Walmart cakes

i don’t cook a lot but i wanna learn how to make big meals and stuff so i can take the stress off my mom and sister. also i was in walmart at the bakery and j was looking at all the cakes and i was like wow that’s amazing i wish i could decorate cakes like that. i should definitely learn how to this summer

Vulgar - I watched this movie more than a few years ago. It starts with a younger couple who go out to a cabin to stay. They’re fairly close to a lake. They arrive at this cabin/house/motel. They go inside to check in & meet an older lady. This same older lady than takes a bath with a spoon. She puts this spoon in a place spoons don’t belong. She then bakes the couple a cake/food and brings it to them: setting this spoon on the plate.
This is a terrible, low cost production film. I’m almost certain it was in a $5 collection from Walmart. I’ve tried googling it, I’ve asked friends, nobody knows what I’m talking about.
Someone please tell me I’m not crazy.

Well, I was going to make my last day Monday, but mentally I can’t do it anymore y’all, so I’ve just been calling in and using whatever PPTO I have. I’m moving back home to TN and going back to call center work which I actually really enjoy personally. I had no issues with the first store I worked at, but the store I transferred to (all down here in the low country) killed me mentally. It started when I started in produce (coming from deli at my old store) and there was a girl who used to be an O/N TL that demoted herself to associate but still wore her TL badge and literally just yelled at me for anything and everything my first few days there and wouldn’t let me do my CBLs or train me so I was so clueless on what to do. She went off on me in front of all O/N once because I left early the day before (because she yelled at me for something else and I was just not here for it) and she never knew how to speak to me in a calm and professional manner. That was my first issue. Then I was offered to move back to deli (thank god) where I was still more frustrated than my old store because we were so understaffed but at least I had a clue what I was doing which made it not nearly as bad. But the icing on the cake that I have been sitting on the entire rest of the time……..we had an incident at our store that caused a customer to die. No fault of the store. I walked out for lunch right after the incident happened and witnessed all of the after math. I know a store isn’t going to shut down because a customer died on the property, but just knowing the customer was there while we continued business as usual made me feel shitty for that customer and their family…….I’ve dwelled on it since 😭😭😭😭 lastly, the thing that has really pissed me off……..our store has no problem with serving out of date (like, per the packaging label) food to customers……..I’ve worked food before in restaurants, I never participated in this, but watched as my coworkers did with compliant TL. I’d probably leave Walmart with a much better POV if I had never left my first store, but this store really just left a bad taste of Walmart in my mouth, and is why I refused to transfer to one back home in TN, because what if I end up at one much worse than this one? Any way, I still plan to hang in this sub because y’all are a cool bunch of people, and I really wish you all the best in your continued journey with Walmart. Once again, it’s nothing personal about Walmart, it’s just really this one store that ruined it for me 😭😭😭

Past few years, when our kids are done with their homeschool studies, we've jetted somewhere for a good week long vacation. We've done WDW with 2 kids in 2013, 3 kids in 2014, and 4 kids in 2018. 2019 we did a "California Adventure", with a few days in LA and a day at Disneyland, and then a NorCal stint to visit family. 2021 we jetted down and did a few days in Clearwater, and then Legoland, and then re-visited Legoland and Universal in December that year. We decided on WDW for 2023 mostly because all the shows were reopened - and we hate trying to battle lines and people the entire time. Didn't do a of reading up on this trip, other than for Genie+.
Couple of things we did differently than on other WDW trips:
1) We made the decision to stay off-site and rent a car. We have done a ton of traveling in the last few years, and my side consulting hustle has exploded in demand in the last couple years as well. Sleeping 6 at a WDW property is not cheap, and we typically only use the room to sleep, not to lounge and relax in during the day. In previous years, we were sort of frustrated with WDW transportation as well. Our previous stays were at Pop Century and Caribbean Beach, which typically had long wait times for transportation both to and from the parks, and the bus stops felt like the furthest away from the park entrance.
2) This would be the first trip we've made without a stroller. In our 2019 Disneyland day, that was done on a whim and we didn't bring a stroller with us, and decided not to rent one for the day and see how it went.
Our typical strategy for keeping things affordable and maximizing our time is to be at the park at rope drop, and then eating one meal that we kept in our backpacks, and another meal in the park. My kids rage in age from 14 down to 7. We decided in advance to do Genie+ for every single day other than our last day.
May 14 - Travel Day
We took a new airline out of our city, Avelo. Total cost with checked bags ended up being about $110 round trip per person. Airport is about 5 minutes from our house, and we breezed through TSA not only because we had precheck, but it's a small airport, so there was about 2 people in front of us when we got to security. We boarded early and took off early because everyone was checked in at around 6:15pm. Arrived in MCO 30 minutes ahead of schedule, picked up our Turo rental, and headed to the Home2 suites we booked on points near the outlet mall and the south I-Drive corridor. Headed to Walmart to pick various grocery items needed for the week. Avelo really was great, and we walked in not expecting much, but the service was really friendly, and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves.
May 15 - Epcot
We originally scheduled to do Epcot first because we didn't think we'd get in on time with the budget airline, or be able to breeze through check-in at the hotel. Originally, we thought we'd be getting groceries and entering the park closer to 10-11a, but instead, we were able to rope drop the park. We got boarding group 16 for Guardians, so we walked there first. Guardians is easily one of the best themed roller coasters I've ever been on 10/10. Enjoyed the entire thing from the standby line to the ride itself. Went and did Mission: Space, made me a little motion sick, my oldest daughter sat out with claustrophobic feelings. Our lightning lane for Remy was right after we got off Guardians, so we booked it back to France to do that. Again, fantastic ride, loved the new ride tech they're using now. Then we double backed to Canada and decided to do the family friendly "eat around the world", so we got a small poutine to share, and watched Far and Wide. Stopped in the UK to visit Mary Poppins for a quick second, got some chips, and then headed back to France for a crepe, and we watched the Beauty and the Beast sing-along. Stopped in Morocco for a kebab, and then got some teriyaki chicken in Japan. Headed to the US section, listened to the choral group, and sat through the animatronic show - and fell asleep a few times. Celebrated with a funnel cake. Then headed to Italy for some gelato, got a pretzel in Germany, and then our lightning lane was good for Frozen. Finished that, got some kind of dessert roll from Norway, and then went to the China pavilion for potstickers, meeting Mulan, and the 360 movie. Went into Mexico, rode the 3 caballeros, and concluded with some tacos and churros. Headed over to the Seas to do the Nemo ride, Turtle Talk, let the kids look at the fish, then went over to Soarin'. We were getting pretty tired at that point, so we scouted a spot outside of the Canada pavilion and sat down for about an hour. Got some glow stuff out that we brought with us, and let the kids do mad-libs and DIY pictionary for the balance of the time. Watched the fireworks and headed back to the hotel. Just over 9 miles of walking that day.
May 16 - Magic Kingdom
Woke up early, got group 36 for Tron, and booked a lightning lane for Peter Pan's flight. Ended up buying an ILL for Mine Train, and rope dropped Space Mountain at the last second - original plan was to rope drop Mine Train, but the ride was down early, so we had to change up our plan. By then my oldest daughter was having a slight anxiety attack over the change, so we did a time-out and did the carousel of progress to hopefully give her a little time to reset. That did not work, and she had a full on anxiety attack as we were entering the virtual queue for Tron. I ended up jumping out of line with her to sit with her, and get her hydrated and some food in her. That helped, and we waited for the rest of the family to finish. Once they were off, they all headed to Laugh Floor, while I went through the Tron line solo. As a lot of other people have commented, the theming for the ride was really well done, but I felt the ride itself was a disappointment because it was too short. I met everyone for our LL for Peter Pan. Walked across to It's a Small World, and then watched Philharmagic. Did a standby line for Enchanted Tales, and then our ILL for Mine Train was next. From there, we did a LL for the Ariel meet & greet, and then rode the Little Mermaid ride in the standby line. Rode the train over to Adventure Land, rode Big Thunder on LL, and then headed over to Magic Carpets, and then the Tiki Room. Got a LL for Pirates. Ate dinner at Pecos Bill's. Walked towards Tomorrowland via Haunted Mansion, then hit the teacups, and then divided and conquered as I took my older kids back to the Laugh Floor, while my younger ones did the speedway. By then our LL for Jungle Cruise was active, so we did that and then went over to Mine Train to walk on it twice while the fireworks were going. Closed out the day heading over to Winnie the Pooh, sat and let the throng of people go down a bit, and headed out of the park around 10:45. Around 11 miles walking total for the day.
May 17 - Hollywood Studios
Another early day. Got a LL for Slinky Dog, and rope dropped Rise, waited about 30 minutes total. Amazing experience all around. Walked up to Toy Story land and did swirling saucers, and then the LL for Slinky Dog. Got a LL for Toy Story Mania, but the track went down for maintenance as we were about to get on (more on that later). Decided to use the freebie LL for Smuggler's Run. Again, amazing experience. Took a break for lunch and blue milk. Went to the Frozen Sing-along, where my daughter decided to yell "puddle", got a LL for Runaway Railway and then went over to Star Tours, and then MuppetVision. By then we realized that technically we used our LL for Toy Story Mania, but never got on the ride, so we visited customer relations, and explained the situation, and they tossed a Toy Story Mania LL back on our party's plan. We took an ice cream break, and headed over to the Indiana Jones show. My wife wanted to do the Edna meet and greet, so we did that, and then finally got on Toy Story Mania. Most of my family concluded the day with dinner at Woody's Lunchbox, and one more trip on Smuggler's Run. One of my older daughters stuck with me in the park until about 9:15 jumping between Rise, Smuggler's, bounty hunting, and Toy Story mania. Another 11 miles walking for the day.
May 18 - Hollywood Studios (Day 2)
Rope dropped Slinky Dog on this day, hopped over to Toy Story Mania, and then went back to Slinky Dog. Swirling saucers, and then TSM again. Took a AC break in the Walt Disney movie, and then went over to the BB8 and Darth Vader meets. Then walked back over to Star Tours, and Smuggler's Run before having lunch at Mama Melrose's. Then did the Beauty and the Beast show, and then the Lightning McQueen racing school show. Had a LL for Runaway Railway, so walked back to the main portion of the park. By then, we wanted to kill time for a little bit, so we exited, and took the skyliner to Epcot and then came back to Hollywood Studios. Re-entered, did Star Tours, and then walked onto Rise. Then walked onto Smuggler's Run and was told that we got a top score by the cast member (didn't get a picture of the score). By then weather was a concern, so we went out and watched the projection show in the rain, rode Runaway Railway again, and then took an ice cream break while Fantasmic was cancelled for the first show, and then waited until about 10:15p until they called the 10:30p show. 10 miles of walking.
May 19 - Magic Kingdom (Day 2)
With all the rope dropping, we opted for a late start on this day. Booked a LL for Peter Pan's flight, and then got into the park around 10:15a, and headed back there. Did It's a Small World right after. Opted to go back onto Little Mermaid, and then got a LL for the FoF parade and had lunch, so we didn't have to fight for seats. Went back to Philharmagic, then did Big Thunder. Took the train over to the splash pad, rode Tron, and then walked to Pinocchio Village Haus for dinner. After that, we did our LL for Jungle Cruise, and then camped out for the fireworks while a subset of kids and my wife went on Space Mountain. Watched the fireworks and headed out. 7.6 miles walked.
May 20 - Animal Kingdom
We never have done either Avatar ride, so we rope dropped Flights (also amazing), and then Navi River. Walked up to Africa for the Lion King show - one of our favorites, and then a LL for the Safari, also one of our favorites. Walked the gorilla trek halfway before we were turned around for work being done. Most of the family went on Kali River Rapids, while I waited, and then we did Everest twice. Took a break for lunch, and then went to the Nemo show, another one of our favorites. Walked back to Africa for one more safari, then called it a day with dinner at Flame Tree BBQ. Went back to the hotel to do laundry and swimming. Ended up taking one of our kids to Disney Springs to hit World of Disney to pick up something that she was eying. 10 miles walked.
May 21 - Epcot (Day 1.5)
Checked out of our hotel, rope dropped Soarin, and then headed to the Seas for Turtle Talk x2, and some fish watching. Did the Joy and Vanellope meets, and then had lunch at Connections before heading out to MCO. My wife did a couple loops of World Showcase buying up some Christmas ornaments for the tree. 5 miles walked.
Overall thoughts
We had a pretty ambitious schedule, and no real huge hiccups. All of our kids really did well and there was minimal complaining about the heat after day 3. Parks were not very busy, and felt dead at times. Confirmed with many CM's that it was very slow that week - Star Wars land was almost a ghost town after 6pm both days we were there. Genie+ really enabled us to make more use of our time, and we got a ton of value for it. However, the ability to NOT be able to select a time further out in the future caused a lot of unnecessary walking and juggling of return times. We often would book one farther out in the future and hit low standby line time rides, but then once we got the first two out of our way, we would just book one and use it pretty much right away. In a way, the system is a lot more fair, and is closer to the MaxPass that Disneyland had when we visited, but we wish we could have the same Genie+ rules apply, but schedule a return time further ahead in the day. We would end up using it on rides that really didn't need LL, just to push our time forward for a ride that you wanted to use LL for that wasn't offering a return time that worked with what we were planning. The regular genie "service" was a joke and we never used it. For a family that has always used Disney on-site transportation, we were shocked at how much time was saved by driving our own vehicle. And by being in the park early, we got great spots and could be in our car about 5 minutes after leaving the park.
Animal Kingdom was by far the most disappointing park. The theming of each area is always been great, but we felt that there wasn't much there to tie it all together anymore. Park needs a ton of work to become magical. We even felt the rewrites of the Nemo show really actually hurt the show than helped it. The characters on the motor boats was laughable. Always felt that the park was very heavy-handed with the environmental message, but it just felt over the top now.
The rest of the parks were great. We didn't encounter any visitors that were giving CM's grief or generally being stupid, and we made sure to give plenty of kindness to the CM's who often get the short end of the stick. Felt really bad for the Kidcot CM for England who lost her voice, but still engaged with us the best she could, and appreciated us telling her to feel better soon. Had a really poor experience with many of the CM's from France, they were particularly rude and were disengaged. Told my wife maybe that's part of the theming of the French being rude to Americans, but I felt it was unnecessary. Our waitress at Mama Melrose's was absolutely a gem, made sure to keep us hydrated to stay out of heat exhaustion trouble, and brought me a kid's dessert since most everyone else at the table had a kid dessert as well.

