not being able to get pregnant."
"You're just gonna have to take my word for it, B, but he's not angry in the least, he's pretty fucking proud of hisself." I'd say his chest was stuck out but he didn't have much of a chest left these days, so I just kept that part to myself. "Pretty sure he said he wasn't worried about it because he was hoping you were wrong about being sterile."
Beccs gave me a strange look but the train arrived at just that moment. The people exiting did quite a bit of staring, unlike the people leaving the funeral, but I just tucked my arm around Becca and shouldered my way past them and found us a seat. The drops of water followed us into the train.
"What's with the present tense, Tony? Is that some kind of cliche 'he's lookin' down on you' bullshit?"
I snorted and wiped the bubble of blood from my nose, staring at the puddle of water that was starting to form in the seat next to us. I could feel the cold emanating from Antoni all along my left side. Oddly enough, it was easing the intense ache in my nearly severed ring finger.
"He ain't looking down on us, B, I can tell you that much."
"So it's a Hell joke?"
"No, not really. But then again, I'm pretty sure we're all in Hell right this second, Miss Rebecca, so yes, yes it is."
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2023.05.28 06:19 HadoukenKitty How do you handle cancer from a distance?

Apologies ahead of time for any foul language in this post…I am absolutely distraught.
I want to go back to my home state to visit my grandpa who was just diagnosed with lung cancer, but my husband and I are closing on a house and money is so tight right now….between the house, child, and regular expenses (current rent, food, and everything else life throws our way), we just don’t have the funds right now. I want to go so bad, but it just isn’t in the cards.
My grandma passed of lung cancer back in 2020 during Covid. She was diagnosed after my grandpa woke up next to her unresponsive, where he called an ambulance and she was rushed to the nearby hospital. He was with her the entire time. I couldn’t get time off of work fast enough. I was always being told to wait. The doctors and nurses kept telling me it was spreading so quickly….she went in with stage 4 and within a month she passed in hospice. When she went into hospice, three weeks into her diagnosis, the hospice staff told me the best they could do, due to Covid protocol, was let me see her through her room window while standing outside of the building. I was going to do that out of desperation, but she passed within a week of being there.
I am having major mover’s guilt. I moved to my current state ten years ago when I was 19…..while I wouldn’t have met my husband nor would I have my beautiful son, had I not moved….maybe I would’ve been able to see my grandma before she passed, in person. Just to tell her I love her, and give her a hug or a kiss on the cheek. One last time. I had video called with her and talked on the phone, but it truly is not the same. She raised me and I felt so robbed of the opportunity to be there for her in her last moments.
Now I’m facing this same bullshit again, but this time with my grandpa, just under slightly different circumstances.
The same hospital that diagnosed my grandma with cancer misdiagnosed my grandpa. They sent him to see a surgeon at the state’s leading hospital, where he was notified of the misdiagnoses and they caught the cancer. At first everyone was relieved, because it appeared to have been caught relatively early. But then they rushed him home to follow up with the same hospital the misdiagnosed him. He went to go to their appointment and they fucking cancelled it without telling him. This man, who already has trouble breathing, went all the way there just to be turned away and have to go back home.
I’m so angry with everyone right now. Last week he seemed so ready to fight this. But this evening when we spoke he just sounded like he’s just…existing. God damn it!!!! They made him feel like there must be more important things scheduled ahead of him. What is more important for a pulmonologist than fucking cancer!? And why doesn’t he want to fight anymore!?
I’m sorry for the novel. These two people raised me and I feel like I am a complete failure for not being there for them in person, when they need/ needed me most.
I’ve been putting in a face because he doesn’t want anyone to know, but idk how much longer I can hold this in. I don’t want to be here crying in the dark, alone, while my husband and baby sleep. I don’t want him to be alone in all of this, either. He has friends that are there for him and supporting him in everything…but Jesus Christ if it doesn’t make me feel like even more of a failure for not being there.
I fucking hate life sometimes. I hate how when it rains, it pours. I believe in God and I know He works in mysterious ways….but this is so hard. Why does it have to be this hard….?
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2023.05.28 04:35 wagonflyer I get overly jealous anytime I think about my crush and don’t know what I should do about it

I (M18) met this girl (F18) online in mid 2020 and we grew really close over the course of a year and a half or so to the point of facetiming pretty much every night. I developed feelings for her but didn’t tell her until a couple months ago. She lived halfway across the country and I was so upset that we couldn’t be closer. She also eventually got a boyfriend and I did my best to accept that she didn’t feel the same way and I wanted to respect her having a boyfriend so I didn’t tell her.
A year or so went by and it got to the point where seeing her face or even just hearing her name made me literally sick to my stomach. There were a few times on facetime with her where I had to tell her I wasn’t feeling well and had to stop talking for the night.
In early 2021 I did something that turned out to be my biggest regret of my life, and I told her I couldn’t be friends with her anymore. She was (rightfully) very upset with me and I still think about it today and feel extremely guilty for how selfish it was of me.
I few months after I told her that, she contacted me again and I apologized multiple times and she forgave me but we didn’t really talk more than once every couple months due to both of us just being really busy but I never stopped thinking about her.
I just contacted her to congratulate her for graduating and I told her I wanted to talk more often but I didn’t tell her I still sometimes get sick thinking about her and I’m 99% sure it’s just jealousy and missing what I can’t have. My question is, did I make the right decision telling her I wanted to talk more, knowing how it makes me feel? I know she doesn’t feel the same way because she told me and I’m respecting that. I am perfectly happy with just being friends, but it still hurts. So did I make the right decision in contacting her again?
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2023.05.28 04:03 micronesiarain Episode 4- "Design Gone Galactic" ⭐️🪐