I'm just going to type out some random stuff that's been bothering me lately.
The GOP national platform wants to protect businesses from having their "religious liberties" violated. They say that bakers shouldn't be forced to bake wedding cakes for gay people. OK, but are these very religious bakers being consistent when they apply God's laws? The gay stuff is buried in Leviticus, but the Ten Commandments say that adultery is a sin. Any type of sex outside of marriage is adultery. When a straight couple approaches him about a wedding cake, does he ask them if they're virgins? If they're not virgins, does he refuse to bake a cake for them because they have committed the sin of adultery? No, because then he'd only be making 3 cakes a year.
Yes, adultery is a big deal. It's in the top ten list. But, to lead a our country, let's choose a man who's been married three times and cheated on every once of his wives. He's bragged that between marriages, he had sex with so many women that it was like "Vietnam" wondering if he was going to get a deadly STI. Yes, adultery is one of the top ten sins, but let's just ignore it so this person can be in charge. God won't mind if we ignore this rule.
the Bible says that working on Sunday should be punishable by death. (Ouch!). Why are Walmart and McDonalds open on Sunday? Because if stores close on Sunday, they'll lose more than 15% of sales profits. Sunday is the biggest day for restaurants, especially Mother's Day. So, we'll just ignore that rule so that corporations can make more money. (Too bad for their wage slaves, though.) God won't mind if we disobey this rule.
The same section that says homosexuality is an abomination also says that it's a sin to wear clothes made of multiple fabrics. Have you ever tried to find an article of clothing at Walmart that is 100 percent cotton? It's hard. Most clothing is made of a blend of cotton and polyester. Why? Because it's cheaper that way, and the corporations can make more money. Since we all like paying "everyday low prices" at Walmart, we'll just ignore that rule about fabrics. God won't mind if we disobey this rule.
The same section of the Bible says that it's a sin to get a tattoo. 25 percent of the US population has a tattoo. I've even seen bible thumpers with tattoos of crosses. So...let's just ignore that rule too. Because tattoos look cool! God won't mind if we disobey this rule.
The Bible says that women should be a subservient helpmeet to a man and that they should be silent in government. If that's how God feels, then he can't be too happy with Marge Taylor and Lauren Bobert making a spectacle of themselves in Congress. But let's keep electing them anyway because they're bullies who upset people we don't like. God will understand if we ignore this rule. Maybe this rule is outdated because women were considered property when the Bible was written.
What about the gay rule. Maybe it's outdated too? Since the Bible was written, we've learned that people are born gay and they don't choose to be gay. Does God automatically hate 10 percent of people who are different due to the chance of birth? Maybe we should ignore this rule, too? NO. even though we're ignoring a lot of God's other rules, we will NOT ignore this rule. Because.... Because...?