Episode 4-
the queens return to the workroom after Yuka's elimination
Wren: Awww, Yuka!
🏁Wren CF: Seeing Yuka leave is bittersweet. I had gotten really close with her. But when you're in the bottom two, you can only focus on it not being your name on that lipstick. One of us had to go, better her than me!
Fleur: I'd say I can't believe she's gone this early, but I'm afraid I saw it coming.
Sue: Really?
Fleur: If there's one thing about me and Yuka being in a competition together, it's that I'll make it farther. Bring out the tiny violins, bye bitch!
🏁Fleur CF: Did Yuka do anything to me? Hmm, that's a dumb question. But I do know that she was in the competition, and now she's not!
Morgs: Blondie and Zodya, congratulations. I'll admit, I was hoping this would be our week. But you did a nice job.
Blondie: Thank you.
Sharris: Let's hope that there aren't any more pity wins this season. That would be great.
Zodya: There's a difference between a pity win and being the best team to follow the rules.
Sharris: And I don't think you were either!
Zodya: Sharris, I don't need you making this a miserable experience.
🏁Zodya CF: I feel like Sharris brings a dark cloud over the competition. I trust Morgs and Steph, and I know that they trust Sharris. For now, I can play nice. But when it comes down to the inner group of the alliance, she'll have to go.
Kami: Blondie, how are you feeling after being in the top?
Blondie: It felt right, it felt correct!
Fleur: Oh shut up.
Blondie: Alright, that came out of nowhere, but work.
Wren: I'm sure my lipstick is in your bra right now, but it really was nice to see you get celebrated like that.
Blondie: I actually chose Yuka.
Wren: Girl, you don't need to lie. It's fine, really.
Blondie pulls her lipstick out to reveal she truly did choose Yuka
Blondie: Not lying.
Wren: What the hell, I'm at a loss right now.
🏁Blondie CF: Saving Wren was not an easy decision. I know people want her gone. And after what went down between the two of us, I had a million reasons to get her out of here. But this is the new version of Blondie, and I've made the decision to fight for this friendship. And that can only happen once one of us decides to be the bigger person. And that's usually not me, but there's a first for everything!
Blondie: What you did, it hurt me. But things I did on Season Six, that hurt you. If we keep going after each other, we can't move forward.
the camera slowly pans over to Sue who is hysterically crying
Steph: Sue?
Sue: I just...I just love seeing the birth of a friendship!
🏁Steph CF: If any of you question why I love this bitch, now you know. The sweetest soul I know.
Wren: Blondie, that means a lot to me. Thank you. Now, I still don't know if it should've been me in the bottom, but thank you.
Fleur: Here we go again.
Anthyy: Who do you think should've been in the bottom?
Wren: Our challenge was to show up at a certain time and perform. Most of us did that. But two of us didn't.
Sharris squints her eyes and takes off her earrings, handing them over to Morgs
Sharris: Wren, you're a joke. Not just a joke, an embarrassment. Why the fuck are you even here?
Wren: Excuse me?
Sharris: You take this so seriously, and it makes me physically uncomfortable. It's a game, calm down.
Wren: I'm not apologizing for showing up to a competition and wanting to compete.
Sharris: You need to apologize for a lot more than that. Starting with that face.
Fleur: And then work your way down.
Zodya: Are we really doing this right now? You're all taking this too far, and it needs to stop. I'm serious.
Sharris: Oh bug off, you don't need to play mediator.
Zodya: Sharris, stop. I'm not letting you attack my friend.
Sharris: If that's the kind of freak you're friends with, that says everything about you.
🏁Sharris CF: I won't rest until Wren is out of the competition. I don't like her, I haven't liked her, and I will never like her. It's not even about winning anymore. It's about breaking this bitch from the inside.
The Next Day
the queens enter the workroom, laughing and ignoring the drama from the previous night
🏁Anthyy CF: It's a new day in the workroom, and the stress of the competition is clearly getting to these girls! I feel good, staying out of the drama, and ready to slay. You won't see me safe again, that's not a cute look!
Sue: Seeing how many people are still here just shows how big this season is going to be. Three girls down, and we can still barely fit around the table.
Sharris: Some of you can skip some meals, and that'll change!
🏁Sue CF: I'm afraid that I'm fading into the background, and it's about time that I step forward. On Season Four, I never got to a win, even though I was close. I know that these girls think my attitude is more fun and relaxed, but I won't let them underestimate me.
the workroom door swings open as Micro steps in, wearing a sliver puffer track suit with futuristic silver sunglasses
Micro: Greetings Earth queens! When I invited each of you back, I did so because you are the best and brightest in the galaxy. And to prove that, it's time to take things out of this world. Behind me, there's a table full of celestial inspired materials. Each of you will design a high fashion look that takes us to infinity and beyond. Now, some of you may not love the idea of producing your own look. Which is why you have options! If you'd like, you are able to use a pre-existing look. The only catch is that you need to modify it enough so that it reads as your own unique creation. Good luck, and I can't wait to see what you come up with!
Micro leaves the workroom, and the queens rush over to the table of materials, grabbing everything they can find
🏁Whorechata CF: This is what I've been waiting for! From the start of this competition, these queens have questioned whether or not I belong here. And I knew they were wrong. Because...duh, look at the material. But this is the challenge where I know I can outdo everyone else. Yeah, I feel pretty good about my chances.
the queens spread throughout the workroom in different groupings
Fleur, Morgs, and Sharris discuss the challenge and what their ideas are
Sharris: I've decided to not make my own look. I know my limits, and there's more I can do with little embellishments than with a sewing machine.
🏁Morgs CF: Sharris is the person I'm the closest to here. I do trust that she can make this challenge work. But when she says she's not even taking out a sewing machine, I'm starting to worry.
Fleur: I've taken my sewing classes after Season Four, and I didn't really have that much to improve on.
Morgs: You had a design challenge on your season, right?
Fleur: We did. We got these horrible boxes of trash and had to make it into something.
🏁Fleur CF: I felt great about my look on Season Four. Truly, how can you describe it without using the word beautiful? Some people said I should've been in the bottom, but "some people" got sent home two episodes ago. Hi Lectro, thanks for watching!
Morgs: From what I can see of other people, I don't think we have anything to worry about this week.
Sharris: Just say Wren...
the camera cuts over to Wren on the floor, sculpting multiple arms and cutting out fabric
🏁Wren CF: I've always had a strong sense of what I want when it comes to the designs I wear. But it's taken some time to polish up the level of execution. This is my chance to show how much I've grown, even in the short time since Season Six.
Zodya: Wren, you doing good?
Wren: Can't talk, too busy serving cunt.
🏁Zodya CF: If you can't love yourself, then you must not be Wren! But hey, I can't knock the confidence.
Zodya: Chata, what are you bringing with your look?
Whorechata: I'm trying to embrace the materials as much as possible. I don't want to use any patterns I brought, any base garments, nothing. If it's not from that table, I'm not using it.
Zodya: It's definitely a bold color choice.
Whorechata: I need to stand out. Whatever it takes.
🏁Whorechata CF: Being able to create looks like this, that's why I applied for Season Five. And finally, I got a challenge where I can shine.
Anthyy, Steph, and Sue chat by the mirrors as they sketch out look ideas
🏁Anthyy CF: I've come back to judge fashion challenges on MDR a million times. If I don't slay this, I need to apologize to everyone I ever critiqued! I need to bring a new silhouette, new materials, everything. You won't be able to clock a single detail.
Steph: Last time I had a challenge like this, it caused me to spiral.
Sue: You know you've gotten better since then.
Steph: I think I have. Being back in these four walls, and feeling like I'm just starting to get the momentum going, it's hauntingly familiar to how I felt on Season Three.
Anthyy: You have to believe in yourself! Let the infection take over. Well, not like that. But the fashion infection.
Steph: Please, I need to catch the fashion infection first!
🏁Steph CF: Ever since my elimination on Season Three, I've felt like had I just made it through the design challenge, I could've won the whole thing. This is my chance to show that I can not just make it through this challenge, but I can come out unharmed, and ready to give this competition what I have. Call me dramatic, but you all saw the look, it was traumatizing!
Sue plugs in her headphones and turns on Kylie Minogue, unlocking her full powers. She turns on the sewing machine and gets to work
🏁Sue CF: When it comes to sewing, I may not be Sue Essence Hall. But I have the drive and heart to win this thing. Nobody wants this more than me, and that's gotta count for something.
the lights flicker and an electric magenta light floods the runway as Micro struts down the center
Micro Episode 4 Look
Micro: Welcome back to the runway of Micro's Drag Race: All Stars! This week, the queens were asked to design a high fashion look utilizing or inspired by celestial materials. And joining me on the judging panel is a very special guest. Usually, we keep it in the family and have past queens return to judge. But this season, I've invited some legendary queens that I admire to help me out. And tonight, we have the amazing Hex!
Hex Guest Judging Look
Micro: Hex, thank you for being here!
Hex: Honored to be here.
Micro: You've been a legendary designer in the drag world for years. What do you think makes a good design?
Hex: Finding a concept, and immersing yourself in that world. If you want to be an alien, become that alien and think about how they'd wear the look. You have to commit!
Micro: That is fabulous advice. You ready to get started?
Hex: I'm ready to feel inspired!
Micro: Without further ado, let's see if these looks are truly out of this world!
"Bad Juju" by Jujubee plays
Anthyy: Coming down this runway I feel amazing! It’s a design challenge and you just know that miss Anthyy will deliver in those! Tonight the category was space at first I got a bit scared cause the home eis super broad if you look at it but then my. Mind went straight to my sister she is OBSSESED with space, so I called her and asked her what is her favorite planet! She said Uranus… and the rest is history! So tonight for my look I am channeling you the Uranus fantasy, my dress is a net made out of 27 of the Uranus’s moons and being me you can see a stunning set of it’s rings, not many people know that Uranus is one of the 3 planets with rings! Yup not only Saturn so tonight I wanted to make sure we don’t forget about those rings! Uranus is also one of the coldest planets that exsist so i made sure my alien puss is frozen the haus down boots! The parts holding together the moons on her dress are all coveed in galaxy dust and you can see my stunning 3 pairs of hands all going in diffrent directions! As for the look itself, it is a pretty gown (which you know i only do for special occasions!) with an amazing backpiece and stunning hair artistry! I would say this is soemthing that isnt often seen and its one of it's kind so im suoer happy to bring it to you on the design challenge! Lets hope this alien lands me my 3rd win! Finding out that this week's guest judge is my amazing friend Hex, she also is included in this look honey did you notice how my alien has 3 nostrills??? YUPPPPP thats what i call referencing
Anthyy Look
Blondie: You better beware, you're in for a scare! Run in fear when Captain Blondatrix arrives on your planet and goes for a pure femme pink fem-pire! For this look, I did use a pre-existing outfit but dyed the colours to a nice ballet slipper pink & a rose gold pink to add to colour theory. I did paint the mask and got a dazzling matching wig... I mean, styled my hair into a gorgeous blonde to meet my branding. Next, I got rid of some pesky details that weren't needed and created more of a space priestess vibe, and kept the alien incubator, as I'm here to spread my seed any way I can. Finally, I created a new banner and an amazing bi-sexual planet to create awareness. So beam me up, cuz I'm here to take y'all down~