Got married to my best friend over the weekend! And I was miserable the entire time! I think to an outside perspective it went off without any major bumps, but it was the most stressful and expensive day of my life and I have a lot of disappointments. Here’s what I wish I had done differently.
Had a makeup trial:
My MUA was incredible, but I don’t wear makeup ordinarily and I panicked when I saw myself in the mirror. She was so nice and redid my eyes and reapplied my individual lashes, but I didn’t budget enough time for it and I we ran late for first looks and subsequently my entire wedding ran behind schedule. The $90 I tried to save by skipping a trial was not worth it.
Illness contingency plan:
This may sound nuts, but I really wish I had planned ahead and had preemptively booked one of those anti nausea IV bags for the morning of my wedding. I hadn’t been hydrating enough the week before, and I had a few cocktails at my welcome party. I might have been ok if the day of my wedding didn’t end up hitting a high of 92F. I ended up with heat exhaustion, couldn’t keep any food down, and my husband ate at the sweet heart completely alone while I laid down in a backroom chugging electrolytes and Zofran. Even if you remember to stay hydrated, or don’t drink alcohol, you could still wind up with food poisoning the morning of. Hell, even if you wake up feeling good the IV bag will just make you feel better. Get the bag!! This honestly ended up being my biggest regret, I was too sick to enjoy my wedding at all.
Edit: I forgot the funniest part of this. So we had hired a great 8 piece Latin band for the reception. My husband and I tried to spend as much time as possible on the dance floor to lure people out despite the heat. By the end of the I night, when the dance floor finally filled up, I was so exhausted it looks like I’m doing the monster mash in all the vids
Spent more time planning the ceremony:
I spent a lot of time planning the wedding I’ve always wanted to be invited to, not participate in. So I spent a lot of time on the music and decor and food and drinks ( that I ended up too sick to eat) and completely shelved the ceremony until the last minute. As a result there was a lot of confusion, even with a coordinator. I was planning on working out the kinks during our rehearsal walkthrough, but our venue moved up the time and I wasn’t able to go because I had a prepaid salon appointment. I wish I had taken more time with my coordinator to come up with a script with detailed stage directions as plan B. And I wish my photographer had been there so we could have selected shots.
Make a Devil wears Prada type file of names and general info about my guests:
I had a small wedding, but a lot of the guests were distant relations or friends of my parents or husband that I hadn’t met before or seen in years. When I tried to make the rounds greeting guests during the cocktail hour, I stuck my foot in my mouth a couple of times mixing up names and faces. I wish I had made a little Amanda Miranda Priestly dossier of the guests and what I should remember about them ( names, kids names, occupations, where they live, etc.) and memorized it before hand.
Set aside a time to interact with everyone and let your photographer know to get candids of you talking with them:
This probably goes without saying for most people, but do try to talk with everyone at your wedding. I missed quite a few people because I was absent for so much of my reception, and the photographer was off taking pics of the dance floor when I did manage to talk to a few of them. I really regret not having a lot of pictures of me with my friends.
Set up a social schedule: Me and my husband haven’t been to a lot of weddings before and so we didn’t really realize how little time the bride and groom have to spend with their friends. For instance, we didn’t have bridal parties but I still hired a MUA for my mom and sister, so we got to spend some time hanging out while getting our hair done. My poor husband spent that time helping the coordinator load up the flowers and liquor and then got ready all alone 😭. We both regret not thinking to invite his friends over to hang out with him during that time.
It IS going to rain!!! Have a plan for it that will look good and not bankrupt you:
I got married in my dream venue and planned every detail of my wedding (dress, invites, flowers, cake) around it. The only issue: it’s an outdoor venue. And tents are ugly and surprisingly expensive. I had my fingers crossed until the day before the wedding, when the probability of rain hit 80%. The tents ended up costing more than the venue and they were complete eyesores. I regret not spending more time trying to find a better looking rain solution, and budgeting for it better.
Not leaving for the honeymoon the morning after:
We got married in a different city and had originally planned on staying at the venue overnight after the wedding. But our budget took such a hit on the tents that we just ended up crashing at the same rental as my family. On top of that we got bumped from our return flight so we had to hang out around their airbnb for a couple more days . I really could have used some time to decompress and I wish I had left my family with memories of me being cheerful and looking great, instead of grumpily moping on the couch in a grubby tee.
Telling coordinator to keep an eye out for family hijinks:
My SIL is a narcissist that loves negative attention. My coordinator had asked me about problem relatives before hand, but I had underestimated how bizarre my SILs behavior was going to be. She brought her (poorly behaved) dog to the ceremony after explicitly being told not to, and then tried to sneak him back in. My FIL went to take the dog back to their hotel and never came back, missing the entire reception.
Have a wedding favor, just so your mom won’t make some surprise ones:
My mom kept mentioning wedding favors, but it wasn’t in our budget and I haven’t seen a wedding favor that didn’t end up in the trash. My mom was undeterred and decided to surprise us with cookies as a favor, which might have been cute except she also decided to surprise the caterers and coordinator! She starting pushing cocktail tables together and spreading a bunch of greasy boxes and bags across them. To top it off, she had gone to Walmart and printed off hundreds of candid iPhone pics she has taken of my husband and I frowning and chewing over the years, and stuffed them in each bag!
In hindsight I’m sure it’ll be hilarious, but I’m a designer and I spent so much effort on all the aesthetics of my wedding. I made my own letterpress invites! I Pantone swatched the linens to match the trim of the venue! I spent 2 weeks searching for a rare anthurium!
And all my friends and family left my wedding with oily photo print outs of me picking my teeth at the Olive Garden 10 years ago 😭😂
Sooo, tell your mom you’re doing favors lol
Now on to what I did right:
Did my own flowers: I got them from a local farm and they were so much fresher than any I’ve seen from a florist, and I managed to make 6 bouquets and 15 centerpieces for about $400 the morning of. Your mileage may vary in this one but it was my favorite part of the wedding prep.
Hired a coordinator: A good coordinator is worth their weight in gold!! She kept me hydrated, pointed out errant dress straps to the photograph, and wrangled the tents for me last minute. I feel bad because I think I hired her when she was just starting out on her own and was lowballing herself, and my wedding ended up being such a pain.
TLDR; if it can go wrong it will go so plan ahead, and enlist professional help wherever possible (except for flowers 💐)

Shaun: We’re back with part 2 of the Tell-All. I’m your host, The Antler Queen, and on our stage is a whole mess of people we’re hoping pull the Queen of Hearts.
Production: Shaun, we agreed no *Yellowjackets* references until Gabe interrupts with bad advice.
Shaun: I’m having a premonition.
Nicole: I’m weeping.
Shaun: See, Nicole’s having one, too! Can you call Mahmoud and weep into the phone? We only allow a napkin corner of tears in the No-Cry Zone.
Nicole: Okay. I feel like a different show wouldn’t want me to call him, but —
Shaun: Nicole, we have all the ethics of *Cheaters* chasing someone buying baby formula around a Walmart parking lot. Of course we want you to call him.
Daniele: This is very triggering for me.
Shaun: Because Yohan doesn’t call enough? BWAHAHA! Oh, you’re serious. Jerry, bring me my mermaid bong.
Jerry: Nicole just took the mermaid bong into the bathroom with her cellphone.
Shaun: I said no mermaid belfies!
Jerry: I think it’s to breathe underwater.
Shaun: Sounds like the light hanging over dabs just turned green! I’m about to become Snoop Dog and Martha Stewart’s hosting baby.
Kris: I can help you with that, Shaun.
Shaun: Kris, I’m boarding the Good Ship Legal Pot, and you already set sail on the SS It’s a Prescription, and these boats don’t share a pier.
Debbie: If it’s a prescription that means a doctor wrote it!
Shaun: Okay, Debbie. Daniele, you were feelings?
Daniele: What makes a relationship is the ability to have difficult conversations, and it’s clear Mahmoud isn’t ready for that.
Shaun: Are “difficult conversations” the ones where you shout “enough” and suggest calling a relative who gives a fuck?
Jerry: Should we sprinkle some Pillow Talk fluff in so the audience doesn’t hear your butane?
Shaun: Yes, but don’t include anything witty. That always makes me hungry.
Nicole: Cries.
Shaun: Exactly.
Mahmoud: What the fuck shit why are you crying? (Throws chair.)
Kris: Mah injuries!
Nicole: I know honey but also honey. I’m sorry other people say things. I should have crawled inside their mouths and stolen their sound.
Mahmoud: I am strong I will be mean to everyone!
Yohan: I don’t understand. Who is fucking this man? What size shoes do you wear?
Mahmoud: Fucking shit (throws mic).
Nicole: I know I know. I’m trying to support you.
Mahmoud: I don’t see that even once.
Shaun: Is this a Julia Roberts movie? Can we get out of it? No? Good thing I wore my contacts with the abuse filter. Welcome back, Mahmoud!
Mahmoud: I want see what this fucking asshole wants.
Gabe: That’s probably me he’s talking about.
Shaun: Who do you see as your competition, Gabe?
Gabe: Look, my dad and step-mom are Muslim. Clearly they represent all Muslims, and this is about me.
Mahmoud: These are MY hypothetical children, and Gabe’s Main Character is not the father!
Nicole: I just want the world to be a better place, and I don’t want to join NXIVM, and I’m not going on a cooking show, and who is having babies?
Shaun: Shaun, Shaun, Shaun. These are your inside thoughts.
Mahmoud: You teach your kids how you teach your kids, you don’t force your kids.
Debbie: Hey Nicole, remember that nightmare you told me about a little while ago where a flamingo swallowed your head?
Nicole: Chicken. It was a pink chicken.
Debbie: Well cluck cluck, I’m coming in to roost.
Shaun: Are you okay, Nicole?
Nicole: I saw a wall of pink and then darkness. Is this marriage?
Shaun: Yes. Gabe how’s business?
Gabe: The other trans-specific underwear brands have favorable Trustpilot reviews, so insecure men are my target demographic now.
Shaun: Who’s the boss? Wait, really? Who did this to the card?
Gabe: Isabel is the boss.
Shaun: That line was funnier when Tony Danza said it.
Gabe: Isabel can still fall into a cake and get us back to romantic comedy.
Shaun: Nah, bring Trey out to wade into the least interesting part of your story.
Gabe: Aw schucks I’m in the middle again!
Shaun: Kris, is narcolepsy contagious, or is Trey like watching a muscle relaxer?
Trey: I’m not enough conflict to carry into another season, but I believe you’ll try.
Shaun: Hang on, I’m trying to card. Something about cows?
Jen: Yes?
Debbie: Rishi is a COWard.
Rishi: So?
Debbie: Where was your passion?
Rishi: Passion for what? Breaking up?
Gabe: You got to defend your woman, bro. Just face plant into a pillow and defend her like a motherfucker. Take that zero and call yourself a hero.
Rishi: I am feeling like not listening to you.
Jen: We’re not engaged.
Rishi: I consider her fiancee yes.
Jen: I mean, he’s NEVER going to move out of his mom’s house.
Shaun: Neither are you, Jen. What does this have to do with cows? Fuck it, let’s bring out Randi’s nipples and Myra’s opinions to audition for Pillow Talk.
Myra: Obvi Rishi is a cheater, obvi.
Randi: I said “show me a special part of you” and Rishi sent a shirtless pic to my catfishgram!
Daniele: Dick jokes!
Yohan: Thank you for reminding me of my value to you. Again.
Shaun: Randi, I have so many questions, and so little interest.
Randi: Clearly a cheater, clearly.
Debbie: Jen is a treasure!
Shaun: Debbie, those are words. You don’t have to use them.
Debbie: But what if they pop in my head!
Shaun: They can exist as a floating thought-bubble that we don’t have to read.
Debbie: Well Rishi strikes me as a very slippery character!
Shaun: It’s the brown, isn’t it? Just say it’s the brown.
Daniele: It’s not fair to assume Rishi’s cheating just because he’s hot. As someone with experience dating hot men, I know sometimes they just give up.
Myra: We did an informal census of Jaipur before drawing conclusions we already had, based on the only sounds we hear.
Gabe: It should come as no surprise that I have bad advice for this.
Shaun: RISHI’S MOM NOT GABE, what do you think about Jen?
Rishi’s mom: She’s fine.
Jen: SQUAWK!
Shaun: Tell me, if I were listening, what would I say right here?
Rishi: Mom, I’m going to marry Jen. In maybe like, 6 months or something.
Rishi’s mom: Never? Sure.
Shaun: Myra and Randi, someone said you have thoughts? Convince me.
Randi: Oussama, you’re an asshole.
Shaun: I’ll allow it. Myra, you got anything?
Myra: Daniele carries Yohan’s balls in her purse.
Daniele: First of all, my purse is very heavy, and second, I ask him to carry it all the time.
Shaun: This card just says: Old?
Jen: It’s uncouth and cold to bring up my age.
Shaun: Oh! Jen’s old! Now I get it! Daniele, people have been blowing up social media asking about the bedroom challenges faced by giants mating with hobbits. Do you both have enormous feet?
Daniele: Yohan’s really strong and I’m really flexible.
Shaun: You’re like waist-high?
Yohan: Exactly, Shaun.
Debbie: I’ve got bad news for Yohan. You’re always gonna be known as the guy with the big ding-dong.
Shaun: That’s not a curse, Debbie.
Yohan: What are your thoughts on dating men younger than your children?
Debbie: I’m not attracted to young men. I just want to marry them.
Gabe: OKAY GUYS, I’ll talk about me. I gave way too many details about the creation of my penis.
Daniele: Not to people who weren’t paying attention!
Gabe: I put the penis in the vagina. Orgasm go boom.
Daniele: Women ejaculate?
Shaun: This is another Everest moment, isn’t it?
Gabe: To be fair, maybe she doesn’t have the internet in NYC.
Daniele: And they made your penis like how women take fat from their thighs and put it into their asses?
Gabe: I just gave a whole explanation on prosthetic creation AGAIN, and all you got was thigh? I couldn’t pee for nine months!
Daniele: Look, I took early retirement from teaching, and no one tried to stop me.
Shaun: Okay guys, someone drew a rolled-eyes emoji on this card, so I assume that means I need to ask Kris how many accidents she had on the way to the studio?
Kris: So many, Shaun, including one where my vehicle cartwheeled through space and time and I nearly lost my past and future lives to the metaverse. Jeymi’s fault.
Shaun: Let’s take a look back on that time Jeymi raised her voice to the level Kris uses as a greeting. I feel like there’s some violence I should point out, but nah.
Kris: I deal with anger by leaving. If you try to stop me, I rage.
Mahmoud: Exactly!
Gabe: Is that a side-effect of narcolepsy, or all the head injuries?
Kris: Jeymi.
Jeymi: I fell in love with someone who did not exist. Can we go back to when she is shoving me from the van because I questioned why she thought two weeks was five months?
Shauna: Kris, what’s DARVO again?
Kris: How much did I say I could pay, Jeymi? $450. How much is the rent? $550. I’m working day and night, and all I get from her is that she expects us to share a continent.
Shaun: Kris, in the land of your people, what sort of labor are you performing day and night that leaves you $550 shy of $550?
Jeymi: All I got was one rent payment and a throwing-star, and I have proof.
Kris: She’s talking about my old bank, not my bank-bank, which totally funded some funds, but then JEYMI was all, and so my mama sent it to her, and it’s not my fault if technology problems are a struggle to a senior.
Shaun: Didn’t you tell your mom you sent $1K?
Kris: I probably sent Jeymi $10K.
Shaun: If you’re working day and night for $550 a month, how the fuck did you send her $10K? Jerry, can you bring out my abacus.
Kris: I already told you about time travel accidents, Shaun.
Shaun: Kris, no one believes you sent $10K. Wait, Debbie?
Debbie: There is a giver and a taker, and Jeymi is the taker. THE PREDATOR.
Shaun: It’s because she’s brown, right?
Debbie: Well I did use the word *predator,* didn’t I? And that word is on my vision board!
Kris: Everything I did while I was away was for her!
Shaun: For Debbie? I thought it was all for your son, who had legal problems?
Kris: But see when I found out Jeymi was CHEATING for the second — no, THIRD time, she KNEW about my SO KEEP PLAYING THE VICTIM BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE GOOD AT!
Shaun: This is enough DARVO to gas a sociology class, Kris. You’re wearing DARVOlogy, for Women. Sorry, that’s the dabs.
Gabe: You just, like, left her with all those expenses, and didn’t come back.
Jeymi: Now I have so much debt!
Kris: I would have paid her debt! I would still help her move!
Shaun: You’d help her move from the place she has to leave because you didn’t pay, but resent that she expected you to pay after you told her to quit her job? Yep, there’s nothing on this card directing me to why you were the one flouncing to the van, exactly. Are these my inside thoughts, or my outside thoughts Jerry?
Jerry: They’re not your thoughts, Shaun.
Shaun: Right. Jeymi, do you want to reclaim your rightful flounce?
Nicole: I’m getting lost in the details.
Shaun: Oh, those aren’t details, Nicole. Now, what did you pry out of Chuck E. Cheese’s cold, dead paw, Kris?
Kris: This here is my phone. I’m going to stare at it like there’s something incriminating. DON’T LOOK AT MY FACE! Here! It’s not in English, but I know what this says!
Shaun: Jeymi, did you cheat on Kris twice?
Kris: Three times!
Jeymi: Once. She looped it three times to tie ribbon around this bullshit package!
Shaun: What’s making you so emotional Kris?
Jeymi: Yes, why are your tears? I was the one sent photos of Kris having sex by her ex!
Kris: I’m not sure where to pivot next, but I feel a court coming on…
Debbie: I’m sure your son is a PATRIOT!
Shaun: I’m sure of something else.
NEXT TIME: Gabe suggests Nicole find an attorney that matches her marriage, Kris lets her rat phone swallow her receipts, Monica turns her back on curly hair, Jen still can’t believe lying about her age doesn’t halt its progression, Yohan has an opinion, which leaves Daniele no choice but divorce, because communication is important.