Blondie Look
Fleur: I love the Earth. The Earth just gives cunt 24/7 for the past billion years. She always finds some way to absolute slayyyyyy. For example when she decided that she wanted a desert, we were all like "yas girl sand is so sexy". Her brain is just so innovative and she is truly a lovely person. I love the Earth. It is just so calm, and peaceful and sweet. Everyday is amazing on Earth because the Earth is just amazing. It has not one bad quality. That is why I love it. This look resemblances the cuntiness Mother Earth is but also how serene it can be. She's so quirky. But sometimes... just sometimes... the Galaxy is jealous of Earth's cuntiness. Like for example, when the Galaxy decided to shoot a meteor onto it and kill all those leather wearing, katy perry roaring carnivores. Like that was bullying! But sometimes... just sometimes... the Galaxy is in a bad mood and it wants to recreate the devastation of the first meteor. Fuck the galaxy honestly. FUCK YOU. And when the Earth goes BOOM, so does the runway Fleur is modelling and strutting on. This gives her enough times to take of her jumpsuit and reveal her bare naked skin which is just coincidentally painted in a molten galaxy pattern. Science lesson: This is because the Earth has plates. The crust, the mantle and the core. The core is filled with molten lava and I think lava is so that bitch. Like it can burn a hoe like that! So obviously when the earth explodes, lava will ooze into the milkyway making the milkyway turn orange. Kind of like food colouring. And obviously, when the world does explode into the galaxy, you would probably be blinded by the light so you will always need some funky Lady Gaga looking sun glasses. And that's on period.
Fleur Look
Fleur Reveal
Fleur Reveal
Kami: Kami steps out onto the stage, and she is ready for space! She is serving you astronaut realness with her helmet in hand, and her bedazzled star space bodysuit when suddenly she trips -
her belt unravels and suddenly you can see a fake face laying on the ground
Oh my god! She's really an alien?? She's kind of serving though... Her alien wings held back by the belt that was previously cinching her waist (?) in, has revealed who she truly is. The wig seems to have melted down, and a bunch of the accessories are now falling off as well. The stars on the alien skin slowly falling off as the bodysuit from before is now revealed to have been her skin all along. how is she hiding humongous wings underneath a tiny belt ? these are questions that are unnecessary!
Kami Look
Kami Reveal
Morgs: BLAM! for my intergalactic runway it’s getting hot in here, why? because i’m a star, litterally. i wanted to be the sun, the most important thing for life. i've got a warm dress on, glasses to protect me from the UV rays, and a backpiece that are supposed to be sunbeams. i’m slaying this runway and even though i hate designing my own stuff, i managed to make myself a whole outfit and sunbeams that shoot out!
Morgs Look
Sharris: For my Space Age Couture runway, my inspiration comes directly from the galaxy and the beautiful sky we see at nighttime. I didn’t want to go with an astronaut, or an alien, I wanted to go with the sheer beauty that the natural world holds. It’s couture, and just so so extravagant. This runway represents an entire celestial body. If a lady from the Capitol moved to space- this is what she’d be wearing. Upon walking onto the runway, the lights dim, and i’m SHINING. Practically radiating with beauty. I have never been in more awe than I have with what I’ve produced tonight
Sharris Look
Steph: for my runway look tonight i wanted to be a FIERCE celestial goddess. my entire body is painted in that same sparkling purple color as the mug which reminds me of Nebula one of my fav guardians of the galaxy. and honestly my look tonight IS THE SPACE AGE AND THE UNIVERSE MAMA. she is a space goddess and she has kidnapped the stars and the color purple to make this look. thx a bunch:) My vision is filled with this collage and i hope u enjoy her:)
Steph Look
Sue: So for my look tonight I am serving you intergalactic space pop star. She has her Ariana ponytail on and her microphone that she totally didn’t get inspired by from Fever by Kylie Minogue.
Sue Look
Whorechata: Tonight is my day to shine. Chata is living in the year 3000 and failed her astronaut astronomy space class exam thing and can’t use her spacesuit to go to the plant Whore anymore. So what does she do… she takes it apart MAWMA. This outfit is using a deconstructed padded astronaut suit. Some green tubing and inflatable thingys to create this futuristic Lewk. Tonight I hope to show these girls why micro let me in the doors.
Whorechata Look
Wren: Kneel.
Zodya: Tonight on the runway, I am giving you space duchess to the extreme! I am the most fabulous diva at the annual Galatica Ball, and honey, you can’t outshine me! Get out of my way, girls, because none of y’all can be as glamorous as me!
Zodya Look
Micro: Thank you ladies! Based on your performances tonight, I've made some decisions. When I call your name, please step forward.
Micro: Kami, Steph, Whorechata. The three of you...are safe.
Steph: Oh thank lord. Whew!
Kami and Steph thank the judges as Whorechata's face is drained of all life. Her legs begin to quiver, and her eyes lose emotion as they twitch
🏁Whorechata CF: Safe. Safe. Oh wow.
Whorechata steps forward and walks towards the judging panel. She hunches over and grabs the base of the panel, as Micro and Hex look at her in confusion. Whorechata lifts with all of her might, and flips the panel. Her eyes turn bright red and she storms around the studio, throwing punches and kicks at everyone in sight
🏁Whorechata CF: Well, that's what I wanted to do at least...
the scene snaps back into reality where Whorechata is standing on stage and faking a smile
Micro: The three of you may leave the stage.
Whorechata: Safe girls, woohoo!
Micro: The rest of you represent the tops and bottoms of the week. It's time for your critiques.
Micro: First up, Anthyy!
Hex: Hello Anthyy! This look is fun, i know that this isn't really your style but i think that you did the theme's justice tonight. You decided to be inspired by one of the planets which is a really safe choice to do on a theme like that, but you went with one of the most interesting ones so its ok, We can see that the inspo was there from the color palette and the rings. The look is just a basic gown let's be real but you still make it interesting with the transparent parts and overall its giving me very Brooke Candy/slutish vibe which i am personally a fan of. What i am not a fan of is the makeup here, i like that you decided to pay homage to your drag sister - me, but idk i am not really feeling the eyes, they kinda look weird but i guess it fits the whole alien aesthetic so maybe i'm just quirky and nitpicking. The headpiece is really fun and playful. Overall it's a really strong look from you tonight, good job!
Micro: Anthyy! I think this week was a great chance for you to show off a new style with your looks. Getting more into the alienesque and untraditional glamour. And you really nailed that in my opinion! I love when a look is simple, but has dynamic silhouettes and added bits. This strappy dress on its own would maybe be too simple, but the back piece and extra arms, it elevates it to an incredible level. I think the color palette of blue and gray was unexpected but worked well. And usually I’m begging for rhinestones, but I wouldn’t add any rhinestones to this look, I don’t know how you managed that! Great work.
Micro: Next, Blondie!
Hex: Blondie! Hi, i love how both you and Anthyy decided to go with 3 eyed aliens! I see what you tried to do with the theme, but i lowkey don't see space in it, your color palette is giving me just a normal person, maybe if you changed the hair and face to be pinkish too maybe it would help to sell the theme more? I also don't think that you edited your look enough to be that different from the original one which is a shame because i see some potential. Overall you were in the middle tonight, not the worst but not the best one either.
Micro: Hi Blondie!! I think this base look was a great choice for this challenge, since it does lend itself to that outer space vibe. And you definitely put the work in to make this your own. I do think though that the new color palette makes the level of detail come down a bit. There’s a lot about this that I like, but I have to nitpick!
Micro: Next up, Fleur Tation!
Hex: Fleur! Hello girl, let me start with the positives first, well, so i liked that you decided to be inspired by earth which is an original choice for a theme like that not gonna lie, everyone would do something quirky but you decided to not look too far for your inspiration. You have a + for that from me. Now for your look, hmm i think that you could do way more with it, its just a simple bodysuit with a print on it, the reveal version is better, but still could've been more elevated. I just wish that you did something more with the hair and makeup in both of these, because even though your inspiration was really good for me, it just looks like you did not know what to do with it. Overall its not a good look from you tonight, I appreciate that you drew it and your description was fun to read.
Micro: Let me start off by saying your runway commentary and how you sold this look was my absolute favorite. I love the effort you put into that. Now onto the looks. I think they told a great story. But the actual design elements, I’m not getting much from it if I’m being totally honest. If there was some sleeve action, some interesting cut to the pants, something to bring more to it.
Micro: The always fabulous, Morgs!
Hex: Hello Morgs! This is very safe for me, i like the inspiration because without the sun there wouldn't be us so good for you to appreciate that. There's nothing much to say here really, maybe other than i don't really see cosmos here but it's just not the worst look tonight so, at least you tried and drew it.
Micro: Hi Morgs! I love the energy and vibe that this look conveys. It’s modern and has a cool look to it. I will say, I think the back piece really saves you here. It adds a unique element, and I think the look needed it. The rest of the look is a bit too simple to me. Maybe some stoning, a different neckline on the dress, some little adjustments could’ve amped this up. But as is, this doesn’t totally work for me, I’m sorry!
Micro: Next, Sharris!
Hex: Hello Sharris! Your look is good but i don't think you did enough for me to call it as 'your' look. Micro gave you all an option to edit one of many existing looks and while you picked a really good one, you barely did anything to edit it as yours, it just looks like you put a filter over it and called it a day, not even bothering to change the colors really. While Blondie did the same thing, she at least i don't know tried to make things a bit interesting by changing the whole color palette. That's all.
Micro: Hi Sharris! With the option to take a pre-existing look and edit it, I think the potential to make something your own and really special was there. And while I think you look amazing right now, it is so similar to the original look. Small things like changing the hair, adding new jewelry, maybe a metal corset piece, those could’ve really worked to make this more of an original piece. Not a bad look by any means, but I have to look at how different it is from the original, and I’m not seeing much.
Micro: Shining bright, it's Sue Pernova!
Hex: Sue! This look is very adorable, i really like the color palette, it looks like some video game character thats a singer and has some cosmic related superpowers. Your inspiration here clearly shows because i can see each thing you mentioned in your description. I love how we can't really see her face because it also adds to the mystic element that the cosmos has because we still don't really know much stuff about it. Overall a really good job tonight, congrats!
Micro: Sue, this look is adorable!! I love the outer space popstar vibe you went for, and the vibrancy of these colors work really well with that. The different textures and materials as well add some visual interest and keep it from being too simple. I maybe would’ve liked to see some lengthening to the legs and a tighter cinch on the corset, but this is a stand out look for me, you really impressed me here!
Micro: Next up, Wren Wyvern!
Hex: Wren, uhh hello? This was a letdown for me, you kinda did a similar look to Steph but i guess her's more elevated and just more interesting to look at. I don't think your look really sells the theme since it's barely cosmos related other than the cosmic print. I like what you tried to do with the arms but it reads more as angelic to me rather than some alien creature. I'm sorry but i don't like this.
Micro: Hi Wren! I’m gonna have to disagree with Hex on this one. I really enjoyed this look. It’s very cosmic deity, and you stand out from the group tonight. I think a really big collar piece that had some height and sharp edges to it would’ve taken this look to an even stronger level, but I see where you were going with it! Some minor little edits I’d make, but solid look from you!
Micro: Last but not least, Zodya Killer.
Hex: Hello Zodya! This is one of my favorite looks tonight, you had a clear vision and presented it really well. I really like the color palette and how vibrant it is, i love the accessories and the overall shape of it. The backpiece with your blonde hair in front of it kinda reminds me of the sun which is also a really fun detail. The way that you drew this also is a big plus for me + the props? I am a prop queen so i like the use of them in this look. Overall a really good moment for you tonight.
Micro: Zodya, you look like a goddess tonight. You found a way to take this sort of galaxy pattern and print and make it look regal and expensive. I love the way this look sparkles, and the golden accents against that deep blue and purple, it adds to that royalty look. If I had to nitpick, I wish there was a big necklace or set of earrings, but I can appreciate the simplicity in not going heavy with accessories. Great work!
Micro: Thank you ladies. I've made some decisions.
Micro: Blondie, Morgs, and Wren. The three of you are safe. You may step to the back of the stage.
🏁Wren CF: At this point, I'm not sure what else I could do. I gave you a full goddess, and then Micro has the nerve to put me in the same group as Blondie and Morgs? It's stupid, it really is.
Micro: Anthyy. Tonight, your E.T. was a T-O-P.
Micro: Sue Pernova. You took us all on a trip to Chromatica, and we didn't want to leave.
Micro: Zodya Killer. Category is...MET Gala on Mars.
Micro: Anthyy, Zodya. Congratulations, you are the top two queens of the week!
🏁Anthyy CF: Ah, screaming!! I put so much of my heart and soul into my designs, and the hard work paid off.
🏁Zodya CF: I didn't think I'd be the type of queen who looks forward to a design challenge. But I really believe in my skills, and having that validated by the judges, that means the world.
Micro: Sue, you are safe. Great work this week.
Sue: Thank you Miss Micro.
🏁Sue CF: This week was all about wanting to prove myself as a real competitor here. I have what it takes to win the crown, and this moved things in the right direction. I feel amazing!
Micro: Fleur, Sharris. I'm sorry my dears, but that means you are the bottom queens of the week.
🏁Fleur CF: I don't have words. To be in a room full of people who that, and be told I'm in the bottom? When I'm wearing custom couture? They're out to get me.
🏁Sharris CF: I'm fine being in the bottom. It doesn't bother me. I'd never throw a tantrum over a placement, unlike some people in this competition who shall not be named...but it's Wren.
Micro: Anthyy, Zodya. In a moment, the two of you will lipsync for your legacy, and the power to chop one of the bottom queens. Head backstage to Untucked, and make your decision.
the safe queens enter Untucked
Kami: Redemption!
Steph: And it feels oh so good! I'm so proud of us. Whorechata, are you happy to be safe?
🏁Whorechata CF: wHoReChAtA, aRe yOu hApPy tO Be sAfE? No bitch, I'm not!
Whorechata: I'm thrilled.
Steph: No you're not.
Whorechata: Oh really, what gave it away?
Kami: Let it out, let it out.
Whorechata: The girls up on stage right now, you can see the stringy little bits of hot glue. The seams are jankier than Wren's book in the first episode. Not to sound arrogant, but this belongs in a museum.
🏁Whorechata CF: Whorechata shows off her look and letting the camera zoom in on the hems
Kami: If it makes you feel better, I thought you should've been up on stage tonight.
Whorechata: If you change your name to Micro and tan a good twelve shades darker, it would mean more. But still, thanks Kami.
🏁Kami CF: You can't argue with crazy. You just can't.
the top and bottom queens enter Untucked
Wren: The attempt to break my spirit continues.
🏁Wren CF: Heading back to Untucked, it really does sting that I didn't win. I thought I had the best look, and I love the way I presented it. I wouldn't change a thing, but clearly the judges would.
Kami: I've heard the word "safe" enough times in the last hour to last me a lifetime, so can one of you fill us in on what happened on stage?
Anthyy: I'm in the top with Zodya!
Steph: Whyyyyyyy. Oop, not like that. Just you know, the Sue stan in me.
Sue: I'm torn with my emotions right now. Getting praised on this look felt amazing. But then it almost gave me a false sense of hope. I thought maybe I could win.
Zodya: And you could've. I'm so proud of your work here. It's amazing.
🏁Zodya CF: I know how much Sue wanted to win this challenge, but I'm also freaking out a little inside that I just won my third challenge! I mean really, what could go wrong now?
Wren: Regardless of what the judges said, I'm proud of this look.
Sharris: So why do you keep bringing it up?
Wren: With the runway last week, it was a more masculine approach than what I'm used to. And this week, I wanted to give full cunty goddess.
🏁Wren CF: Exploring gender identity and expression through fashion is important to me. Like, really important. I won't apologize for that.
Blondie: And just so I know, you use all the pronouns, right? I'm not trying to get cancelled again.
Wren: After saving me, you can call me whatever. But yes, anything works. He, she, they, it's all okay to me. But it doesn't take away from my trans-ness.
Sharris: Wren, what the fuck does that even mean?
Wren: What does what means?
Sharris: How are you a he, she, and they. Make up your mind.
Wren: I don't think I need to make up my mind. It's my personal journey, and I don't need to conform to what you want.
Sharris: You just represent everything that's wrong with the world to me.
Blondie: Okay, that's a bit much.
Fleur: Blondie, stay out of it.
Blondie: No! Why can't I say anything without you all jumping to make me look like the bad person?
Fleur: If people always think you're a bad person, maybe you just are.
Morgs: Woop, there it is.
🏁Fleur CF: Blondie swears she's an angel on Earth. But she's not. She's nasty, she's an input ho, and I don't fuck with her. Screw any alliances, I want her gone.
Sharris: The more I learn about you, Blondie, the more I understand why you and Wren are friends. The only upside to that is it means none of us have to be bothered by either of you. You can annoy each other instead.
Wren: Talk that talk in your bottom outfit. You could never give what I give!
Sharris: And thank god for that. Man, man, man. I see a MAN.
Anthyy: Girl...
🏁Anthyy CF: Sharris took a low blow with that one. Wren has been so open about her identity, and really advocated for trans representation! I considered Sharris a friend, but that changes everything.
Wren: Are you really going there? For real?
Sharris: I am, care to continue?
Wren: You know who I am and I've been nothing but transparent with how I feel in my identity. And for someone in this community to be the one coming after me, it's so gross.
Sharris: Let's get one thing straight, we're not in the same community.
Wren: Right, cause I'm some freak.
Sharris: Wren, shut up and go play in traffic.
Kami: Stop, don't go there. What's that even supposed to mean.
Sharris: As in, go die. Go die, for the sake of humanity, please.
the queens all clasp their hands over their mouths as they realize what Sharris said
Wren: You want me to go kill myself?
Sharris: Yes please, look at how easy that was!
Wren: Give me a few years, and I'm sure I'll get there.
Blondie: Wren, don't even say that. Don't give that bitch another moment of your time.
Sharris: Blondie, you too.
Blondie: You are a miserable and hateful little bitch. You're disgusting. You better be so ashamed of yourself.
Fleur: You're the moral compass now? Why do you keep putting yourself in things?!
Blondie: Sharris brought me into it, and I'm done sitting down and taking it. You both are vile.
🏁Fleur CF: Blondie spews the most venomous things out of that over-plumped mouth. Why are people surprised that it caused someone to snap? If you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen. Blondie and Wren, there's the door, dumb bitches.
the queens return to the runway
Micro: Welcome back ladies. It has been brought to my attention that there was an altercation in Untucked.
Sharris rolls her eyes, as Blondie comforts Wren at the back of the stage
Micro: If this behavior continues, I won't hesitate to start this whole thing over. From the top, new cast and everything.
the queens snicker at Micro's comment, causing her to stand up and lean over the judging panel
Micro: I am NOT joking! Don't make me name names. But if you think you're one of the girls I'd replace, you're probably right.
the scene cuts to Lectro and Yuka standing outside of the studio and forming a prayer circle for the season to restart
🏁Kami CF: The behavior during Untucked shifted everything. I mean, it's really not that deep, and to stoop to that level? It''s just not acceptable.
Micro: Now, as much as I'm sure you'd love to keep attacking each other, we have more important things to get to: a fake lipsync. Will the top two queens please step forward.
Anthyy Lipsync Look
Zodya Lipsync Look
Micro: Anthyy, Zodya. Prior to tonight, you were asked to prepare a lipsync performance of "Supernova" by Kylie Minogue.
Sue: Please say jk.
🏁Sue CF: I'm fine! I'm so fine, don't even worry about me. cries in Kylie Minogue
Micro: This is your chance to impress me, and secure the right to give one of the bottom queens...the chop.
🏁Anthyy CF: I really felt like I was in a tough spot with these queens in the bottom. But after that moment in Untucked, I know what needs to be done. It was taken way too far!
🏁Zodya CF: I don't have a connection to either of the bottom queens this week. But I am ready to channel my inner Sue, and give this song what it deserves.
Micro: Good luck, and don't fuck it up!
Read lipsync here!
Micro: Oh wow!
the queens clap for Sue as she shrouds herself in a cloud of glitter before remembering that Anthyy and Zodya are on stage
Micro: I think it's safe to say Sue was the real winner of that one.
Sue: Kylie, that was for you, baby!!
Micro: Ladies, I've made my decision.
Micro: Zodya Killer, you're a winner baby!
Zodya: Ah, thank you! Kylie, I am so sorry.
Micro: Anthyy, you are safe to slay another day.
Anthyy: I'm sorry mama, my feet were tired after doing three of these!
Zodya giggles and raises her eyebrows
Micro: Will the bottom two queens please step forward.
Fleur and Sharris walk to the front of the stage as the safe queens glare at them
🏁Fleur CF: I don't think I should be in the bottom this week, and I shouldn't have been near the bottom last week either! If they send me home, it's just putting me out of my misery. But if I stay, I'll make this hell for each and every one of them.
🏁Sharris CF: I don't regret a thing. It went far, but there's only so much I could take from that...person doesn't feel appropriate. I think pathetic troglodyte fits Wren better. Whether they like it or not, I'd say it again!
Micro: Zodya. With great power comes great responsibility. Which queen have you get the chop?
Zodya: I'm going to be honest, I don't have any strong connections to either of you. I think you both deserve to be here and can be able to bring something fun to the rest of the competition, but tonight, I'm going to have to go with the person I felt really took on the challenge to heart. My
Zodya: Sharris.
Zodya's Lipstick Choice
Sharris laughs as Morgs begins to tear up
Micro: So it is written, so it shall be done. Sharris, I know that you have everything it takes to thrive in a competition like this. But now is not your time.
Sharris: Womp womp.
Micro: Now, sashay away.
Sharris goes to the back of the stage to hug Morgs before walking off
Micro: Moving forward, I hope we can treat each other with some more kindness, and enjoy this for what it is. Now, let the music play!
"Banjo" by Bebe Zahara Benet plays
Next Time on Micro's Drag Race
Blondie: There is a killer on the loose, and nobody is safe.
🏁Whorechata CF: If this means I make a few enemies, oh well!
Micro: I'm so sorry, I need to excuse myself.
Micro steps away from the judging panel as her eyes fill with tears
Track Record
Cast Shot w/ Placements
submitted by micronesiarain to XtinasDragRace [link] [comments]