THANK YOU, PATREON SUPPORTERS!Shaun: We’re back with part 2 of the Tell-All. I’m your host, The Antler Queen, and on our stage is a whole mess of people we’re hoping pull the Queen of Hearts.
Production: Shaun, we agreed no *Yellowjackets* references until Gabe interrupts with bad advice.
Shaun: I’m having a premonition.
Nicole: I’m weeping.
Shaun: See, Nicole’s having one, too! Can you call Mahmoud and weep into the phone? We only allow a napkin corner of tears in the No-Cry Zone.
Nicole: Okay. I feel like a different show wouldn’t want me to call him, but —
Shaun: Nicole, we have all the ethics of *Cheaters* chasing someone buying baby formula around a Walmart parking lot. Of course we want you to call him.
Daniele: This is very triggering for me.
Shaun: Because Yohan doesn’t call enough? BWAHAHA! Oh, you’re serious. Jerry, bring me my mermaid bong.
Jerry: Nicole just took the mermaid bong into the bathroom with her cellphone.
Shaun: I said no mermaid belfies!
Jerry: I think it’s to breathe underwater.
Shaun: Sounds like the light hanging over dabs just turned green! I’m about to become Snoop Dog and Martha Stewart’s hosting baby.
Kris: I can help you with that, Shaun.
Shaun: Kris, I’m boarding the Good Ship Legal Pot, and you already set sail on the SS It’s a Prescription, and these boats don’t share a pier.
Debbie: If it’s a prescription that means a doctor wrote it!
Shaun: Okay, Debbie. Daniele, you were feelings?
Daniele: What makes a relationship is the ability to have difficult conversations, and it’s clear Mahmoud isn’t ready for that.
Shaun: Are “difficult conversations” the ones where you shout “enough” and suggest calling a relative who gives a fuck?
Jerry: Should we sprinkle some Pillow Talk fluff in so the audience doesn’t hear your butane?
Shaun: Yes, but don’t include anything witty. That always makes me hungry.
Nicole: Cries.
Shaun: Exactly.
Mahmoud: What the fuck shit why are you crying? (Throws chair.)
Kris: Mah injuries!
Nicole: I know honey but also honey. I’m sorry other people say things. I should have crawled inside their mouths and stolen their sound.
Mahmoud: I am strong I will be mean to everyone!
Yohan: I don’t understand. Who is fucking this man? What size shoes do you wear?
Mahmoud: Fucking shit (throws mic).
Nicole: I know I know. I’m trying to support you.
Mahmoud: I don’t see that even once.
Shaun: Is this a Julia Roberts movie? Can we get out of it? No? Good thing I wore my contacts with the abuse filter. Welcome back, Mahmoud!
Mahmoud: I want see what this fucking asshole wants.
Gabe: That’s probably me he’s talking about.
Shaun: Who do you see as your competition, Gabe?
Gabe: Look, my dad and step-mom are Muslim. Clearly they represent all Muslims, and this is about me.
Mahmoud: These are MY hypothetical children, and Gabe’s Main Character is not the father!
Nicole: I just want the world to be a better place, and I don’t want to join NXIVM, and I’m not going on a cooking show, and who is having babies?
Shaun: Shaun, Shaun, Shaun. These are your inside thoughts.
Mahmoud: You teach your kids how you teach your kids, you don’t force your kids.
Debbie: Hey Nicole, remember that nightmare you told me about a little while ago where a flamingo swallowed your head?
Nicole: Chicken. It was a pink chicken.
Debbie: Well cluck cluck, I’m coming in to roost.
Shaun: Are you okay, Nicole?
Nicole: I saw a wall of pink and then darkness. Is this marriage?
Shaun: Yes. Gabe how’s business?
Gabe: The other trans-specific underwear brands have favorable Trustpilot reviews, so insecure men are my target demographic now.
Shaun: Who’s the boss? Wait, really? Who did this to the card?
Gabe: Isabel is the boss.
Shaun: That line was funnier when Tony Danza said it.
Gabe: Isabel can still fall into a cake and get us back to romantic comedy.
Shaun: Nah, bring Trey out to wade into the least interesting part of your story.
Gabe: Aw schucks I’m in the middle again!
Shaun: Kris, is narcolepsy contagious, or is Trey like watching a muscle relaxer?
Trey: I’m not enough conflict to carry into another season, but I believe you’ll try.
Shaun: Hang on, I’m trying to card. Something about cows?
Jen: Yes?
Debbie: Rishi is a COWard.
Rishi: So?
Debbie: Where was your passion?
Rishi: Passion for what? Breaking up?
Gabe: You got to defend your woman, bro. Just face plant into a pillow and defend her like a motherfucker. Take that zero and call yourself a hero.
Rishi: I am feeling like not listening to you.
Jen: We’re not engaged.
Rishi: I consider her fiancee yes.
Jen: I mean, he’s NEVER going to move out of his mom’s house.
Shaun: Neither are you, Jen. What does this have to do with cows? Fuck it, let’s bring out Randi’s nipples and Myra’s opinions to audition for Pillow Talk.
Myra: Obvi Rishi is a cheater, obvi.
Randi: I said “show me a special part of you” and Rishi sent a shirtless pic to my catfishgram!
Daniele: Dick jokes!
Yohan: Thank you for reminding me of my value to you. Again.
Shaun: Randi, I have so many questions, and so little interest.
Randi: Clearly a cheater, clearly.
Debbie: Jen is a treasure!
Shaun: Debbie, those are words. You don’t have to use them.
Debbie: But what if they pop in my head!
Shaun: They can exist as a floating thought-bubble that we don’t have to read.
Debbie: Well Rishi strikes me as a very slippery character!
Shaun: It’s the brown, isn’t it? Just say it’s the brown.
Daniele: It’s not fair to assume Rishi’s cheating just because he’s hot. As someone with experience dating hot men, I know sometimes they just give up.
Myra: We did an informal census of Jaipur before drawing conclusions we already had, based on the only sounds we hear.
Gabe: It should come as no surprise that I have bad advice for this.
Shaun: RISHI’S MOM NOT GABE, what do you think about Jen?
Rishi’s mom: She’s fine.
Jen: SQUAWK!
Shaun: Tell me, if I were listening, what would I say right here?
Rishi: Mom, I’m going to marry Jen. In maybe like, 6 months or something.
Rishi’s mom: Never? Sure.
Shaun: Myra and Randi, someone said you have thoughts? Convince me.
Randi: Oussama, you’re an asshole.
Shaun: I’ll allow it. Myra, you got anything?
Myra: Daniele carries Yohan’s balls in her purse.
Daniele: First of all, my purse is very heavy, and second, I ask him to carry it all the time.
Shaun: This card just says: Old?
Jen: It’s uncouth and cold to bring up my age.
Shaun: Oh! Jen’s old! Now I get it! Daniele, people have been blowing up social media asking about the bedroom challenges faced by giants mating with hobbits. Do you both have enormous feet?
Daniele: Yohan’s really strong and I’m really flexible.
Shaun: You’re like waist-high?
Yohan: Exactly, Shaun.
Debbie: I’ve got bad news for Yohan. You’re always gonna be known as the guy with the big ding-dong.
Shaun: That’s not a curse, Debbie.
Yohan: What are your thoughts on dating men younger than your children?
Debbie: I’m not attracted to young men. I just want to marry them.
Gabe: OKAY GUYS, I’ll talk about me. I gave way too many details about the creation of my penis.
Daniele: Not to people who weren’t paying attention!
Gabe: I put the penis in the vagina. Orgasm go boom.
Daniele: Women ejaculate?
Shaun: This is another Everest moment, isn’t it?
Gabe: To be fair, maybe she doesn’t have the internet in NYC.
Daniele: And they made your penis like how women take fat from their thighs and put it into their asses?
Gabe: I just gave a whole explanation on prosthetic creation AGAIN, and all you got was thigh? I couldn’t pee for nine months!
Daniele: Look, I took early retirement from teaching, and no one tried to stop me.
Shaun: Okay guys, someone drew a rolled-eyes emoji on this card, so I assume that means I need to ask Kris how many accidents she had on the way to the studio?
Kris: So many, Shaun, including one where my vehicle cartwheeled through space and time and I nearly lost my past and future lives to the metaverse. Jeymi’s fault.
Shaun: Let’s take a look back on that time Jeymi raised her voice to the level Kris uses as a greeting. I feel like there’s some violence I should point out, but nah.
Kris: I deal with anger by leaving. If you try to stop me, I rage.
Mahmoud: Exactly!
Gabe: Is that a side-effect of narcolepsy, or all the head injuries?
Kris: Jeymi.
Jeymi: I fell in love with someone who did not exist. Can we go back to when she is shoving me from the van because I questioned why she thought two weeks was five months?
Shauna: Kris, what’s DARVO again?
Kris: How much did I say I could pay, Jeymi? $450. How much is the rent? $550. I’m working day and night, and all I get from her is that she expects us to share a continent.
Shaun: Kris, in the land of your people, what sort of labor are you performing day and night that leaves you $550 shy of $550?
Jeymi: All I got was one rent payment and a throwing-star, and I have proof.
Kris: She’s talking about my old bank, not my bank-bank, which totally funded some funds, but then JEYMI was all, and so my mama sent it to her, and it’s not my fault if technology problems are a struggle to a senior.
Shaun: Didn’t you tell your mom you sent $1K?
Kris: I probably sent Jeymi $10K.
Shaun: If you’re working day and night for $550 a month, how the fuck did you send her $10K? Jerry, can you bring out my abacus.
Kris: I already told you about time travel accidents, Shaun.
Shaun: Kris, no one believes you sent $10K. Wait, Debbie?
Debbie: There is a giver and a taker, and Jeymi is the taker. THE PREDATOR.
Shaun: It’s because she’s brown, right?
Debbie: Well I did use the word *predator,* didn’t I? And that word is on my vision board!
Kris: Everything I did while I was away was for her!
Shaun: For Debbie? I thought it was all for your son, who had legal problems?
Kris: But see when I found out Jeymi was CHEATING for the second — no, THIRD time, she KNEW about my SO KEEP PLAYING THE VICTIM BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE GOOD AT!
Shaun: This is enough DARVO to gas a sociology class, Kris. You’re wearing DARVOlogy, for Women. Sorry, that’s the dabs.
Gabe: You just, like, left her with all those expenses, and didn’t come back.
Jeymi: Now I have so much debt!
Kris: I would have paid her debt! I would still help her move!
Shaun: You’d help her move from the place she has to leave because you didn’t pay, but resent that she expected you to pay after you told her to quit her job? Yep, there’s nothing on this card directing me to why you were the one flouncing to the van, exactly. Are these my inside thoughts, or my outside thoughts Jerry?
Jerry: They’re not your thoughts, Shaun.
Shaun: Right. Jeymi, do you want to reclaim your rightful flounce?
Nicole: I’m getting lost in the details.
Shaun: Oh, those aren’t details, Nicole. Now, what did you pry out of Chuck E. Cheese’s cold, dead paw, Kris?
Kris: This here is my phone. I’m going to stare at it like there’s something incriminating. DON’T LOOK AT MY FACE! Here! It’s not in English, but I know what this says!
Shaun: Jeymi, did you cheat on Kris twice?
Kris: Three times!
Jeymi: Once. She looped it three times to tie ribbon around this bullshit package!
Shaun: What’s making you so emotional Kris?
Jeymi: Yes, why are your tears? I was the one sent photos of Kris having sex by her ex!
Kris: I’m not sure where to pivot next, but I feel a court coming on…
Debbie: I’m sure your son is a PATRIOT!
Shaun: I’m sure of something else.
NEXT TIME: Gabe suggests Nicole find an attorney that matches her marriage, Kris lets her rat phone swallow her receipts, Monica turns her back on curly hair, Jen still can’t believe lying about her age doesn’t halt its progression, Yohan has an opinion, which leaves Daniele no choice but divorce, because communication is important.
THANK YOU, PATREON SUPPORTERS!