2023.05.28 03:28 fuzzbucket19 I’m trauma bonded to my substance abusing ex bf

My(35/f) ex bf (40/m) is a drug addict and narcissist. I want to be brutally honest here and please no hate about drug addicts. I met my ex, let’s call him Alan online right before the pandemic. He was a great texter and there for me when times were tough in the world. He seemed to get where I was coming from and wanted the same things in life. We met in the fall of 2019 and hung out a few times.
This was the start of my struggles with addiction. Then things started to get bad with Covid so I didn’t see him again until august of 2020. During that time we talked every day, and he even asked me to be his gf in May of 2020 despite us not seeing each other due to the pandemic. I thought I was in love and he was everything on paper that I had been looking for. Alan didn’t know, but I was on a leave of absence from work from Nov 2019 to Feb 2020 due to stress and my mental health problems. When we started hanging out in person in august when restrictions were lifted. He was let go at his job due to Covid and never had any money or any ideas of what to do when he hung out. Nothing was open and our living situations didn’t allow us to have the other person over. No one wanted the « germs » of a stranger in their house during Covid. All Alan wanted to do was use drugs. This was one of those things I overlooked, thinking he’s been hurt, like me, and was coping through tough times but wanted to quit. I thought we could get better together. As time went by the drugs because more important in our relationship. I had never used crack cocaine before, but one night I ended up using and my addiction soon became unmanageable. We were using every day after work. I’d miss days at work, I went into debt, defaulted on loans and robbed my family and pawned everything I could. I was off work for another 5 months due to my addiction. Alan never paid for anything. Ever. Not even the cigarettes he smoked. And I was always taken advantage of. He would steal from me and used my credit cards behind my back. He stole over $13,000 from my dad. He taught me how to commit cheque fraud. He would steal my car when I was sleeping and drive girls and drug dealers around for extra dope. He lied about everything and I just overlooked everything. I know I’m an idiot but I felt like I needed him. He was in my circle and it was safer because of the pandemic.
While Covid was horrible for my mental health and addiction it was quite good to me professionally. I didn’t want to lose these opportunities and I didn’t like the person I was becoming as a drug addict. I didn’t like my financial situation, I was around people who made me nervous and i never knew who I could trust. When I hit my rock bottom I felt Alan was there for me. It was really the only time he was there for me. We would go on benders and spend days in the car in freezing Canadian winters. Looking back I don’t know how I made it through.
I am also trauma bonded to Alan. During a week of partying, one of his friends allowed me to smoke down. I passed out and I woke up to him rubbing my chest. I guess I overdosed the first time I used down. I feel like I owe him for saving my life but he also treats me so poorly I wonder why he didn’t just let me die.
I also got myself into outpatient rehab programs and completed those, I even had an in patient program lined up. The better I got mentally was the more things improved in my career. I’m fact i have a full time permanent job and I’m making more money than I ever made. I also got my own apartment. It’s just myself on the lease and I take care of everything. And I feel incredibly grateful for the opportunity I’ve been given to turn my life around. I think Alan resents me for this. I know I’m very fortunate to have things turn around so quickly. Most people don’t get to see the benefits of being clean so quickly and it makes it harder to stay on track.
On June 1st I will be 1 year sober. Alan has been living with me on and off. I’ve been allowing this as long as he pays me his share of food, rent and utilities. I’m also sure he uses in my condo and it makes me uncomfortable. I can tell when he’s using and he of course denies everything. He’s also been caught trying to invite people to my house, guys and girls.
In all honestly, Alan actually disgusts me. He is into some kinky stuff and I used to support him. I admired him for knowing what he wanted and being open enough to share that with me. What I have the problem with is the secrecy and him saying one thing and then going out and hooking up with people and using drugs with them without my knowledge. It made me feel dirty and unsafe and gross.
However, despite all that I feel like I still need him. My therapist said the healthier I get is the less I will need him. It’s true but there’s still something that ties me to him. He’s currently giving me the silent treatment. I guess that’s one of the punishments of a narcissist. I should take his lack of response as the answer that he doesn’t care. But it’s been difficult to move on. I can’t move on. It’s the same cycle. I’m scared of him but I still want him around. Saying goodbye to him is almost harder than not using.
I’ve learned he’s a narcissist and I’m a bit of a narcissist myself I guess. I know I’ve stayed with him so long because my mother is a narcissist and it’s what I’m used to. It’s what I find normal.
I’d feel like I’d have an easier time moving on if I was pretty. He’s the good looking one and I’m fat and ugly. I have a lot of self esteem issues and I think that’s why I’ve put up with so much.
Anyways just thought I’d share. I want to know if it’s the drug use or maybe he’s just the worst person I’ve ever met. I’ve learned there are so many resources about narcissistic abuse and it’s helped me a lot; but I think the addiction makes it complicated. It’s hard to find things I relate to. I wonder if he would still be like this if he didn’t use. I feel like he has a lot to offer the world even if it’s not with me. But I also feel like I’m his only chance at a better life. He comes from a broken home and doesn’t have support or family or friends, or really good people in his life. I know that’s been the difference in my recovery and although sometimes I think he can’t be helped because he’s a product of his environment I know that I wouldn’t be where I am today if someone didn’t believe in me. So I want to believe in him.
Should I keep him around? Is there a chance he might change? Wondering if anyone else has an addiction component of narcissistic abuse and can provide some insight.
TLDR: My ex is a narcissist and addict. How does the substance use affect narcissism?
submitted by fuzzbucket19 to relationships [link] [comments]

2023.05.28 03:27 Willowsewsweet Might not be invited to the MET gala but life it to short to not be campy and fabulous on the daily.

Might not be invited to the MET gala but life it to short to not be campy and fabulous on the daily. submitted by Willowsewsweet to regards [link] [comments]

2023.05.28 03:16 MiserableFilm5321 Story of my past and current life.

I'm 19 years old female in Europe, a student from Vocational School. I live with my parents and I have a brother. My family knows about my mental illness, I have ADHD + Social Anxiety, as I was diagnosed with illness from my therapist. Diagosed ADHD as a child, and diagnosed (social) anxiety as a teenage.
Back in 2020, when I was 16 years old, I met a guy online, who's name was Adam and he was from Czech, he was same age as me. We were young, so of course we'd be reckless, too naive and lack of experience from relationships cuz it was both of our first relationship, as I've never had one before, neither did Adam. (we never got to meet in real life, sadly.)
We met through Steam and Instagram, when he added me as his friend and I accepted, because he seemed interesting person. We started talking a lot, turned out to have everyday talks between us because we found out how much we're alike and things we have in common. Shortly after being great friends with him, I started falling for him, but I kept the feelings to myself. Funnily enough, I started to thought he felt the same for me. I wasn't sure why, maybe because how his actions were and the way he talked with me. I let it slide for few more months before, I confessed, and he said he had mutual feelings towards me, and we made it official at 5 July, 2020.
Things seemed great and amazing at start, and I really loved him, but I became kinda obsessed with him as I started using phone too much during school and while hanging out with friends. He didn't mind because he was the same. Although, it really started to bother one of my friend, and she talked about it to me many times that Adam was no good for me. Obviously, I didn't believed her because I knew him and I thought my friend haven't gave him a chance to get to know him. Although, I felt bad enough and tried my best to keep the boundaries between Adam and I, which I think worked for a while until my mom started talking about my phone addiction because of him, which led both of us trying to be little more less active for each other. It was fine, for most parts. I guess we managed to get through this together at some point.
Fast forward to Autumn, around November, I got a text from Adam saying he didn't wanted to be in relationship with me because of our native language differences, which shocked me, because he never cared about it in the first place. I talk with him and tried to reasonable with him about things, but he disagreed, so we decided to be friends. It didn't last long though; He texted me few hours after our conversation, and sid he highly regretted it. The pressure he gets from parents was too much for him, and thought it'd be only way to "fix" things, but he changed his mind because he knew he wasn't happy without me. (one thing to mention, none of our both families supported our long distance relationship). We sorted it out and went back together, but that's where MY problems raised...
Shortly after events of "brokeup", around winter and spring I started to experience lot of anxiety and worriness because I was afraid. I was afraid he'd hurt me again, I started to get anxious and emotional more easily, because of my fear. My friends started to notice lot of changes in me; I was more emotional, I wasn't happy and most of time I was in my own mind, didn't wanted to do any activities with them anymore. One of them knew the problem, and she immediately told me that Adam really has bad effects on me and my mental health, which I didn't believed that first at all. I knew I was just hurt because of the breakup thing. Although, I started to get worse in school; so worse that I started to fall my grades, I couldn't focus, I started to avoid people, I developed small anxiety around people and didn't wanted to go outside and at some point, the nightmares from so called "trauma", my trust issues started, I got lot of doubts. My parents started to notice there's something wrong with me and took me to therapist. I'd say it did help, but not much, unfortunately. My relationship with Adam start struggling even more during these times, especially because of my own struggle to let go of the breakup, because of how (emotional) hurt I really was.
I'm going to skip whole summer, so fast forward to 2021 August where Adam told me he wanted me to keep him a promise. "Could you be more happy for me?" he asked. Of course I promised, because I loved him, and I knew he meant well. I tried to heal and tried to forget the whole thing. I'd say it really took 8-9 months for him to finally see how badly I was struggling, since he asked me if I could be 'happier' for him.
Fast forward to 2022 January to March. I slightly started to notice different behaviour from Adam, which i tried to talk with him about, most of times he really couldn't tell me and said to was 'nothing", I knew he was lying. Few days after his 18th birthday he said he didn't wanted to continue the relationship at all, telling me it wouldn't work out and broke up with me for real, saying he actually started to understand what's life actually like. I didn't wanted to lose him, so I tried to do everything I could to have him back. Of course, it hurt like hell, but I tried so many times. He refused and I tried to accept it, even though it was such a pain for me for so long, because I loved him. Few months past by and it was time to go to school, which was my graduation year, so I tired hard to focus on lessons, exams, etc. Though before I graduated school, I made a mistake that broke my friendship between my classmates and I. I let my anger out on them most of time because of my stress level was too high. So I ended up smoking because one of my other friend wanted me to, to relieve stress. I didn't wanted to, but did it for them anyway.
Summer to Autumn 2022 after graduating I didn't stay in touch with my classmates anymore, and on my 18th I stopped smoking and tried to move on with life and to heal from everything. Adam and I stayed in contact after everything we've been going through together, and especially I still cared so much about him. Still struggled so much with anxiety, though. I got to new school, but things weren't any better as my social anxiety was still my "best" friend during this. I lost control or had a breakdown multiple times, and my coping mechanism was mainly to sit on the phone, which caused problems to teachers a lot. I was quite harsh on them as well though, showing really no respect or doing something without their permission. I got along well with two friends of mine from my previous school, actually. They were the closest I had, along with my brother, during this time of school year. So, I spend most of my time with them.
January to February 2023 I started drinking alcohol, suddenly developed little addiction towards it, and that was the only thing I wanted to do everytime I had a breakdown, has thought of it, but didn't do, either cuz I didn't had money, or cuz of my parents. Hanging out with a friend of mine in a pub one day in the evening, I bought beer for me. I was really drunk that I barely could walk after one big glass of beer. So during our walk together, I fell down by accident because of how drunk I was, it was pretty funny for us for some reason. But, it become little serious after I noticed sirens behind my gate when I was home, and my brother said it was a police, which scared me, because I didn't wanted to have problems with cops after the pub drinks. So, after that day, I didn't wanted to drink any beer or anything related to alcohol. Although, there was a day I drink beer at school by "accident", and yelled at teacher, said really mean and nasty stuff to her, which believe me, the ending wasn't nice at all...
Another thing that happened around end of February this year, was that I met a guy, in real life, fell in love and started dating. Things were awesome until he broke one small promise, that changed my trust towards him, and I wasn't sure if I could've trust him again after that. Especially if I was still having contact with Adam after official breakup between me and him, the harder it really feels to trust, since the trauma I have from Adam.
May 2023 lately, I feel like I don't want to be in a relationship anymore with my boyfriend, who's name is Eric, because of myself, my past and it feels like it wouldn't work out, and I think I'd rather stay single. Though, he doesn't want me to leave him and is really afraid of that. I love him, but those few months been hard and I don't feel the same happiness I felt before anymore. And, I just don't feel like I want to be in relationship currently, but breaking up with him would cause damage to him, which is something I don't want.
Also, to be honest, I'm feeling really lost in life. Like, I have no interest, no hobbies, nothing. I mainly "exist" and do nothing but play games and try to pass time somehow, by doing nothing productive. Thought I want to, something seems to stop me, feeling unmotivated. I don't have any plans after ending school again, but my parents won't allow me to sit at home because it isn't normal, which I know it isn't, but there's no option for me anymore, as I don't see any of it, right now. I don't want to work a part-time job or a full-time job, that's for sure.
Other things I want to mention are: - my ex boyfriend, Adam, mainly asks for nudes - I feel really lack of support from my family in general. - I don't know what to do after school when dropping out, due no experience with works either, and the only thing that I really wanted was IT specialist, which I couldn't get, because of my math, which is pretty bad. - Social anxiety isn't so bad right now, but I don't want to take pills anymore, lost of interest for everything sometimes, and breakdowns; mostly triggered by trauma or memory of my ex/past.
I never felt so loved before, until Adam broke my heart to pieces, to the point I actually fell into dark hole for what feels like forever. Yes, I've had depression before, I don't think I have it anymore, but I guess I'll never know, cuz self diagnos is bad, that's what I know. I don't go to therapy anymore, to make things clear.
My life sucks, and it feels there's no way out at times. I don't want to be dramatic, but seriously, any advice would be much appreciated.
thank you, for whoever you are, for listening and reading my story. Really wanted to let that shit out of my chest as it feels there's none to talk to. Any support, advice (or even bit criticize) is appreciated. <3
submitted by MiserableFilm5321 to offmychest [link] [comments]

2023.05.28 03:13 SpecialistWasabi3 Logan Was Such an Insecure Man Who Always Competed With His Kids

Case in point:
Season 1 when he had a stroke that caused the share prices to fall and made the bank demand their $3B back. Ken saved the company by bringing in Stewy and Sandy. Not ideal, but it saved their asses. He thought his dad would congratulate him, you could see his desperation for a 'good job'. But what does his sick father do? He uses his very sparse breath to croak out, "You're a fucking idiot."
Season 1: The foundation gala. Kendall is preparing a speech congratulating his sick father who just won't die. Can't come up with a joke to make his frustration palatable to an audience and leaves a reminder to do so on the teleprompter. Connor sees the vague note and tells Logan, who doesn't hesitate to announce a comeback because he thinks Kendall was going to retire him by force. He believes this because that's what he'd do. Because he's a piece of shit and can't imagine a world where his own son won't be a piece of shit back.
Season 3: Logan is sick, AGAIN, when the vultures are at the door, AGAIN. He makes multiple wrong calls that people follow until they realize he's out of it. Shiv runs to Sandi and rescues the deal, securing an extra board seat for both of them. The deal is struck, the meeting doesn't go into a vote, the Roys still control WayCo. Good? Nope. Logan tells Shiv that she got shafted in the ass and he'd have struck a better deal (OK gramps, how about you try not to have a UTI tomorrow). Then he almost knocks the champagne flute out of her hands and yells at her in front of the executives. Like yikes.
Season 4: The Pierce deal. The kids did good. A small win, but it's against their dad so it's a biggie. Logan calls them 'fucking morons'.
I honestly don't think there's a man more afraid of his kids than him. He truly enjoys their failures because they make him feel needed. He likes fixing their fuck ups and giving them reassuring hugs and pats because he knows that's how to keep them juvenile and reliant forever.
submitted by SpecialistWasabi3 to SuccessionTV [link] [comments]

2023.05.28 02:59 Candyhewitt Me 30F, BF 37M- how to support him during depression, drugs and grief?