Shaun: We’re back with part 2 of the Tell-All. I’m your host, The Antler Queen, and on our stage is a whole mess of people we’re hoping pull the Queen of Hearts.
Production: Shaun, we agreed no *Yellowjackets* references until Gabe interrupts with bad advice.
Shaun: I’m having a premonition.
Nicole: I’m weeping.
Shaun: See, Nicole’s having one, too! Can you call Mahmoud and weep into the phone? We only allow a napkin corner of tears in the No-Cry Zone.
Nicole: Okay. I feel like a different show wouldn’t want me to call him, but —
Shaun: Nicole, we have all the ethics of *Cheaters* chasing someone buying baby formula around a Walmart parking lot. Of course we want you to call him.
Daniele: This is very triggering for me.
Shaun: Because Yohan doesn’t call enough? BWAHAHA! Oh, you’re serious. Jerry, bring me my mermaid bong.
Jerry: Nicole just took the mermaid bong into the bathroom with her cellphone.
Shaun: I said no mermaid belfies!
Jerry: I think it’s to breathe underwater.
Shaun: Sounds like the light hanging over dabs just turned green! I’m about to become Snoop Dog and Martha Stewart’s hosting baby.
Kris: I can help you with that, Shaun.
Shaun: Kris, I’m boarding the Good Ship Legal Pot, and you already set sail on the SS It’s a Prescription, and these boats don’t share a pier.
Debbie: If it’s a prescription that means a doctor wrote it!
Shaun: Okay, Debbie. Daniele, you were feelings?
Daniele: What makes a relationship is the ability to have difficult conversations, and it’s clear Mahmoud isn’t ready for that.
Shaun: Are “difficult conversations” the ones where you shout “enough” and suggest calling a relative who gives a fuck?
Jerry: Should we sprinkle some Pillow Talk fluff in so the audience doesn’t hear your butane?
Shaun: Yes, but don’t include anything witty. That always makes me hungry.
Nicole: Cries.
Shaun: Exactly.
Mahmoud: What the fuck shit why are you crying? (Throws chair.)
Kris: Mah injuries!
Nicole: I know honey but also honey. I’m sorry other people say things. I should have crawled inside their mouths and stolen their sound.
Mahmoud: I am strong I will be mean to everyone!
Yohan: I don’t understand. Who is fucking this man? What size shoes do you wear?
Mahmoud: Fucking shit (throws mic).
Nicole: I know I know. I’m trying to support you.
Mahmoud: I don’t see that even once.
Shaun: Is this a Julia Roberts movie? Can we get out of it? No? Good thing I wore my contacts with the abuse filter. Welcome back, Mahmoud!
Mahmoud: I want see what this fucking asshole wants.
Gabe: That’s probably me he’s talking about.
Shaun: Who do you see as your competition, Gabe?
Gabe: Look, my dad and step-mom are Muslim. Clearly they represent all Muslims, and this is about me.
Mahmoud: These are MY hypothetical children, and Gabe’s Main Character is not the father!
Nicole: I just want the world to be a better place, and I don’t want to join NXIVM, and I’m not going on a cooking show, and who is having babies?
Shaun: Shaun, Shaun, Shaun. These are your inside thoughts.
Mahmoud: You teach your kids how you teach your kids, you don’t force your kids.
Debbie: Hey Nicole, remember that nightmare you told me about a little while ago where a flamingo swallowed your head?
Nicole: Chicken. It was a pink chicken.
Debbie: Well cluck cluck, I’m coming in to roost.
Shaun: Are you okay, Nicole?
Nicole: I saw a wall of pink and then darkness. Is this marriage?
Shaun: Yes. Gabe how’s business?
Gabe: The other trans-specific underwear brands have favorable Trustpilot reviews, so insecure men are my target demographic now.
Shaun: Who’s the boss? Wait, really? Who did this to the card?
Gabe: Isabel is the boss.
Shaun: That line was funnier when Tony Danza said it.
Gabe: Isabel can still fall into a cake and get us back to romantic comedy.
Shaun: Nah, bring Trey out to wade into the least interesting part of your story.
Gabe: Aw schucks I’m in the middle again!
Shaun: Kris, is narcolepsy contagious, or is Trey like watching a muscle relaxer?
Trey: I’m not enough conflict to carry into another season, but I believe you’ll try.
Shaun: Hang on, I’m trying to card. Something about cows?
Jen: Yes?
Debbie: Rishi is a COWard.
Rishi: So?
Debbie: Where was your passion?
Rishi: Passion for what? Breaking up?
Gabe: You got to defend your woman, bro. Just face plant into a pillow and defend her like a motherfucker. Take that zero and call yourself a hero.
Rishi: I am feeling like not listening to you.
Jen: We’re not engaged.
Rishi: I consider her fiancee yes.
Jen: I mean, he’s NEVER going to move out of his mom’s house.
Shaun: Neither are you, Jen. What does this have to do with cows? Fuck it, let’s bring out Randi’s nipples and Myra’s opinions to audition for Pillow Talk.
Myra: Obvi Rishi is a cheater, obvi.
Randi: I said “show me a special part of you” and Rishi sent a shirtless pic to my catfishgram!
Daniele: Dick jokes!
Yohan: Thank you for reminding me of my value to you. Again.
Shaun: Randi, I have so many questions, and so little interest.
Randi: Clearly a cheater, clearly.
Debbie: Jen is a treasure!
Shaun: Debbie, those are words. You don’t have to use them.
Debbie: But what if they pop in my head!
Shaun: They can exist as a floating thought-bubble that we don’t have to read.
Debbie: Well Rishi strikes me as a very slippery character!
Shaun: It’s the brown, isn’t it? Just say it’s the brown.
Daniele: It’s not fair to assume Rishi’s cheating just because he’s hot. As someone with experience dating hot men, I know sometimes they just give up.
Myra: We did an informal census of Jaipur before drawing conclusions we already had, based on the only sounds we hear.
Gabe: It should come as no surprise that I have bad advice for this.
Shaun: RISHI’S MOM NOT GABE, what do you think about Jen?
Rishi’s mom: She’s fine.
Jen: SQUAWK!
Shaun: Tell me, if I were listening, what would I say right here?
Rishi: Mom, I’m going to marry Jen. In maybe like, 6 months or something.
Rishi’s mom: Never? Sure.
Shaun: Myra and Randi, someone said you have thoughts? Convince me.
Randi: Oussama, you’re an asshole.
Shaun: I’ll allow it. Myra, you got anything?
Myra: Daniele carries Yohan’s balls in her purse.
Daniele: First of all, my purse is very heavy, and second, I ask him to carry it all the time.
Shaun: This card just says: Old?
Jen: It’s uncouth and cold to bring up my age.
Shaun: Oh! Jen’s old! Now I get it! Daniele, people have been blowing up social media asking about the bedroom challenges faced by giants mating with hobbits. Do you both have enormous feet?
Daniele: Yohan’s really strong and I’m really flexible.
Shaun: You’re like waist-high?
Yohan: Exactly, Shaun.
Debbie: I’ve got bad news for Yohan. You’re always gonna be known as the guy with the big ding-dong.
Shaun: That’s not a curse, Debbie.
Yohan: What are your thoughts on dating men younger than your children?
Debbie: I’m not attracted to young men. I just want to marry them.
Gabe: OKAY GUYS, I’ll talk about me. I gave way too many details about the creation of my penis.
Daniele: Not to people who weren’t paying attention!
Gabe: I put the penis in the vagina. Orgasm go boom.
Daniele: Women ejaculate?
Shaun: This is another Everest moment, isn’t it?
Gabe: To be fair, maybe she doesn’t have the internet in NYC.
Daniele: And they made your penis like how women take fat from their thighs and put it into their asses?
Gabe: I just gave a whole explanation on prosthetic creation AGAIN, and all you got was thigh? I couldn’t pee for nine months!
Daniele: Look, I took early retirement from teaching, and no one tried to stop me.
Shaun: Okay guys, someone drew a rolled-eyes emoji on this card, so I assume that means I need to ask Kris how many accidents she had on the way to the studio?
Kris: So many, Shaun, including one where my vehicle cartwheeled through space and time and I nearly lost my past and future lives to the metaverse. Jeymi’s fault.
Shaun: Let’s take a look back on that time Jeymi raised her voice to the level Kris uses as a greeting. I feel like there’s some violence I should point out, but nah.
Kris: I deal with anger by leaving. If you try to stop me, I rage.
Mahmoud: Exactly!
Gabe: Is that a side-effect of narcolepsy, or all the head injuries?
Kris: Jeymi.
Jeymi: I fell in love with someone who did not exist. Can we go back to when she is shoving me from the van because I questioned why she thought two weeks was five months?
Shauna: Kris, what’s DARVO again?
Kris: How much did I say I could pay, Jeymi? $450. How much is the rent? $550. I’m working day and night, and all I get from her is that she expects us to share a continent.
Shaun: Kris, in the land of your people, what sort of labor are you performing day and night that leaves you $550 shy of $550?
Jeymi: All I got was one rent payment and a throwing-star, and I have proof.
Kris: She’s talking about my old bank, not my bank-bank, which totally funded some funds, but then JEYMI was all, and so my mama sent it to her, and it’s not my fault if technology problems are a struggle to a senior.
Shaun: Didn’t you tell your mom you sent $1K?
Kris: I probably sent Jeymi $10K.
Shaun: If you’re working day and night for $550 a month, how the fuck did you send her $10K? Jerry, can you bring out my abacus.
Kris: I already told you about time travel accidents, Shaun.
Shaun: Kris, no one believes you sent $10K. Wait, Debbie?
Debbie: There is a giver and a taker, and Jeymi is the taker. THE PREDATOR.
Shaun: It’s because she’s brown, right?
Debbie: Well I did use the word *predator,* didn’t I? And that word is on my vision board!
Kris: Everything I did while I was away was for her!
Shaun: For Debbie? I thought it was all for your son, who had legal problems?
Kris: But see when I found out Jeymi was CHEATING for the second — no, THIRD time, she KNEW about my SO KEEP PLAYING THE VICTIM BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE GOOD AT!
Shaun: This is enough DARVO to gas a sociology class, Kris. You’re wearing DARVOlogy, for Women. Sorry, that’s the dabs.
Gabe: You just, like, left her with all those expenses, and didn’t come back.
Jeymi: Now I have so much debt!
Kris: I would have paid her debt! I would still help her move!
Shaun: You’d help her move from the place she has to leave because you didn’t pay, but resent that she expected you to pay after you told her to quit her job? Yep, there’s nothing on this card directing me to why you were the one flouncing to the van, exactly. Are these my inside thoughts, or my outside thoughts Jerry?
Jerry: They’re not your thoughts, Shaun.
Shaun: Right. Jeymi, do you want to reclaim your rightful flounce?
Nicole: I’m getting lost in the details.
Shaun: Oh, those aren’t details, Nicole. Now, what did you pry out of Chuck E. Cheese’s cold, dead paw, Kris?
Kris: This here is my phone. I’m going to stare at it like there’s something incriminating. DON’T LOOK AT MY FACE! Here! It’s not in English, but I know what this says!
Shaun: Jeymi, did you cheat on Kris twice?
Kris: Three times!
Jeymi: Once. She looped it three times to tie ribbon around this bullshit package!
Shaun: What’s making you so emotional Kris?
Jeymi: Yes, why are your tears? I was the one sent photos of Kris having sex by her ex!
Kris: I’m not sure where to pivot next, but I feel a court coming on…
Debbie: I’m sure your son is a PATRIOT!
Shaun: I’m sure of something else.
NEXT TIME: Gabe suggests Nicole find an attorney that matches her marriage, Kris lets her rat phone swallow her receipts, Monica turns her back on curly hair, Jen still can’t believe lying about her age doesn’t halt its progression, Yohan has an opinion, which leaves Daniele no choice but divorce, because communication is important.
THANK YOU, PATREON SUPPORTERS!