This is tough to type out. Together 5 years. We live together and always had a strong, great relationship. In 2020 his grandmother who practically raised him passed away and it broke my boyfriend. He has never been able to fully accept it.
He works in nightlife, which involves drinking anyway. I’ve noticed over the years his drinking will pick up ( he stays late after his shift with his colleagues ) he admitted to using cocaine etc. he told me I don’t deserve this but he said it’s the way he can somehow cope with the grief. He said he doesn’t feel like life worth living and he keeps going because he has a daughter (9 year old who he had before me with his ex long term partner).
His mother has unfortunately just been diagnosed with cancer. It is all uncertain at the moment but I know this will have a profound impact on him again.
I’m struggling to know how and if I can support him through the hardest few years of his life. Im extremely understanding and patient. He acknowledges that. But he also won’t talk about his feelings and refuses professional help- male pride aspect.
Being in a relationship you should always support your partner and be there for them through good but also shit awful times.
But I also hate the way he is dealing with it- I know there is no one way to deal with grief. He smokes too (cigarettes) and whilst he did before I met him, given we live together Im finding it harder and harder as I hate that he is damaging his health.
I love him so much but I need guidance or anyone who has had personal experience. I want to be there for him through thick and thin but I also want to know how I be a supportive gf without being too lenient or passive
TL;DR: Long term bf dealing with depression and grief very unhealthily and I don’t know how to manage it. Love him with all my heart but I need help understanding how to support him
submitted by Candyhewitt to relationships [link] [comments]

2023.05.28 02:37 meepo23 How does one improve themselves who has "some friends" but still zero social life?

I am kinda stuck, I get to the point straigth away and then telling the long story after so I am not completly wasting your time and if you are interested you can read the whole story. The question of my problem is after the story. The thing is, I feel like I am always second or even third option for my friends when it comes to hangout, doing plans for summer, doing trips etc. I really love traveling, I love seeing new places, I have dozens of dreams to visit, I have money for it as well, what I don't have are people to come with me, and I don't enjoy it as alone. Whenever I tell about my friends about these plans, like visiting Slovenian mountains on a trip and similiar to these, they are always excited and say its amazing, but when the time comes that I'm actually making this into a reality, they all back down instantly. What do I do to not feel this way? I have dozens of things I want to do, but I don't have the pleasure when I'm doing it alone, for example I want to try salsa dancing, try baseball, trip alot, visit foreign cities, but none of my friends join me.
Longer story:
I was always very introverted, had close to zero friends and I had no interest in getting a few either. In the later stages of high school, I fell in love and started realising how a few friend would be good now to talk about the feelings, get advices, and just overall have fun with, listen to their problems, etc... I got a few and I was very happy for them, sadly I got rejected by my love (big surprise after 0 social skills) and eventually my friends left me as well. All I had was like 2 friends from discord who I talked to at every night and one of them always mocked me that I have no life, which always hurt me. In 2020, I finally graduated from high school and started college in september, at the summer while I was waiting for the university to start, I decieded that I will improve and get alot of friends, buddies to do things and try out alot new. It actually worked, when I started I got alot of friends, I had a week where I went out almost every day, until covid lockdowns became more restriced, but even then we still went into the forests or mountains nearby, it was one of the best years, only one was better, which was 2021. I had a guy I befriended so hard, I ended up talking to him ALMOST everyday for HOURS, like I met my soulmate but as a friend. He had a uni friends who I befriended as well becouse of him call him John, and I already had a girl I befriended in the first semester, and we became a very fun group of 4 doing alot of things, such as trips to mountains, board gaming and just talk nights, movie nights. I was never really the alcohol type of guy, so this was the best thing ever.
Eventually this came to an end, my best friend started acting differently, and John didn't like how he turned out, so he started ignoring him, inviting only me and the girl friend to hangouts, I tried talking to my best friend for months, trying to pretend nothing has changed, but eventually he started dropping me slowly for his new buddies. I lost him completly.
Beside this sad news, this summer was one of the most eventful ones I had, with this girl I went dancing alot as 2, with the guy I was drinking and talking in beautiful sitting out places, talking about future plans, etc. University came and we were in different classes, eventually I became pretty far away with this girl who I considered one of my best friends and also in the same time, John has got a girlfriend, which obviously resulted in much-much less hangouts, like close to none from september to december, we hangout once and there was a time in november, when I told them they can stay at my place, becouse they had some unviersity work nearby my village.
By mid 2022, I didn't even meett the girl friend anymore, we talked once or twice monthly in messenger for about half an hour to 2 hours, it was depending on what we could tell eachother and I didn't meet John since march, and I am at november now.
Finally, after a hard work of getting them together, I could do a together hangout, with the girl, John and his GF, sadly it didn't go as I planned, with John's we still had the best-friend chemistry, sadly the girl almost completly ignored me, she never asked me anything and when I had a question specifically towards her, she barely gave an answer, while she was super talkative and fun towards John and his GF. It felt so bad. It still feels incredibly bad I can't tell. How I was ignored by someone I thought is a very good friend of mine, and she's an angel, she's just not interested in my anymore at all. Can't be worse right?
It can :). John and this girl friend decieded that they will celebrate new years at the girl's place and she decieded to invite me as well, I don't know why honestly, I am betting it was John getting me into it, becouse I wasn't invited to a similiar thing but just before christmas, it hurt again whatever, be happy I was invited this time. Well, she was playing the ignoring again, we were playing a board game, I usually play these very silly, I made John and his gf laugh ALOT, but this girl never, she always stared me with dead fish eyes, like if she would want to tell me to get the fuck out, and it feels so fucking bad. Worse comes to worse, she was incredibly welcoming, she was cooking, she made us feel very-very confortable, and I don't know why, I never felt like this, I started having feelings towards her. I talked about this with John after new years, and he was very happy, becouse he thought this girl likes me back, which I was obviously very hardly doubtful of, looking at how ignoring she was always in the last two hangouts, but he insisted it was just becouse she's nervous around me etc etc. Well he eventually convinced me to confess and.. guess what, she didn't like me back. I haven't talked to her, not even on messenger since the confession in february, I still talk to John sometimes, I even asked about the girl asking anything about where am I, or does she even remember me, but she doesn't say a single word about me, I am inrelevant to her and I want to pretend like I don't care about it, but I do, and I cry about it alot, how can she not care about me at all, not even as a friend, after all those dances, hangouts, drinkings, pool game nights, movie nights, trips, cavings. I miss 2021 more than anything
How can I improve to not care about this thing anymore and get rid of this hard feeling? The feeling that people don't care about me, not even my friends? The feeling that I am always alone, no matter what I do, not matter how much people I talk to, when it comes to serious plans, I am always alone? If I talk to many people, why do I still feel lonely? Why do my friends leave me out of their plans when they tell me they will invite me?? Why?
submitted by meepo23 to selfimprovement [link] [comments]

2023.05.28 02:36 GummiesAreFunny Three nights ago, my girlfriend moved back in with her parents after living with my mom and I for almost a year, I’m heartbroken.