Shaun: We’re back with part 2 of the Tell-All. I’m your host, The Antler Queen, and on our stage is a whole mess of people we’re hoping pull the Queen of Hearts.
Production: Shaun, we agreed no *Yellowjackets* references until Gabe interrupts with bad advice.
Shaun: I’m having a premonition.
Nicole: I’m weeping.
Shaun: See, Nicole’s having one, too! Can you call Mahmoud and weep into the phone? We only allow a napkin corner of tears in the No-Cry Zone.
Nicole: Okay. I feel like a different show wouldn’t want me to call him, but —
Shaun: Nicole, we have all the ethics of *Cheaters* chasing someone buying baby formula around a Walmart parking lot. Of course we want you to call him.
Daniele: This is very triggering for me.
Shaun: Because Yohan doesn’t call enough? BWAHAHA! Oh, you’re serious. Jerry, bring me my mermaid bong.
Jerry: Nicole just took the mermaid bong into the bathroom with her cellphone.
Shaun: I said no mermaid belfies!
Jerry: I think it’s to breathe underwater.
Shaun: Sounds like the light hanging over dabs just turned green! I’m about to become Snoop Dog and Martha Stewart’s hosting baby.
Kris: I can help you with that, Shaun.
Shaun: Kris, I’m boarding the Good Ship Legal Pot, and you already set sail on the SS It’s a Prescription, and these boats don’t share a pier.
Debbie: If it’s a prescription that means a doctor wrote it!
Shaun: Okay, Debbie. Daniele, you were feelings?
Daniele: What makes a relationship is the ability to have difficult conversations, and it’s clear Mahmoud isn’t ready for that.
Shaun: Are “difficult conversations” the ones where you shout “enough” and suggest calling a relative who gives a fuck?
Jerry: Should we sprinkle some Pillow Talk fluff in so the audience doesn’t hear your butane?
Shaun: Yes, but don’t include anything witty. That always makes me hungry.
Nicole: Cries.
Shaun: Exactly.
Mahmoud: What the fuck shit why are you crying? (Throws chair.)
Kris: Mah injuries!
Nicole: I know honey but also honey. I’m sorry other people say things. I should have crawled inside their mouths and stolen their sound.
Mahmoud: I am strong I will be mean to everyone!
Yohan: I don’t understand. Who is fucking this man? What size shoes do you wear?
Mahmoud: Fucking shit (throws mic).
Nicole: I know I know. I’m trying to support you.
Mahmoud: I don’t see that even once.
Shaun: Is this a Julia Roberts movie? Can we get out of it? No? Good thing I wore my contacts with the abuse filter. Welcome back, Mahmoud!
Mahmoud: I want see what this fucking asshole wants.
Gabe: That’s probably me he’s talking about.
Shaun: Who do you see as your competition, Gabe?
Gabe: Look, my dad and step-mom are Muslim. Clearly they represent all Muslims, and this is about me.
Mahmoud: These are MY hypothetical children, and Gabe’s Main Character is not the father!
Nicole: I just want the world to be a better place, and I don’t want to join NXIVM, and I’m not going on a cooking show, and who is having babies?
Shaun: Shaun, Shaun, Shaun. These are your inside thoughts.
Mahmoud: You teach your kids how you teach your kids, you don’t force your kids.
Debbie: Hey Nicole, remember that nightmare you told me about a little while ago where a flamingo swallowed your head?
Nicole: Chicken. It was a pink chicken.
Debbie: Well cluck cluck, I’m coming in to roost.
Shaun: Are you okay, Nicole?
Nicole: I saw a wall of pink and then darkness. Is this marriage?
Shaun: Yes. Gabe how’s business?
Gabe: The other trans-specific underwear brands have favorable Trustpilot reviews, so insecure men are my target demographic now.
Shaun: Who’s the boss? Wait, really? Who did this to the card?
Gabe: Isabel is the boss.
Shaun: That line was funnier when Tony Danza said it.
Gabe: Isabel can still fall into a cake and get us back to romantic comedy.
Shaun: Nah, bring Trey out to wade into the least interesting part of your story.
Gabe: Aw schucks I’m in the middle again!
Shaun: Kris, is narcolepsy contagious, or is Trey like watching a muscle relaxer?
Trey: I’m not enough conflict to carry into another season, but I believe you’ll try.
Shaun: Hang on, I’m trying to card. Something about cows?
Jen: Yes?
Debbie: Rishi is a COWard.
Rishi: So?
Debbie: Where was your passion?
Rishi: Passion for what? Breaking up?
Gabe: You got to defend your woman, bro. Just face plant into a pillow and defend her like a motherfucker. Take that zero and call yourself a hero.
Rishi: I am feeling like not listening to you.
Jen: We’re not engaged.
Rishi: I consider her fiancee yes.
Jen: I mean, he’s NEVER going to move out of his mom’s house.
Shaun: Neither are you, Jen. What does this have to do with cows? Fuck it, let’s bring out Randi’s nipples and Myra’s opinions to audition for Pillow Talk.
Myra: Obvi Rishi is a cheater, obvi.
Randi: I said “show me a special part of you” and Rishi sent a shirtless pic to my catfishgram!
Daniele: Dick jokes!
Yohan: Thank you for reminding me of my value to you. Again.
Shaun: Randi, I have so many questions, and so little interest.
Randi: Clearly a cheater, clearly.
Debbie: Jen is a treasure!
Shaun: Debbie, those are words. You don’t have to use them.
Debbie: But what if they pop in my head!
Shaun: They can exist as a floating thought-bubble that we don’t have to read.
Debbie: Well Rishi strikes me as a very slippery character!
Shaun: It’s the brown, isn’t it? Just say it’s the brown.
Daniele: It’s not fair to assume Rishi’s cheating just because he’s hot. As someone with experience dating hot men, I know sometimes they just give up.
Myra: We did an informal census of Jaipur before drawing conclusions we already had, based on the only sounds we hear.
Gabe: It should come as no surprise that I have bad advice for this.
Shaun: RISHI’S MOM NOT GABE, what do you think about Jen?
Rishi’s mom: She’s fine.
Jen: SQUAWK!
Shaun: Tell me, if I were listening, what would I say right here?
Rishi: Mom, I’m going to marry Jen. In maybe like, 6 months or something.
Rishi’s mom: Never? Sure.
Shaun: Myra and Randi, someone said you have thoughts? Convince me.
Randi: Oussama, you’re an asshole.
Shaun: I’ll allow it. Myra, you got anything?
Myra: Daniele carries Yohan’s balls in her purse.
Daniele: First of all, my purse is very heavy, and second, I ask him to carry it all the time.
Shaun: This card just says: Old?
Jen: It’s uncouth and cold to bring up my age.
Shaun: Oh! Jen’s old! Now I get it! Daniele, people have been blowing up social media asking about the bedroom challenges faced by giants mating with hobbits. Do you both have enormous feet?
Daniele: Yohan’s really strong and I’m really flexible.
Shaun: You’re like waist-high?
Yohan: Exactly, Shaun.
Debbie: I’ve got bad news for Yohan. You’re always gonna be known as the guy with the big ding-dong.
Shaun: That’s not a curse, Debbie.
Yohan: What are your thoughts on dating men younger than your children?
Debbie: I’m not attracted to young men. I just want to marry them.
Gabe: OKAY GUYS, I’ll talk about me. I gave way too many details about the creation of my penis.
Daniele: Not to people who weren’t paying attention!
Gabe: I put the penis in the vagina. Orgasm go boom.
Daniele: Women ejaculate?
Shaun: This is another Everest moment, isn’t it?
Gabe: To be fair, maybe she doesn’t have the internet in NYC.
Daniele: And they made your penis like how women take fat from their thighs and put it into their asses?
Gabe: I just gave a whole explanation on prosthetic creation AGAIN, and all you got was thigh? I couldn’t pee for nine months!
Daniele: Look, I took early retirement from teaching, and no one tried to stop me.
Shaun: Okay guys, someone drew a rolled-eyes emoji on this card, so I assume that means I need to ask Kris how many accidents she had on the way to the studio?
Kris: So many, Shaun, including one where my vehicle cartwheeled through space and time and I nearly lost my past and future lives to the metaverse. Jeymi’s fault.
Shaun: Let’s take a look back on that time Jeymi raised her voice to the level Kris uses as a greeting. I feel like there’s some violence I should point out, but nah.
Kris: I deal with anger by leaving. If you try to stop me, I rage.
Mahmoud: Exactly!
Gabe: Is that a side-effect of narcolepsy, or all the head injuries?
Kris: Jeymi.
Jeymi: I fell in love with someone who did not exist. Can we go back to when she is shoving me from the van because I questioned why she thought two weeks was five months?
Shauna: Kris, what’s DARVO again?
Kris: How much did I say I could pay, Jeymi? $450. How much is the rent? $550. I’m working day and night, and all I get from her is that she expects us to share a continent.
Shaun: Kris, in the land of your people, what sort of labor are you performing day and night that leaves you $550 shy of $550?
Jeymi: All I got was one rent payment and a throwing-star, and I have proof.
Kris: She’s talking about my old bank, not my bank-bank, which totally funded some funds, but then JEYMI was all, and so my mama sent it to her, and it’s not my fault if technology problems are a struggle to a senior.
Shaun: Didn’t you tell your mom you sent $1K?
Kris: I probably sent Jeymi $10K.
Shaun: If you’re working day and night for $550 a month, how the fuck did you send her $10K? Jerry, can you bring out my abacus.
Kris: I already told you about time travel accidents, Shaun.
Shaun: Kris, no one believes you sent $10K. Wait, Debbie?
Debbie: There is a giver and a taker, and Jeymi is the taker. THE PREDATOR.
Shaun: It’s because she’s brown, right?
Debbie: Well I did use the word *predator,* didn’t I? And that word is on my vision board!
Kris: Everything I did while I was away was for her!
Shaun: For Debbie? I thought it was all for your son, who had legal problems?
Kris: But see when I found out Jeymi was CHEATING for the second — no, THIRD time, she KNEW about my SO KEEP PLAYING THE VICTIM BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE GOOD AT!
Shaun: This is enough DARVO to gas a sociology class, Kris. You’re wearing DARVOlogy, for Women. Sorry, that’s the dabs.
Gabe: You just, like, left her with all those expenses, and didn’t come back.
Jeymi: Now I have so much debt!
Kris: I would have paid her debt! I would still help her move!
Shaun: You’d help her move from the place she has to leave because you didn’t pay, but resent that she expected you to pay after you told her to quit her job? Yep, there’s nothing on this card directing me to why you were the one flouncing to the van, exactly. Are these my inside thoughts, or my outside thoughts Jerry?
Jerry: They’re not your thoughts, Shaun.
Shaun: Right. Jeymi, do you want to reclaim your rightful flounce?
Nicole: I’m getting lost in the details.
Shaun: Oh, those aren’t details, Nicole. Now, what did you pry out of Chuck E. Cheese’s cold, dead paw, Kris?
Kris: This here is my phone. I’m going to stare at it like there’s something incriminating. DON’T LOOK AT MY FACE! Here! It’s not in English, but I know what this says!
Shaun: Jeymi, did you cheat on Kris twice?
Kris: Three times!
Jeymi: Once. She looped it three times to tie ribbon around this bullshit package!
Shaun: What’s making you so emotional Kris?
Jeymi: Yes, why are your tears? I was the one sent photos of Kris having sex by her ex!
Kris: I’m not sure where to pivot next, but I feel a court coming on…
Debbie: I’m sure your son is a PATRIOT!
Shaun: I’m sure of something else.
NEXT TIME: Gabe suggests Nicole find an attorney that matches her marriage, Kris lets her rat phone swallow her receipts, Monica turns her back on curly hair, Jen still can’t believe lying about her age doesn’t halt its progression, Yohan has an opinion, which leaves Daniele no choice but divorce, because communication is important.
THANK YOU, PATREON SUPPORTERS! patreon.com/fractalfay