This is a throwaway account, I’ve been having trouble getting this to post so hopefully it works this time.
TLDR: My girlfriend moved away after living with me for almost a year due to many circumstances and the long distance is leaving me lonely and sad.
For my feelings and the situations to make sense I’ll start from the beginning. I (F18) met my gf (F18) when high school started. We were really close freshman year but not anything romantic because she was with her now ex at the time. In our second year, we didn’t have similar classes so we weren’t as close, and she was also getting close with her now best friend at the time. In a personal moment of vulnerability for my gf that I won’t go into detail about during that year, she said she liked me. However, I did not ask her further about this because she was feeling mixed feelings about a lot of people and things and I didn’t want to overwhelm her. When the pandemic hit I didn’t speak to really anyone for a few months. Until Christmas of 2020 my aunt gifted me an iPad, and I was able to FaceTime with my friends because at the time I had a Samsung phone. My gf was one of the people I got closer to, and eventually in the summer she confessed she liked me once again, one thing lead to another and we were together. We finished high school, but her situation, especially with her mom was getting dire and unsafe, and also at that time, her best friend was living with her still being 17 after a long story of a not so safe home environment. I begged my mom to let them stay with us, as it would be her, my moms bf, my toddler brother, myself, my gf and her best friend, and that we would all do college. My gfs best friend did not want to leave with us because she did not want to leave her bf, as we were moving 2 hours away. After staying for two days, left to go stay with my gfs parents for a bit, and then got sent to live with relatives far away, and it wasn’t much of an improvement. My gf stayed with us since then, and we did college. She did good in college compared to myself, however she did not like the major she chose and wanted to switch. However, the only way to switch meant she had to have some requirements, and even then it’s not guaranteed based on limited space. The same program back where she used to live had less requirements and more space. My mom had also been going through some tough financial burdens as I’ve mentioned in a previous post but to sum it up, house issues, and family issues put a strain on her and her bfs relationship, so my mom does anything to make him happy so he doesn’t get up and leave her to struggle. Recently, we had gotten two kittens with my moms permission, one for her and her bf and one for my gf and I. We only had one litter box at the time since they were very small. My gf was visiting her grandma when we got them, and she was mad that they weren’t sleeping with me, and we ended up having a huge argument, which continued when she got back, she didn’t like that my mom wanted the kittens with her bf and wanted to separate them, but my mom didn’t want to do that. My mom layed it into me when I asked in private if we could negotiate something. I’ve always been appreciative of what she does for us, and I personally didn’t care, but my gf said I was always going to put my moms needs in-front of hers and I didn’t want to be one of those partners. My mom expressed that she feels like I do too much and she doesn’t do so much, which was true, as I didn’t want her to feel unwelcome or overwhelmed which happened anyway. My mom loves her as a person and loves her company but was feeling overwhelmed. She said she just wanted a bit of help and to just follow what she says. I went outside to clean and I cried because I hate confrontation and to be yelled at. When I went back to my room my gf said she was leaving. A lot of factors lead to her leaving but I guess this recent event was the final push. We had been petty fighting due to stress for a few months, and in these arguments she would threaten to move out and leave me. She said she still wanted to be with me even though she was now actually moving out. We eventually told my mom and she cried for a bit, but understood and said if she ever needed to come back she could. My gf packed and left 3 nights ago, we broke the news to my moms bf two nights ago, and was also sad but understood and said the same thing. I haven’t really had time to process, as two days ago we ran errands all day, then yesterday my mom has flown overseas for a week relating to the family issues, and I have to watch my toddler brother since plane tickets are expensive right now. I’m heartbroken, because we haven’t spoke much since she left, I still love her and I know we have both been busy. Her best friend now that she is 18 is going to live with her again with no issues so she can do school too. I feel isolated and lonely being so far away and without really anyone to talk to. I haven’t cried since she left, as I held them back as she was leaving, and can’t bring myself to cry in-front of my mom again. I couldn’t force her to stay though because if I loved her I have to be willing to let her go. Thank you for listening.
submitted by GummiesAreFunny to TrueOffMyChest [link] [comments]

2023.05.28 02:03 SpiritualAssociate35 I need help

I (14F) have been struggling since I was little child. I'm diagnosed with autistic spectrum disorder and schizoaffective disorder. They tried to hospitalise me multiple times but I couldn't allow it since my parents would straight up kill me and if I'm going to die, at least i will die with perfect grades and attendance.
My parents got divorced when I was 7, which isn't really important, but it's important to say that my mom left my dad because of how manipulative his family was. And I was left alone for them to raise me. Their only job was to make me look like the worst person alive.
I loved singing, I wasn't allowed to sing because it sounded horrible. I loved drawing, I wasn't allowed fo draw because it looked horrible. I wanted to try different hairstyle, I wasn't allowed to because it would look horrible.
Growing up I was always the daughter that had ugly hair, ugly eyebrows, no eyelashes, no talent for music, dumb and everything else.
By the time I was 9 I vacuumed 3 times a week, cleaned around the house every morning and afternoon, tutored my brother who was in 1st grade, cooked for myself while my grandma cooked for everyone else etc.
This isn't really my biggest problem, I don't think that my childhood was traumatic in any way maybe just little bit different. But now I'm teen, left alone to suffer.
The best thing in my life happened when I was 10, I met my best friend.
We shared a friend and would talk a lot in the comments, after maybe 1 month we finally started texting. She was always the person I admired the most. I always wanted to be her best friend, text her 24/7 and I wanted to grow up with her. We "officially" became best friends in 2021, she was the cool kid I was the ugly kid nobody wanted. I was afraid to go out with her because I felt too ugly for her, too fat, too socially awkward.
I made a mistake in May 2021. I went out with my brother and accidentally told her where, she just grabbed her things and it looked like she teleported to the park to meet me. I was okay after that, I found a group of friends and went out with them maybe 7 times during may-september. I got my first girlfriend, found new hobbies and many other things.
After September 2021 it only went downhill.
At the end of last year I noticed that somethings off. I realised that my best friend didn't care about what I said, would ignore me and spent more time with her other friends instead. When I asked her our, she took her friend with us (without informing me), when she asked me out, she took her friend with us. Last year we were together, alone, maybe 3 times.
I started being sad, because why did they matter to her more than I did if I was her best friend? Best friend means that I must be best of her friends, then why I'm not?
We have birthdays close to each other, that's why she thought that it will be good idea to celebrate together. It started out really good! I almost really felt like I was her best friend. We were suppose to spend the day together, then she said she's going to bring a friend (the same friend that was mentioned up), but at least she told me. It was okay, I always liked him after all, If I had to throw birthday party on my own I definitely would have invited him. Then she said that she will be bringing another friend, who I never met, and we were going to restaurant and her place afterwards. I gave her gifts, she opened it with them, we ate, we went to her place, they played video games while I sat on the floor by wall, I went home. Boom, heart shattered.
She always pays attention to other people, but never me. She never bothered to check on me, how I am feeling, what I ate, how I am doing at school... But I did! I asked her so many times but she liked my message and didn't respond. Boom, heart shattered again.
When I started ignoring her because I was so sick of myself, I realised that she's the only thing I have left. My cat died last November, and I have only one other friend that i sometimes text to but I never wanted to bother her with this.
After December I attempted multiple times, nothing really extreme, just hoping that it would mix in my stomach and I wouldn't wake up. Then I realised how silly that was, I'm just little I deserve to be alive after all. I threw up and wanted to text someone to be proud of me that I'm still alive! That's definitely a thing to be proud of. But then, who I am supposed to text if I have nobody.
I told her about it few times, actually the last time was this Tuesday, she just sent a photo of her and her classmate reading it together. Boom, heart doesn't even function at this point.
My first experience with eating disorders was during 2020, it was quarantine and I got even fatter. I saw on internet that if I will vomit after eating, I don't have to worry about eating.
It never helped, I lost big amount of weight. I can see my ribcage, but why do I still look fat? (PS: my post was once removed from another community because I was seeking attention, I just want to say that I am not and I don't care about validation, I don't care if someone will tell me that I don't look bad because that's not what I want zo hear, this is just informative information)
I can't go out, I cry everytime I see myself in mirror. Who is supposed to know this?
I will die and I will just be another of the kids that just wanted love and acceptance but never got it. My story will never be heard out. Nobody will know how many times I starved, how I'm not able to drink water because my throat is too damaged, how I'm hiding the scars on my thighs.
Every part of me kept on breaking apart slowly, my heart is suffering everytime I breathe.
The most important part, the reason why I'm here today.
Om Thursday I told my best friend that I want to tell her something really important, but I cant rn because she's on trip so I will wait till Saturday (today).
This afternoon I told her to stay awake at least until 11pm because I had to shower and sht.
At 10pm I told her that she needs to focus on me, and just me.
She answered half an hour later about her hair not being done.
I told myself okay, I will wait till its done then.
Its going to be 1am soon.
Did she just...forgot?
Even though I told her that this is really important?
Literally only thing I asked for this year?
She's my only happiness.
I wanted to tell her what Im telling you now. I will never bring this up again.
It there was some piece of my heart that was still okay, unscattered, it broke tonight.
But still, if she was in building full of fire, together will every person I ever met, including my family, I would go in no matter how big the fire is. Even if there wasn't any building, just ashes left, I would still go in, just to save her. I would protect her from everything, even if I would die in the fire. Guess that's what I'm doing now
submitted by SpiritualAssociate35 to SuicideWatch [link] [comments]

2023.05.28 01:01 ComputerMysterious58 UK Family visa or EUSS - not sure which to apply to

Hi, I'm a Brazilian citizen living in Portugal with my German husband who is a resident of the UK on a pre-settled VISA since 2020.
We've met in 2021 and got married in late 2022. I'm not sure if I'm eligible to apply to EUSS, as our relationship hasn't started 2 years before he moved. Is there an exception to this?
We're afraid we'll have to apply for the UK Family Visa - which is costly and we're unsure how long this would take to be issued, as I travel a lot and need to keep my passport.
Thank you!
submitted by ComputerMysterious58 to ukvisa [link] [comments]