I don’t live next to Aldi and Trader Joe’s and Costco and I only live next to Walmart and Kroger and what kind muffin and cakes and snacks that’s Gluten free you recommend that’s worth the buying and tastes amazing?

Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wabarakatuh, I made a throwaway account because i am very scared and i need help and i need to vent. I (f21) got married about 3 months ago to my husband (m31). I am a european revert and he was raised in this country but is from an Arab country in the palestine/ jordan/ syria/ Lebanese region. I left my program where I was studying abroad in Saudi on a scholarship (not a full degree, a gap year language program after my undergraduate batchelors) to marry him, we had been speaking (with mahrams and chaperones) for about a year and a half at this point (we met whilst I was finishing my undergrad in Europe).
He is a very sweet and caring man, and I decided to marry him because he loves the deen, he is very different from anyone I've known (like extremely weird but in a positive way, I.e unique) and I never felt this way about another person, even my friends. So I left everything for him. Frankly, I was on track to working in government. I gave it up to live with him.
He has a very good career alhamdulillah but left his job to get married so we could have time together (this is not a worry as he has others lined up he is choosing from alhamdulillah). There is nothing wrong with him.
I am the problem. Since I will not be starting my masters until September, I am just sitting around the places he is renting/ his family's house, not paying for anything and just existing. I feel like a waste of space. He doesn't let me go out by myself without his permission which I understand is islamically his right, but I feel very depressed recently. I do not know how to snap out of it. I keep getting violent thoughts about hurting myself- [email protected] myself, [email protected] my throat, jumping in front of a car, g♡nshot etc. I would never do these things astagfirullah but for some reason they make me feel calm.
At the moment we moved into his parents house, he has 10+ siblings and all of the girls are about 10-15ish years older than me so although rhey are so so lovely (I really do like them) I do not feel as comfortable as I would with my own age. I am in the room by myself most of the day and when I leave i not only have to wear hijab but usually two layers and a very very loose avatar or my husband complains my chest is showing. I know this is his right too, but I feel suffocated. I have started to restrict my eating because I do not like having to put on full abaca everytime i go to the bathroom or go to get food. His family always want to talk to me but it is overwhelming as they all speak Arabic mostly or they speak English (and I feel bad about this as it is not their first language and is hard) and my Arabic is beginner. I am also an intorvert and I get drained a lot socially with big groups, and tbh I am new to hijab and I feel very uncomfortable with it so I don't like to sit downstairs or outside my room often.
He mostly goes outside without me. Yesterday I was with his nephew alone in a library for about six hours, today he is out the whole day. When he is back here he wants to spend time with his father, which I understand as his father is old. Maybe we cuddle and stuff in the evening but it's like one hour and we don't talk as he is tired and I am drained too. He has an important work- related meeting today so I understand why recently we don't see eachother much. I am in another (neughbouring) western European country to my own and I don't see my family or my own friends. I am lonely.
So here is the main incident- because he had his presentation today (he is a doctor) and he has been working so hard, I wanted to do something for him as a surprise. I wanted to make him a cake.
I walked about fifteen minutes to the local Walmart to get ingredients and then walked back. He found out and was extremely angry, stayed silent, and I didn't even get to surprise him as he was there the whole time I was baking. It ruined the whole thing and I tried to stop myself crying because his dad was there trying to talk to me but tears were coming down. I felt like I did everything wrong.
I don't know what to do. I feel superfluous to life. He doesn't talk to me like he sees me as a person, just as his wife and that is why he is sweet and kind to me. But not as an individual, if that makes sense? I miss my friends and my parents and I miss him since he is the only person I'm close to hete. He doesn't let me even walk ten minutes to the park by myself.
Jazakallah khair

I just need to rant abt going on trips/camps with my ed
So I’m going on a week long group trip and I just simply can’t let them be in charge of what/when I eat. Luckily for me I have a sensitive stomach to blame my ed habits on. So I’m gonna talk to the director of the trip and let him know I’m gonna bring some of my own food along and occasionally just eat my premade stuff instead, bc of my sensitive stomach.
I went to the store yesterday and bought a bunch of shelf stable safe foods. Like dried fruits, seaweed, low cal protein bars, roasted chickpeas, vegetable crisps, cheese whisps, rice cakes, and go go squeeze packets. Tried to get ones that didn’t seem to obviously disordered but idk how I did. Then i really wanted kale chips but target was out, so I went to Walmart that were also out, then I went to a market and they were also fuckin out. So I gave up and just bought fresh kale to make my own.
Then what made me feel insane is I took the printed out schedule for the trip and planned out when I was going to eat what and how many cals a day. I left some cals for if I did want to eat with others. I was sitting there with my calculator trying to figure out how much activity vs eating I would be doing. How much and what I needed to eat at specific times and how long I needed to fast for.
Idk it’s just honestly embarrassing and I feel crazy. To my knowledge everyone else is going to go and eat whatever’s around at whatever time is sectioned off for our meals. Just leaving it in other peoples hands. I tried to do that last year but I got so scared I’d either just not eat at all or end up purging. It was just a constant anxiety over it.

The backstory for the extra salt: I've got a neighbor that lives nearby. This affair is only between him & me, so, therefore, I'm gonna call his ass Jason, or Jase for short. Jase was born 3 years before (2006 or something like that) so, this all happened when he turned 13. I was 10 (I was born in 2009) and I went to his house. The moment I get there, I knock on the door, and say: "Hey, is Jason right there?" The mom replies with the most jaw-dropping comment: "Get out of here you stupid idiot!"
I just pretended like I left, and decided to get into the house via the backyard. I climbed through his window, to see him playing his fav video games. I play video games too, so I grab a controller, and he & I start playing. We were good until Jase tells me his birthday was on June 29th, so he invited me to it. I accept it. And I ask my dad to get him a tricked-out gaming PC (that's what he wished for). And he built it for him.
The day after tomorrow? His birthday. I come there secretly to an old, dusty-as-hell Dave & Buster's with the decorations bought from goddamn Best Buy or Walmart. What do I expect? His sister was also there! And guess what she got? His very own cake! She even BLEW the candles and, no, I'm not joking, called him "Poo-Poo Jason" (She was only 6 yrs old). He then burst into tears and left. I just hugged his ass and my mom comforted him about it. Then she comes in storming in there and confronts his old lady.
She then claims how selfish they were, and, without a drop of shame, gave his stuff to his damn sis. HIS DAMN SIS! We just went home and left. Then, when I got home, I showed Jase I & Pop's master creation. His face lit up at his sight. He hugged me like crazy, thanking me profusely. He was in literal tears to it. He, was, super, excited.
Her sis? Not so much. She let out a high-pitched little girl scream. My mom gave both the sister and their parents the door, and as she did it, she brutally chewed her out in front of her daughter, telling her that she was banned from ever coming to our house and that Jase would get back all his birthdays again.
As of 2023, her sister is in boarding school and Jase is happier now. They've been undoing the damage, and he and I are closer than ever. I & Jason are kind of a dynamic duo now. So? Was I the jerk or not?

My daughter is 9yo. At first, I thought she had gotten in trouble and was trying to butter me up. In hindsight, I feel terrible for thinking this way. When she was tiny and growing she always hugged me, told me she loved me, and kissed me goodnight.. something changed over the last several months. For almost 6 months now my daughter has been extremely affectionate. She makes me notes for when I get home from work, 2 hershey kisses attached, telling me I am "the best mom", that she is "so proud". If her and my husband talk while I am at work and he tells her I had a rough day, I get an extra hershey kiss. She planned a HUGE surprise for me for mothers day. She contacted my mom (her grandma) on her own and set up a big lunch with the whole family... ballons, flower, cake, gifts. I checked with my husband, he had nothing to do with it. She insisted we have the lunch and had him take her to walmart so she could pick out gifts. I just got a big promotion at work... this kid went wild! She again asked my husband to set up a big thing! We had a special dinner out, she hand made me a card telling me she was so proud to call me her mom. She got me flowers and a bag of my favorite chocolates. I guess I am just so in shock. I don't know what changed or how or why I deserve such praise, but it makes a world of a difference in my every day life. Growing up, my mom was the best. I knew I could go to her with anything and everything and she'd love me unconditionally. Maybe this is a humble brag... I am just so happy to see that I can hopefully carry on just like this with my daughter. Ive been working super long hours to get my promotion.. I have an 11mo and my 9yo.. I often feel guilty. She is literally giving me the strength to carry on. I am so proud of HER!

Hello community!
I’m learning to make Doljaban muchim, the banchan using coarse dried seaweed.
It looks like this before it’s made - which is basically a circular, tangled cake of dried seaweed.
Has anyone made this banchan before? Does anyone know how to deal with this kind of seaweed right out of the package?
My first inclination is to wash it to get rid of sand/ impurities, but this isn’t a soup recipe. The recipe calls for hydrating the dry seaweed with liquid seasonings (soy sauce, plum extract) just enough for it to be chewy. So would washing it waterlog it and affects its consistency?
Do the banchan ladies wash this seaweed before prepping it?
Thanks for any insight!
Note: my package of seaweed is sourced from Taiwan.